I am once again writing a piece for "Just Do It" at theatre Charlotte with th theme of "It's a Dog's Life". I decided to write a "Katherine & Harold" piece along this theme since I'm working on the full length piece now. Here it is let me know what you love, hate, or are confused by.
In the Dog House
By Todd Ford
© 2010
At Rise: Katherine and Harold enter. They are obviously in mid argument.
Harold (angry)
No Katherine. Hell no we cannot.
Katherine
But Harold they were so cute especially the little white one. (making a pouting face) Please Harold.
Harold
Katherine you can barely take care of yourself why would I entrust you to take care of another living thing.
Katherine
That’s not true I take very good care of us.
Harold
No, Katherine, you don’t.
Katherine
Yes, I do. You eat don’t you?
Harold
Thanks to the magic of take out.
Katherine
That’s just not fair. I cook.
Harold
When?
Katherine
On our anniversary.
Harold
I ended up in the hospital.
Katherine
You don’t know that was my fault.
Harold
I had food poisoning.
Katherine
How was I supposed to know the meat was bad?
Harold
I don’t know the expiration date on the package.
Katherine
It was only a month past.
Harold
You could have killed me Katherine.
Katherine
Well I wouldn’t have to cook the dog’s food anyway.
Harold
But you would have to wash it.
Katherine
That I know I could do Harold I was stuff all the…
Harold
Like what?
Katherine
Laundry.
Harold
Dry cleaners.
Katherine
The car.
Harold
You hired the kid next door.
Katherine
I clean the house.
Harold
Then why can’t I see the floor?
Katherine
OK the bathrooms. I KNOW I clean the bathrooms.
Harold
You make me clean the bathrooms.
Katherine
Well that’s because you piss on the floor. The dog won’t have that problem he’s house broken.
Harold
Fine well what about walking the dog?
Katherine
What about it?
Harold
You have to walk the dog.
Katherine
And I will…
Harold
Outside.
Katherine
I like fresh air.
Harold
Not matter the weather.
Katherine
Even when it’s raining?
Harold
Yes, Katherine, even when it’s raining.
Katherine (gulping)
OK. I’ll do it. I’ll do it because we NEED this dog Harold.
Harold
Why Katherine? Why do we need this dog?
Katherine
For security.
Harold
Katherine the dog you looked at was a poodle.
Katherine
Poodles can be very ferocious.
Harold
It was the size of a rat.
Katherine
That doesn’t matter. Imagine this. You’re at the restaurant. I’m home alone. Suddenly a robber kicks in the door. Our trusty dog Sparkles jumps…
Harold
Sparkles?
Katherine
Yes, Sparkles that’s the dog’s name.
Harold
We are going to have an attack dog named Sparkles?
Katherine
Yeah so Sparkles leaps into…
Harold
What’s the robber going to do laugh himself to death?
Katherine
The robber won’t know the dog’s name damn it. So Sparkles leaps into action.
Harold
And the robber steps on the pathetic rat dog.
Katherine
If you’re not going to take this seriously than this conversation is over.
Harold
Me? You’re not taking this seriously Katherine. If you want an attack dog. Get an attack dog. Get a Doberman. Get a Pit Bull. For God’s sake even a Bulldog would be better than a God damned poodle.
Katherine
But honey those dog’s could be dangerous.
Harold
Isn’t that kinda the point of an attack dog?
Katherine
Well I don’t want it to hurt anyone.
Harold
Then I don’t think you really want an attack dog. Katherine why do you really want this?
Katherine
For companionship I’m lonely Harold.
Harold
Oh not this again.
Katherine
You work at school during the day and then the restaurant at night and…
Harold
Yes Katherine. I work hard for you. I work hard so you can have a nice house…
Katherine
I just need someone to talk to.
Harold
And nice things. (pauses) To talk to?
Katherine
Yes, to talk to.
Harold
What are you Dr. Doolittle. You do realize that dogs can’t talk don’t you.
Katherine
It wouldn’t have to talk just listen.
Harold
It’s a DOG Katherine. It can’t understand you.
Katherine
So it will be talking like you.
Harold
Honey that’s not fair.
Katherine
Why Harold? Why is it not fair? I’ve asked you for one simple thing and you haven’t listen to a word I’ve said. I’ve explained WHY I want a dog and you haven’t listened. At least the dog will cuddle with me.
Harold
I cuddle with your Katherine.
Katherine
Yeah when want to fuck.
Harold
No. I love to snuggle with you.
Katherine
No you don’t. Remember last night.
Harold
Yeah. I rolled over and held you in my arms.
Katherine
And then.
Harold
I kissed you softly and whispered in your ear.
Katherine
What was that you whispered…oh yeah it was “wanna do it”.
Harold
I thought you were in the mood.
Katherine
You’re such a romantic.
Harold
I was just joking.
Katherine
Then why did you proceed to grind against.
Harold
Because…oh for crying out loud Katherine this is ridiculous.
Katherine
Wanting to cuddle without someone try to screw me is ridiculous.
Harold
No saying a dog could take my place in bed is ridiculous.
Katherine
Ten pay attention to me.
Harold
And it is unsanitary.
Katherine
Harold are you listening. I’m lonely.
Harold
I mean the germs. I sleep in that bed. Naked sometimes.
Katherine (angry)
Harold.
Harold
And to think I will be rolling around in dog hair and god knows what else.
Katherine
Harold would you just shut the fuck up.
Harold
Did you say something Katherine?
Katherine
You know what Harold. You need a dog.
Harold
Now Katherine. I just explained to you why I don’t want a…
Katherine
I didn’t say you wanted a dog I said you needed a dog.
Harold
What’s that supposed to mean.
Katherine
Just what it sounds like Harold. Think about it you could learn so much from him.
Harold
Really….what could I learn from a dog?
Katherine
To be here.
Harold
I am here Katherine.
Katherine
No, Harold, you’re not. You’ve gotten so busy you don’t even take time to stop and smell the flowers. A dog would never forget to do that.
Harold
A dog doesn’t have a job Katherine.
Katherine
You have to make time Harold.
Harold
Fine Katherine. I’m here. What else can I learn from this dog sage of yours?
Katherine
I told you I was lonely Harold. Its time for you to figure out for yourself what the dog would do.
(Harold thinks for a second looking confused and then licks Katherine’s face)
Katherine
Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww…..what the hell are you doing Harold?
Harold
Embracing my inner dog Katherine.
Katherine
That’s not quite the attention I was looking for.
Harold
I feel better.
Katherine
You would.
Harold (sighs)
Fine….(thinks for a moment slides his arms around her and nuzzles her neck)
Katherine
That’s better.
Harold
So am I out of the dog house yet?
Katherine
You’re getting there but I think you need a tutor.
Harold (looks at Katherine)
You really want this?
(Katherine nods silently)
Harold
Then its yours mi amour. Just one thing.
Katherine
Yes?
Harold
Can we name it something else? I don’t think I can walk a dog named Sparkles.
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