The Playwrights Forum Home 
  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP NEW CYBERPRESS PLAYS PLAYWRIGHTING BOOKS PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > The Playwrights' Gym - Feedback > Elvi On a Ledge

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click here for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
Elvi On a Ledge  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Thu Dec 28th, 2006 09:07 pm
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
eezra
Member
 

Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
Posts: 29
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Thought of this as possibly an evening of short plays on decesions.

Let me know what you think.

Elvi on a Ledge

By
E. Ezra Antar


                            
                                      (An Elvis impersonator, Ned, stands on
                                    the stage right side of a bench,
                                    staring downward. We hear street noise.)
 
                                    (After a few moments, a second Elvis,
                                    Ted, mimes opening a window and climbs
                                    on to the stage left side of the bench.)
 
                                    (The first Elivs, Ned, never takes his
                                    eyes off the street below.)
 
                                  TED
         Hey Ned.
 
                                  NED
              (Keeping his eyes down)
         Ted.
 
                                    (Beat)
 
                                  TED
         What'cha'doin?
 
                                  NED
         Thinkin.
 
                                  TED
         Pros'n'Cons?
 
                                  NED
         Pros'n'Cons.
 
                                    (Beat)
 
                                  TED
         How's the wife?
 
                                  NED
         Good.
 
                                  TED
         Kids?
 
                                  NED
         Thank god.
 
                                  TED
         I hear billy's gettin' big.
 
                                  NED
         Yep.
 
                                  TED
         What's he goin' on fifteen?

                                  NED
         Just about.
 
                                  TED
         Heard his team made the series this year.
 
                                  NED
         Playoffs.
 
                                  TED
         Just as good.
 
                                  NED
         I guess.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  NED
              (continuing)
         Sher's pregnant.
 
                                    (Lights up on a pregnant woman knitting
                                    in a rocking chair, upstage right.)
 
                                  TED
         Really. Non kidding.
 
                                  NED
         Yep.
 
                                  TED
         Mazel Tov.
 
                                  NED
         Thanks.
 
                                  TED
         When's she due?
 
                                  NED
         Don't know.
 
                                  TED
         What'd her doctor say?
 
                                  NED
         I'm not sure.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  NED
              (continuing)
         You play golf much lately?

                                  TED
         I haven't had the time.
 
                                  NED
         What you been up to?
 
                                  TED
         They got me working four shows a day.
 
                                  NED
         Huh. Good money I bet.
 
                                  TED
         Not bad. Get it while you can, you know.
 
                                  NED
         Yep.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  TED
         Nice out. Kind of chilly but nice.
 
                                  NED
         Suppose to snow.
 
                                  TED
         No shit!
 
                                  NED
         'tswhat they said.
 
                                  TED
         No shit.
 
                                  NED
         Yep.
 
                                  TED
         Snow in Vegas. Huh.
              (Pauses as he stares below a bit.)
         How you doin' with the pros and cons?
 
                                  NED
         'bout even. You?
 
                                  TED
         I'm... I'm leaning twards con, but...
 
                                    (Quite)
 
                                  NED
         How's that new car?

                                  TED
         Oh, she's a beauty!
 
                                  NED
         Looks it.
 
                                  TED
         Shinny red paint job, sport black leather interior,
         stickshift, top down convertable...
 
                                  NED
         Sounds nice.
 
                                  TED
         I got it parked downstairs.
 
                                  NED
         Really.
 
                                  TED
         Wanna take a look?
 
                                  NED
         Nah.
 
                                  TED
         Sure?
 
                                  NED
         Yeah.
 
                                  TED
         We could come back.
 
                                  NED
         Thanks.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  TED
         I got a new girl.
 
                                  NED
         Yeah?
 
                                  TED
         She's in the car downstairs, waiting?
 
                                    (Lights up on a younger girl, twenties,
                                    upstage left, sitting in one of two
                                    chairs set up side by side. She might
                                    occasionally look at her watch.)

                                  NED
         Really.
 
                                  TED
         Yep. Met after the show tonight.
 
                                  NED
         Huh.
 
                                  TED
         Yep. Said she's never gone out with an Elvis before.
 
                                  NED
         It's good to be the first.
 
