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Amanita Phalloides.  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Tue Sep 26th, 2006 04:57 pm
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Calvindurro
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Amanita Phalloides


(Scene opens in a small kitchen. It's a nice kitchen. A table big enough for three, but perfect for two. This is the kitchen of the scrivener's. Henry Scrivener sits at the table reading a small handbook on different types of fungi. Ella Scrivener stands over the stove with her back to the audience making breakfast. They are both relatively young, henry had retired early from being a postal worker to sit at home and study nature. Ella works as a secretary in an office 3 days a week for a high powered law firm. They are obviously very cozy and comfortable with their lifestyle.)

HENRY
Is breakfast almost ready?

ELLA
Just about, sweetheart.

HENRY
Great! What's for breakfast?

ELLA
Our Hen has laid two eggs, I'm making them for breakfast.

HENRY
What style?

ELLA
Am I making the eggs?

HENRY
Yes.

ELLA
Hard-boiled

HENRY
Wonderful! My favorite!

ELLA
I know that, Handsome man! You know, it's funny. I've never noticed it before but there really is a difference between a freshly laid egg and a store bought one.

HENRY
It's fresher. Tastier.

(Ella takes the two eggs out of the pot that she finished along with two pieces of toast and puts them on plates. She puts a white egg on Henrys plate and a Brown egg on hers.)

HENRY
(Still reading his book)
There are so many different types of fungus in the world. It's really amazing how many things are decomposing at this very second... not to mention how many things are decomposing them.

(Ella puts one plate (The one with the brown egg) in front of her place at the table, then goes over and puts the other plate (With the white egg) in front of Henry. Henry is engrossed in his book. Ella kisses Henry on the cheek and returns to her seat.)

ELLA
No decomposing at the table, honey.

HENRY
Let me just finish this page.

ELLA
Well, hurry up, I don't want your breakfast to get cold.

HENRY
You just made it, it won't get cold.

(They sit in silence for a little bit till Henry finishes his page. Right as he's closing his book...)

ELLA
Would you like to do the prayer?
(They both close their eyes)

HENRY
Thank you god for giving us food. For the food that we eat for the friends that we meet. We thank you god for giving us food.

ELLA
Thank you. Enjoy your egg and toast.

(Henry looks down at his breakfast and frowns a little. He looks across the table at his Wife's breakfast as she begins to spread jam on her toast. )

HENRY
Ella...

ELLA
Yes?

HENRY
Ummm...

ELLA
What is it, Henry?

HENRY
Well... I noticed you gave yourself the brown egg gave the white egg to me.

ELLA
Yes?

HENRY
Well... I got the white egg... and you retained the brown egg... For yourself.

ELLA
Well, why not? Why shouldn't I have the brown egg? I keep everything neat and trim in the house. I polish the canaries cage. I vacuum. I sweep. I cook. Which, If you were a man, you'd do for me. You don't do anything but poke around in the garden and then go into the woods to study nature.

HENRY
Do not call Dickie, "The Canary" Like that. You know, dear, sometimes think you have no affection for any living creature, least of all, myself.

ELLA
You know that's not true, Henry.

HENRY
I mean, I feed the Hen every day, and, when she lays a brown egg, I think I should, at least, be asked if I would like it.

ELLA
I think I know what your answer would be.
(She gives a short laugh)
No, Henry, don't think I have forgotten your conduct with the Tomato ripening incident.

HENRY
Will that ever be let go?

ELLA
We'll see around the next harvest.

HENRY
It wasn't even very good...

ELLA
I think, the less said about who has what in this house, the better.

(Henry knows he's lost this little quarrel and starts to pout. He moodily looks at his own egg. He looks across the table at his wife who is cracking her egg with a spoon and peeling it off. He quickly looks at his own egg then back at his wife's.)

HENRY
My god!

ELLA
What?

HENRY
Not only is it white... It's smaller too!

ELLA
Henry...

HENRY
Right, sorry.

ELLA
Mmm... okay.

(Henry looks back at his own egg, obviously not wanting to let this go, he's to stubborn. He thinks for a second, but then.)

HENRY
You know, Ella, you don't like reader's digest right?

ELLA
I enjoy some parts of it.

