The Playwrights Forum Home 
  SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP THEATRE-CONNECT PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > The Playwrights' Gym - Feedback > scene for critique

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
scene for critique  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Sep 21st, 2010 04:01 pm
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
studentA
Member
 

Joined: Tue Sep 21st, 2010
Location:  
Posts: 7
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Lust: Sarah Beth May is a Christian who advocates for abstinence until marriage. She has been in a three year relationship with Jack Mayhoff, who doesn’t exactly agree with her abstinence only view. As a result of his frustrations with Sarah he peruses a fairly sexual relationship with Anita Wang, who is most definitely not pure. Sarah bumps into Anita.
Setting: High School hallway, after last bell.

Sarah- (talking to Jack on her cell) I was thinking that after bible group we can maybe get together and scrap book and then make brownies with Cynthia Maybell, I invited her over. I hope that’s okay sweetie... Yeah?... I thought you got her groceries last night----- Well I would like to be in bed by 9 tonight, last night mom was upset that you stayed after 7:30.

(She accidentally bumps into Anita and drops her books and her cell phone. She picks the phone back up)

Sarah- Jack, are you there?(no answer) Sugar muffins!

Anita- Watch where you’re going Sister Mary Pure.

Sarah- (collecting her books, not noticing who she ran
into) Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…

Anita- of course you didn’t, you never do anything wrong, daddy’s little angel, right?

Sarah- ummm, actually to say I’m an Angel is to lie because, umm, angels are guides assigned to people by god to help guide them to find spiritual redemption and I myself have…

Anita- do you make everyone you run into listen to this holier-than-though bullshit? (Pushes past her and starts walking away)

Sarah- Umm.. I can help you; my bible group meets every day at fou…..

Anita-(turns around and storms back to Sarah) listen Virgin Mary; I don’t need your help. I get by just fine.

Sarah- you know God can give you a better outlook on life, help you get your life together.

Anita- I’d say you’re the one that needs help getting your life together, may not be as perfect as you think.

Sarah- I think I have a pretty good life, I have God, and I have Jack. He is so perfect and wonderful.

Anita- (with a devilish smile) oh, he’s wonderful alright, sure was wonderful last night.

Sarah- What do you mean, did you run into him at the Kum’ N Go? He was helping his Nan get milk, he’s so sweet.

Anita- Oh, ha, well, I would say he ran into me.(Jack walks over to Sarah with his eyes locked on Anita)

Sarah- Hi sweetheart. (His eyes still locked on Anita as she shoots him a flirtatious smile) Jack. (Jack still not paying Sarah any mind. Sarah finally puts two and two together and starts to get flustered and increasingly upset) Jack, you’re not…. This isn’t... You told me you valued purity; that the purity rings we gave each other meant everything to you. (She tries to take off her ring to throw it at him but it doesn’t want to slide off, she starts to cry in embarrassment and runs off)

Anita- (to Jack) Stop smiling, Romeo. I’m pregnant.

Last edited on Tue Sep 21st, 2010 04:06 pm by studentA

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Sun Sep 26th, 2010 02:34 pm
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
kris
Member


Joined: Sat Aug 11th, 2007
Location: Centennial, Colorado USA
Posts: 215
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Hi, studentA,

Your scene certainly has the makings of drama. The situation is inherently dramatic, with room for all kinds of conflict. My only problem is that Sarah seems a bit of a caricature rather than a three-dimensional character. Maybe that is what you intended. If so, perhaps tighten her dialogue so she is obviously over the top and, if possible, funny. For instance, in the following, you could delete everything that's underlined without losing the sense of what Sarah's saying, and then add something at the end:

Sarah- (talking to Jack on her cell) I was thinking that after bible group we can maybe get together and scrap book and then make brownies with Cynthia Maybell, I invited her over. I hope that’s okay sweetie... Yeah?... I thought you got her groceries last night----- Well I would like to be in bed by 9 tonight, last night mom was upset that you stayed after 7:30. She does eat a lot, doesn't she?

Also, be careful of word choice even when setting the scene. You use the word "peruses," which leads one to think Jack is only thinking about a relationship with Anita, when, upon reading the scene, it becomes clear that he already has a relationship with her. Maybe you meant "pursues" and just mistyped. Also, it's "holier-than-thou," not "though," and the words "God" and "Angel" flip-flop between lower and upper case. Just little things, but they add up to make a piece look less than polished (especially to a nit-picky editor like myself).

I think if you work on this a little more and polish it up, you'll have a good scene.  I found myself wanting to know more about the characters and what happens to them, which is a good thing!

Best of luck,
kris

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Mon Oct 18th, 2010 02:09 pm
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
Karris
Member
 

Joined: Sat Oct 9th, 2010
Location:  
Posts: 3
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
I agree with Kris that the way Sarah is drawn is stereotypical.  If this is intended to be a comedy skit it may work if exaggerated further, although, in any case, I will have a problem understanding why the boy would be going with Sarah if he would also be taking up with Anita.  Who he is is not coming through at all, other than a cliche about guys going with anybody who'll put out.  In order for him to be into all of Sarah's holy roller stuff it's highly unlikely that he would attract Anita.  She'd have no time for him at all.

So two of the three characters seem unmotivated.  I'd say you need to know your people better so that what they do comes from them, not from you. 

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

Current time is 08:47 am  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > The Playwrights' Gym - Feedback > scene for critique Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1586 seconds (23% database + 77% PHP). 26 queries executed.