                                  TED
         Yep.
              (Beat)
         You sure you don't wanna come down, take a look?
              (No response.)
         How's that novel you were working on?
 
                                  NED
         The poems?
 
                                  TED
         It was about Van Gogh, righ?
 
                                  NED
         It was his life told through a series of poems.
 
                                  TED
         That's right. How's that going?
 
                                  NED
         Eh.
 
                                  TED
         What happened? You were so proud of that piece.
 
                                  NED
         I guess.
 
                                  TED
         You guess? You bled that piece. You put put your
         heart into it. What happened?
 
                                  NED
         I don't know. Hocked it around. Not much came of it.
 
                                  TED
         So? Ned, don't let the world tell you what's good.
         You tell it what's good.

                                  NED
         I guess.
 
                                  TED
         Good is good, Neddy. Good is good and good will get
         noticed.
 
                                  NED
         Yeah.
              (Beat)
         So the car's good, huh. How fast she go?
 
                                  TED
         Fast.
 
                                  NED
         Yeah?
 
                                  TED
         Pretty darn fast.
 
                                  NED
         No kidding.
 
                                  TED
         I'll take'er out to the highway, middle of nowhere,
         you know, gunner up to eighty, ninety a hundred-
 
                                  NED
         No kiddin'
 
                                  TED
         Hundred and twenty if I'm alone.
 
                                  NED
         Wow.
 
                                  TED
         Feels great.
 
                                  NED
         I bet.
              (Beat)
         So, the car... so, you're happy.
 
                                  TED
         What'd'ya mean?
 
                                  NED
         Sounds like the car makes you happy.
 
                                  TED
         Oh... sure.

                                  NED
         That's good.
              (Pause)
         What'd you tell her?
 
                                  TED
         What's that?
 
                                  NED
         The girl. What'd you tell her?
 
                                  TED
         Oh. I told I'll be right back.
 
                                  NED
         Huh.
 
                                    (Beat)
 
                                  TED
         So Sher's pregnant.
 
                                  NED
         Might not be mine.
 
                                  TED
         Really!
 
                                  NED
         Might be. Doesn't matter. I'm not that much of a
         father anyway.
 
                                  TED
         Hey, hey, now don't say that. The way you talk about
         your boys, you're a great father. Your a fantastic
         father. You got the wallet with the pictures. You're
         always there at there school plays, band concerts,
         ball games. You're a great father.
 
                                  NED
         Yeah.
              (Beat)
              (somber)
         You know, you write something that moves you.
         Something that touches your heart. Something that
         has beauty in it and is indeed beautiful. And truth.
         There's a truth to it. You know it's truthful
         because of the way your body reshapes as it settles
         itself, like special effecting back to human form
         when you read the words. But the world doesn't see
         it. Your agent doesn't see it. Your publicist, your
         editor, your friend, wife... don't see it.

         And they advise you and tell you that this advice
         would make it more palpable, easier to read, easier
         for a public to digest. And you feel pressure to
         write what doesn't feel right. And you wonder, can
         I do this? And you wonder, why am I so alone? Why
         doesn't anyone see what I see? Why am I the only one
         moved by what moves me? And you wonder... am I crazy.
              (Beat)
         So you take her out on the highway. Gun'er up to a
         hundred. Must feel good.
 
                                  TED
         Yeah, but... good enough?
 
                                  NED
         That's the big question isn't it?
 
                                  TED
         Yep.
              (Beat)
         Hey! I finally did it! I went ahead and bought that
         condo.
 
                                  NED
         Which one's that?
 
                                  TED
         Remember I told you about that new condo they were
         building on the strip?
 
                                  NED
         Can't say.
 
                                  TED
         The luxury one.
 
                                  NED
         With the Tennis Courts-
 
                                  TED
         In the basement. Yeah, that's the one.
 
                                  NED
         Nice.
 
                                  TED
         Ned, they got a spa you wouldn't believe. Steam,
         sauna, olympic length swimming pool, the works.
 
                                  NED
         No kidding.

                                  TED
         On site maid and laundry. The works.
 
                                  NED
         And you bought it, huh.
 
                                  TED
         Well, when my folks passed they had left me a nice
         bit of change. It's what I wanted so...
 