HENRY
But not the nature portions.

ELLA
No.

HENRY
Because you despise the marvels of nature.

ELLA
Now wai...

HENRY
Well, I'm pretty sure I saw a picture of a boiled egg with an undigested worm coiled up inside of it. It was dead of course... from suffocation... you know, it's funny... I'm pretty sure that the egg in the picture was a brown one.

ELLA
There's no worm inside of my egg, Henry. Look in your own egg, maybe you'll find one there.
Henry pouts again, obviously very put out by the fact his little trick didn't work. He carefully crack open his egg and takes a little nibble of it.

HENRY
This is awful!

ELLA
(Looks up from the magazine she's reading)
Hmm?

HENRY
Nothing!

ELLA
Okay.
(Goes back to reading her magazine)

HENRY
You know, Ella...

ELLA
Yes, Henry?

HENRY
Selfishness and Greed has made the world what it is today!

(Henry gets up and storms out of the kitchen into another room. Ella reaches over and grabs her husbands abandoned egg. She takes a nibble of it. A curious expression falls over her face)

ELLA
Henry! This egg doesn't taste any different than mine!

HENRY (O.S.)
DON'T TOUCH MY EGG! THAT'S MY EGG!

ELLA
Henry...

(She get's up and grabs both plates and places them in the sink then exits the opposite door (The one that Henry didn't leave out of, leading to the outside). Henry immediately enters the room with a canary on his finger. He goes to the sink, but the egg has been eaten.)

HENRY (TO DICKIE THE CANARY)
She didn't even leave me half of the egg. She could have left me at least half of the egg. I was so stupid to retire early, believing happiness is found in a small cottage! Two cups, one with roses, one with cornflowers. Two plates, one with a red rim, one with a blue rim. Two apples in our apple tree, both rosy, but one slightly larger than the other. AND THAT SHOULD BE FOR ME. I am a man and it is my right that I should have the larger one! It would be a divine life if only Ella could see the fitness of things. I'd be so much happier if she was less greedy, better tempered, not ADDICTED to bringing up old grudges, more affectionate, with slightly more yellow hair...slimmer... 20 years younger... but what's the good of expecting such a woman to reform!

(An odd thought then comes over Henry)

Genus Clavaria... Hmmmm...

(He goes to his pantry, reaches in the back and grabs a small bag filled with mushrooms.)

She'll keep the better half for herself... and, in any case, it's a mistake to cut a mushroom in half, it allows all the nutritious juices to escape.

(Another thought comes over Henry. He reaches back into the cupboard and brings out another bag full of mushrooms.)

Amanita Phalloides! The Death Angel! It's very appropriately named, Dickie. So pretty... you see it in the ground and expect to see a fairy prancing around, a small little creature with golden hair

(This stops Henry.)

That's just wonderful. That's what I do see...
Ella has always been making cracks at nature. Perhaps it's time nature had a crack at her. She'll enter that door any second, smiling. She's always smiling. It's easy to smile when you had two eggs for breakfast... Let us see how much you smile after having Amanita Phalloides for lunch!
He begins to laugh, but his laugh is cut off by the return of Ella. He holds this against her, naturally.

HENRY
Good wife! I'm hungry again.

ELLA
Well, I can imagine. You had no breakfast!

HENRY
Yes... I had no breakfast...

ELLA
None at all.

HENRY
But look what I have found in our quaint little cupboard!
Two different fungi! This is a clavaria! A wholesome Fungus with decent and satisfying flavor.

ELLA
And the other?

HENRY
What other?

ELLA
The other Fungi.

HENRY
Oh, this?
(He holds up the bag with The Death Angel in it)

ELLA
Yes. It's all white and pearly...

HENRY
This is...ummm... Eheu fugaces.

ELLA
What a very pretty name! But what an odd shape, for a mushroom that is.

HENRY
Pay no attention to that! It's more nutritious than you can possibly imagine! Rich with Vitamins... D, E, A, T... and H. Not to mention, it has flavor fit for a king! I'll eat it myself... You can't be called kingly. Not the way you're built.

ELLA
(With a slight giggle)
That's very true! That is perfectly true, darling. I am not built that way!

