This any good for you? It's a very rough first draft (only penned it in the last hour), so if you wanted to pursue it, I'll polish it up for you.
THE BIG WER WER WEDDING
MIKE IS BEHIND THE BAR, POLISHING A GLASS.
MIKE: What can I get you squire?
CLIVE: Oh gosh, der-der do you know, I don’t know normally frequent bu-ber bars – is that the rer-right term? – do you have a le-lus, le-lus- Lustau Palomino fer-fer, fer-fer-fer Fino?
MIKE: Christ, pal, that’s one hell of a – no, sorry, forget I said that – a Lusty what?
CLIVE: I’m ser-sorry, can you se-se say that again? I’m a ter-ter trifle har-hard of he- hearing!
MIKE: Oh, joy. (Louder) I was just asking, what - was - it - you - wanted?
CLIVE: Le-Lustau pa-pa-Palomino Fino?
MIKE: Lelusty Papalamino Fingo! What’s that when it’s at home?
CLIVE: No, it’s a le-le Lustau pa-pa-pa Palomino Fino It’s a per-per, per-per pale ke-kur, ker-kur cream she-sherry!
MIKE: A pale cream sherry called what? A Lusau -
MIKE: Ner-no, it’s a Le-lus, le-lus, le-lus-lus – oh, fer-fer, fer-fuck, fuck, fuck forget it. An own ber-ber brand will be just per-per, per-per, per-per, per-per, per-per-per-per… spot on
MIKE: Okeydokey! One - pale - cream - sherry - coming – up!
CLIVE: The-there’s no need to shout so le-loud, I’m der-der-deaf, not stupid you know!
MIKE: Sorry, mate.
CLIVE: Tha-tha, tha-tha, tha-tha, tha-tha –
MIKE: Don’t mention it.
MIKE POURS A SHERRY.
RICH: Afternoon all!
CLIVE: Ge-goo, ge-goo, ger-goo, goo-goo –
MIKE: Stab me, I’d lay off it a bit for a while if I were you mate!
CLIVE: No, ge-goo, ge-goo, goo-goo, goo-goo -
MIKE: ‘Good afternoon’! Hiya Rich! Haven’t seen you for a few days! (Sotto voce.) He’s got a speech impediment you daft idiot!
RICH: Oh, sh-
CLIVE: I’m ser-ser sorry? I missed the-that!
MIKE: Sorry mate, I was just saying… you’ve got a tiny bit of a stammer there!
CLIVE: De-dur, de-dur, de-dur-dur does it show? Oh de-dear, I rer-rather th-thought I’d ger-ger-got it under cer-cer, under cun-cun, under -
MIKE: Control! Control! Don’t say it! Control, we get the message!
RICH: God, it’s parky out there! Set ‘em up Mike – a pint for me and whatever this guy’s having! You’ll have a drink with me, won’t you?
CLIVE: Gladly, my friend, ger gladly… but I’ve already ordered.
RICH: No problem. Whatever he’s on Mike. And I’ll have a double scotch with the lager, too.
MIKE: Coming right up. Sherry, scotch and lager. Scotch Rich? Unusual to see you on the scotch?
RICH: Yep - I’m celebrating! The lads are coming over in a while. She said yes!
MIKE: She did? Really? Oh, that’s great news mate! These are on me, then! Here you go; one large scotch and a sherry for you, sir. Just gonna get the lager from the other bar, Rich – the barrel’s gone on this one.
RICH: Cheers, Mike.
CLIVE: You shit, you shit, you shit -
RICH: I beg your -
CLIVE: You shit, you shit, you shit, you shouldn’t spend your money on ser-ser-ser strangers young man, ber-but I thank you mer-most kindly.
RICH: Oh, you’re welcome. Good to have someone to have a drink with to be honest – no, look, I have to tell someone. Like I said, I’m celebrating - getting married next month.
CLIVE: Oh, then, I mer-must be the fuf-first to offer my ker-ker, ker-ker, congrer-congrer, congrer – ber-best wishes!
RICH: Thanks. It’s Richard, by the way. Call me Rich.
RICH: Rich. Call me Rich.
RICH: No – Rich.
CLIVE: Ne-no, I’m ker-Clive!