                                  NED
         Good for you.
 
                                  TED
         Thanks.
 
                                  NED
         Nice.
 
                                  TED
         Thank you.
 
                                  NED
         The new car, the new house, the girl... you only go
         up from there, right?
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  TED
         Any movement?
 
                                  NED
         Not really. A little more pro. Maybe.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  TED
              (Looks up)
         I've never seen it before.
 
                                  NED
         What's that?
 
                                  TED
         Snow.
 
                                  NED
         Really?
 
                                  TED
         ... from San Diego originally.
 
                                  NED
         No kidding.

                                  TED
         Why times it suppose to snow?
 
                                  NED
         ... said by mornin'.
 
                                  TED
         Huh. Just a dusting?
 
                                  NED
         We're suppose to get around a foot.
 
                                  TED
         No kidding! A foot of snow in Vegas?
 
                                  NED
         That's what they said.
 
                                  TED
         Wow.
              (Beat)
         What's it like?
 
                                  NED
         What's that?
 
                                  TED
         Snow. What's it like?
 
                                  NED
         Nice.
 
                                  TED
         Yeah.
 
                                  NED
         Falls from above the street lights, you know, into
         this... this illuminated cone of light.
 
         Each flake, like a spotted felon,
         Dodging and darting when it hits the light.
         But there ain't much room in the growing cone,
         Cause there's thousands of'em.
         Millions.
         All dots,
         dash and dart past each other
         Never bumpin' into another.
 
         No need for "excuse me's"
 
         Till they make it to the flow on the ground
         Home
         Like returning home
         Like a flake meeting up with the rest of the flakes

 
         And unlike that liquid, crystal colored kamakazee squadron
         that crash into the concrete,
         Snow lands quitely, met by the softest catch
 
         Each flake accepted in this gentle way
         To become one with the great white dune,
 
         Soundlessly ready to catch the next.
         (Beat)
 
         They say that rain's an audial event.
         Snow, It's just somethin you gotta see.
 
                                    (A moment)
 
                                  TED
         Wow. Sounds beautiful.
 
                                  NED
         I been told.
 
                                  TED
         You've never seen it?
 
                                  NED
         Southern Florida.
 
                                  TED
         You described it so beautifully.
 
                                  NED
         Books, poets, stuff like that.
 
                                  TED
         Oh.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  TED
              (continuing)
         Say Ned.
 
                                  NED
         Yup.
 
                                  TED
         I was thinking.
 
                                  NED
         Go on.

                                  TED
         Well, you've never seen snow... and... and... I've
         never seen it. And you've never seen it. And...
         and... I was wondering.
 
                                  NED
         Yeah.
 
                                  TED
         Maybe... maybe it's even more beautiful than you
         described it.
 
                                  NED
         Could be.
 
                                  TED
         The thing is...
 
                                  NED
         Yeah?
 
                                  TED
         The thing...
 
                                  NED
         Yeah?
 
                                  TED
              (Looks at Ned)
         We might never know.
              (Ned looks up at Ted)
         We might never know.
 
                                    (Long Pause)
 
                                    (Ned looks upstage, through the window
                                    that Ted mimed opening.)
 
                                  TED
              (continuing)
         What do you think?
 
                                  NED
         I think maybe we found our reason not to jump
         tonight.
 
                                  TED
         I was thinking the same.
              (Pause)
         Merry Christmas Neddy.
 
                                  NED
         Merry Christmas.

                                    (They climb through the window. Ned
                                    heads off stage right and Ted stage
                                    left.)
 
                                  TED
         See you tomorrow night.
 
                                  NED
         You bet.
 
                                    (The End)

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Sat Dec 30th, 2006 05:31 pm
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
Paddy
Moderator


Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Kitchener, Ontario Canada
Posts: 2527
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
I love this!  Poetic and beautiful.  Really, well well done.  I have no idea why the women show up...for one, the knitting caught in my throat as being stereo-typical, and unlikely, and the only thing having them on stage would do, is distract from what was really going on.  In my mind, completely unnecessary.

Also, this...so stark, and also unnecessary...

I think maybe we found our reason not to jump tonight.


It just really never has to be said.