(Henry is taken aback by the fact that she did not stake her claim on the mushroom. He quickly changes his tact.)

HENRY
NEVERTHELESS! You shall have this excellent mushroom for you deserve it more than I!

ELLA
Why, Henry! That is so sweet. How can I reward you for your kindness? What can a mere woman do to show her appreciation of a good husband?

HENRY
Mince these up and cook them separately so we don't confuse the flavors. Serve them each on toast and cover them, liberally, with grated cheese.

ELLA
I'll do that right now, for brunch, though it hurts my heart to chop them up.

(Henry sits down at the table and begins to get very antsy while Ella makes the mushrooms. Ellas back is to the audience so we don't see what she's doing. He begins to think how sweet his revenge will be.)

HENRY
Brunch is going to be a real...scream.

ELLA
What's that, dear?

HENRY
Nothing! Simply saying that I hope you like a little... spice... in your food...

ELLA
I like spicy foods, yes. Why? Are these mushrooms spicy?

HENRY
They have a bit of a... kick... to them...

ELLA
Well that's alright.

HENRY
But they will... relieve you... of any... pains...

ELLA
Well, I'm feeling quite alright.

(Henry chuckles a bit at his own Lex Luthor like evil. He applauds himself on his clever hints referring to the upcoming demise of his wife. Ella finishes and turns around. She has two plates, each one has a piece of bread on them with mushrooms on the bread.)

ELLA
Here, dearest. Here is our brunch. Our two plates. Mine with the red rim and yours with the blue rim.

HENRY
Oh, Honey, thank you so kindly. I do love you so.

ELLA
It's just brunch.

HENRY
Eat well, dearest. Soon you will be... rewarded... for your kindness and consideration.

ELLA
Well, I'm not particularly hungry, Henry. I had two eggs for breakfast this morning.

HENRY
Not hungry at all?

ELLA
Not very, no.

HENRY
Well, surely you'll do me the courtesy of having just a bite or two wile I eat mine?

ELLA
Yes, ofcourse I will.

HENRY
You know how I hate to eat alone.

ELLA
I do know this.

HENRY
I love you.

ELLA
I love you, too.

(The both take a large bite into their respective pieces of toast. They chew and swallow.)

HENRY
So how does it taste?

ELLA
Quite good. How is yours?

HENRY
Marvelous!

ELLA
Well, yours should be better. I gave you the better mushrooms.
(Henry stops chewing)

HENRY
W...what?

ELLA
Well, You said fit for a king, and I thought to myself, that you truly are a king among men. I took the Brown egg so you should have the Good mushroom.

HENRY
You...your joking...

ELLA
No, darling, I thought... you wanted it... it's better... Vitamins D... And T... and such...

(Henry jumps out of his chair and starts shaking and convulsing and grasping at his throat and coughing.)

HENRY
AMANITA PHALLOIDES!

ELLA
What on Earth is the matter, Sweetheart? Are you feeling unwell?

HENRY
THE DEVIL! I HAVE EATEN THE DEATH ANGEL! I HAVE EATEN AMANITA PHALLOIDES!

ELLA
Really, Sweetie... what an expression! What can you possibly be thinking of!

HENRY
You Bitch! Will you stand there belittling me with words! I AM DYING! I AM POISONED! RUN FOR A DOCTOR! DO YOU HEAR?!

ELLA
Poisoned? By that mushroom? That was the one you were trying to give to me.

HENRY
I confess it, I was feeling aggravated and resentful! Forgive me! But if you don't find me a doctor, in five minutes, I'll be dead!

ELLA
I forgive you for trying to poison me, but I cannot forget the awful name you just called me. No, Henry, a lady dog cannot run for a doctor. I shall go no farther than down the road where the new mail man is delivering his mail. He often looks at me with a seductive eye. I shall ask him what he thinks of a man who calls his wife such a name. I shall ask him what he thinks of a man who tries to feed his wife such a thing. And I have no doubt, He will tell me.

HENRY
Ella...

(Henry falls dead with a final gasp of air. Ella surveys his dead body. Shrugs. Stands up. Grabs her purse. and leaves the little cottage she once called her home.)

THE END.

Last edited on Tue Sep 26th, 2006 04:57 pm by Calvindurro

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