RICH: Sorry, got it! Hello Kerclive. Unusual name. German origin, is it?
CLIVE: Ne-no, it’s not ker-Clive, it’s ker-ker-Clive!
MIKE: (Off) It’s Clive! Just Clive you stupid –
RICH: Right, sorry, got it now. Missed it with the, errm, you know…
RICH: Nothing, nothing mate. Not seen you in here before.
CLIVE: Ner-no, I live on the other ser-side of ter-town, but as it her-happens, I’m also here regarding impending ner-nuptials.
RICH: Nernuptials? Oh, nuptials – a wedding!
CLIVE: Indeed. I have the honour of mer-marrying a ber-beautiful young lady from the ver-village. It’s going to be a big wer-wer wedding.
RICH: Thought I knew all the beautiful ones intimately mate! Who’s the lucky girl?
CLIVE: Well, I don’t suppose she’d mer-mind. It’s young mer Mary mer Middleton.
RICH: (Laughs) Mary? Mary? Oh, good one mate, good one.
CLIVE: I ber-beg your -
RICH: Nice one, Mike – how did you know? Who told you?
MIKE: Told me what?
RICH: That she’d said yes? She rang you, didn’t she? Minx - she told me we were going to keep it quiet!
CLIVE: I think I’m mer missing something here!
MIKE: Rich, I didn’t –
RICH: Alright, mate, you can dump the stupid stutter and the deaf routine. I sort of expected a strippergram – she’s done that before - but to be fair, this is brilliant. Stupid deaf toff with a speech impediment – I wonder how long it would have been before I tumbled? Brilliant. Ber ber ber brilliant!
CLIVE: I’m ser sorry, I der don’t ther think –
RICH: Der don’t yer you?
MIKE: Rich, look –
RICH: Okay, joke over, you’re rumbled. Rer rer rer rumbled, got it? And you can ditch the silly thick glasses and the fake moustache!
RICH TAKES CLIVE’S GLASSES AND THROWS THEM INTO HIS PINT.
CLIVE: I ser say!
MIKE: Rich, what the hell –
RICH: So, you’re marring Mary, are you? Mer marrying mer my mer Mary mer Middleton? Okay, well I’ll go along with it – but I think I’d better tell you that she hates moustaches and beards, so that’ll have to go for a start!
RICH STARTS PULLING AT CLIVE’S MOUSTACHE.
CLIVE: Ah, ow! Ser stop! Help! Ger get him off mer mer me!
MIKE: Rich, stop it, what the hell do you think you’re –
MIKE RUSHES ROUND THE BAR AND MIKE, RICH AND CLIVE STRUGGLE
RICH: God you’ve stuck that on well! I think it must need some lubricant.
CLIVE: Arrgh! Yer young mer man, in all mer my yer years I’ve -
RICH : This’ll do it!
RICH PICKS UP HIS PINT AND POURS IT OVER CLIVE’S HEAD, THEN LEANS ON THE BAR LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.
MIKE: Rich, are you nuts? Look, mate, I’m really sorry, he’s not normally –
ENTER MARY. MIKE IS DRYING CLIVE WITH A BAR TOWEL.
RICH: Ner ner ner normally – you mean ner ner ner normally! Okay, okay, it’s over, you can drop the –
MARY: Rich? What on earth’s –
RICH: Mary, hi love! Oh, God, you should have been here, it was funny – really, really funny! The stutter, the deaf act – this guy’s amazing! Still stayed in character when I chucked his glasses in my pint and then emptied it over his head! Where did you find him Mike?
MIKE: I told you, you stupid berk – it’s nothing to do with me!
RICH: No? “I’m here regarding impending ner ner nuptials? I have the honour of mer-mer-marrying a ber-beautiful young lady from the ver-village? The young mer mer Mary mer mer Middleton?” Fantastic!
MARY: Me? Marrying me? If you think I’d marry you after this you have to be living on another planet! It’s off, Rich – you’re mad, completely –
Dear folks, I make as few forays to the internet as possible - sometimes only once a week. If you have a play you wish to forward to me, please send it to my e-address, ragedian, me too... wishing we had the time for a full-length (my fave).
Last edited on Sat Nov 4th, 2006 12:19 am by Sam Stone