Other than that...GREAT!!!

Paddy

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Sun Dec 31st, 2006 06:01 am
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
ohdear
Member


Joined: Tue Dec 5th, 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 113
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
The irony of family and people not being enough, but SNOW. Life is like that oddly enough. Nice peice.

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Sun Dec 31st, 2006 04:02 pm
  PM Quote Reply
4th Post
eezra
Member
 

Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
Posts: 29
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Thanks for your comments.

Paddy, I wondered about the women and yes, the piece could be done without them. I just thought it might be interesting to see the souls that might be waiting for them and possibly left waiting if they decided to jump.

Still you make a good point about distraction and the last thing I would want is for the audiance to loose focus on what's happening between Ted and Ned. And I completely agree that the knitting is stereotypical. Just something I came up with on the quick.

Also, the last line, I went back and forthe on the need for it. I'm sure by that point in the piece it's obvious what's going on. Just thought it might be effective to hear them finally state it.

In anycase, definitely stuff to think about.

Thanks for responding.

Eddie



Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 03:23 pm
  PM Quote Reply
5th Post
Luana Krause
Member


Joined: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007
Location: Wyoming USA
Posts: 158
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Excellent! Original, captivating...and poignant.

I agree with Paddy's comment about the women being uneccesary ....and the line about a reason not to jump.

Title was a little confusing on first glance, but makes sense when you read the story.

Good work, Ezra.

Luana

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 03:46 pm
  PM Quote Reply
6th Post
Edd
Moderator


Joined: Sat Jun 10th, 2006
Location: Denver, Colorado USA
Posts: 1631
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
I loved this, Eddie.  While watching it on my mind's stage the visual of two Elvis (How do you make that plural?  "Elvi" makes me think of Santa Clause.) was an added plus to an already wonderful script.  It moved quickly and kept me engaged.  Somewhere in the middle I said to myself, "Ah, Ted is talking Ned out of suicide."   But, as it turns out, that wasn't quite it and that's a good thing.  Nobody likes to know the ending mid-way through.  You kept it close to the vest.   I like that your exchanges were short and to the point.  I am generally bored by bloated dialogue however pithy (even my own).  I especially like the mysterious use of "pro" and "con."  Whatever were they talking about?  You made us wait and it was a delightful pay-off.  Nice work, Eddie. 

You must have figured out by now that the women are extraneous, but if you haven't I'll say ditto to the other comments in that regard.  Also, did Ned really mean to say that he "hooked" his book when perhaps he meant to say that he "hawked" it?

Great job.  Thank you.

What did you write today?

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Wed Jan 3rd, 2007 01:51 pm
  PM Quote Reply
7th Post
eezra
Member
 

Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
Posts: 29
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Thanks Edd and Launa for your comments and kind words.

I guess it's unanimous on the women. Still I wouldn't mind seeing this up with the women there to see if it's possible to somehow keep them in and it not be distracting. I currently have them upstage so that Ned and Ted stay the focus. Another thought might be dimming the lights on the ladies. Still another might be fade outs on the ladies.

All that said, if it doesn't work, they're gone!

The line about jumping:
I'm thinking about changing to:
"I think we're done here for tonight, Ted."

Thought on that?

Again, thanks for the input.

Eddie



Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Wed Jan 3rd, 2007 02:11 pm
  PM Quote Reply
8th Post
Luana Krause
Member


Joined: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007
Location: Wyoming USA
Posts: 158
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Eddie: Yes, I like that line better. Perfect!

I understand you wanting to keep the women, but in my opinion, the intensity of the scene diminishes when they appear. The focus shifts from the Elvi to the women and you really need to keep the audience riveted on the men. This is a very dramatic piece with excellent dialog. I would love to see it performed.

Luana

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Thu Jan 4th, 2007 02:06 am
  PM Quote Reply
9th Post
Paddy
Moderator


Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Kitchener, Ontario Canada
Posts: 2527
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Perfect last line.

Reminds me of Sam and Ralph watching over the sheep.

Paddy

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

Current time is 06:02 pm  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > The Playwrights' Gym - Feedback > Elvi On a Ledge Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.2264 seconds (15% database + 85% PHP). 27 queries executed.