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Identity Theft Insurance  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Mon Jan 15th, 2007 08:32 pm
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eezra
Member
 

Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
Posts: 29
Status: 
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Mana: 
I've been crazy busy just putting out these shorts. This might be included in a night about discoveries.

PLEASE. Let me know what you think.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                Identity Theft
                                      by
 
                                 E. Ezra Antar
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                                    (A telemarketer, Rita, in her forties,
                                    sits in a chair with her staring at the
                                    terminal. After a few seconds she takes
                                    a deep breath,  mimes putting her
                                    headset on and clicks the mouse on her
                                    computer that calls the next person.)
 
                                  RITA
         Hello Mr. Needham?  My name is Rita Davenport, and
         I'm calling to offer you a once in a-- Hello? Fuck.
 
                                    (Dials again)
 
                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello is this Mrs. Nester? Hello Mrs. Nester my name
         is Rita Daven-- I'm telling you who this is. My name
         is Rita-- Rita Daven-- I'm trying to tell you my
         name!
              (Sighs)
         No, I did not know you were eating a cob salad--
         Yes, I know what a cobb salad is-- No, you don't
         have to tell me what goes into-- I'm... I'm glad you
         your husband is a marine. Yes. Now if I could just
         give me- There's no need to get nasty. -- HEY!
              (Hangs up)
         Hope you choke on piece of bacon fat, douche bag!
 
                                    (Dials again)
 
                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello is Mrs. Noche available? Good evening Mrs.
         Noche. My name is Rita Da-- What's that? Oh.
              (manipulates the voloume on the headset)
         Is this okay?
              (Move the mouse)
         How about now? Can you hear me now?
              (Beat)
         Mrs. Noche I've got the volume-- I said I've got the
         volume-- I SAID I'VE GOT THE VOLUME WAY--  THE
         VOLUME-- I'M NOT SELLING VOLVOS-- THE VOL-- Oh fuck
         it. Oh that you heard, huh. Well hear this.
 
                                    (Sticks her middle finger up to the
                                    mouth piece. Then hangs up.)
 
                                    (She throws the headset off and puts
                                    her head down on her desk.)
 
                                    (Pause about ten five to ten seconds)
 
                                    (Her cell phone rings "I Gotta Be Me".
                                    She answers.)

                                  RITA
              (continuing)
         Hello. Hi J. No honey, I've got to work late tonight
         again. I know. I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry
         sweety. I'll make it up to you. I promise you I'll
         make it up-- On Saturday-- we'll make a day of it on
         Saturday. I'll take you skating. Yes. Yes, and a
         movie. I know. I'd rather be home too. I'm sorry
         baby. Is Maria there? Ask her if she can stay till
         nine.
              (Waits for the reply)
         Shit. Sorry. Yes, I know you've heard the word. No,
         you can only use the "shoot" version. Because you're
         nine and I'm... aproaching a hundred and two.
              (sigh about what to do)
         Alright. Look. I can't come home till nine so you're
         going to be alone for about half an hour. Is that
         okay? Good. Make sure that the door is locked. And
         don't answer the door for anyone. And if anyone
         calls let the machine-- You're right. You're not a
         baby. Alright sweety, I'll be home by nine. I love
         you too. Bye baby.
 
                                    (Hangs the cell phone up. Sighs. Puts
                                    the headset back on. Prepares herself.)
 
                                    (Clicks to dial the next number.This
                                    time we hear a phone ringing)
 
                                    (Lights up on Justine, a woman in her
                                    early sixties as she answers)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hello.
 
                                  RITA
         Hello, is Justine O'Connor home?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         That's me darling.  Who's calling?
 
                                  RITA
         Hi Mrs. O'Connor.  My name is Rita Davenport, and
         I'm calling to offer you a once in a lifetime
         opportunity.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh good!
 
                                  RITA
         Have you ever considered --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Where are you calling from?

                                  RITA
         What?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Where are you calling from, sweetheart?
 
                                  RITA
         I'm with First Fidelity Life.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Really!
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         How exciting.
 
                                  RITA
         I'm glad you think so.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Indeed.
 
                                  RITA
         Which is why I'm calling.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         We're you located?
 
                                  RITA
         Excuse me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Your location my dear.
 
                                  RITA
         Well, the banks home office is in New York.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         NO KIDDING!
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         That's where my son-in-law is from.
 
                                  RITA
         No kidding.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         A Jewish fella.

                                  RITA
         Huh.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I like the Jewish.
 
                                  RITA
         Well there are lots of'em.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Are you Jewish?
 
                                  RITA
         No.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Are you sure?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I think everyone's got a little Jewish in them.
         Don't you?
 
                                  RITA
         I guess. But--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         What are you?
 
                                  RITA
         Excuse me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         How were you raised... Demomination wise?
 
                                  RITA
         I was raised Episcopalian.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Isn't that fascinating?
 
                                  RITA
         I guess.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Were both your parents Episcopalian?
 
                                  RITA
         Well... my adoptive parents, yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         You're adopted!

                                  RITA
         Y - yes.  But if I could --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Isn't that remarkable.  Were a good to you?
 
                                  RITA
         I hate to sound rude, Mrs. O'Connor, but I really
         need to discribe the opportunity to you and make
         other calls.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of course.  Sorry dear.  Go ahead.
 
                                  RITA
         Have you ever considered the damages that can be
         caused by identity theft?
              (Beat)
         Mrs. O'Connor?  Hello?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes?
 
                                  RITA
         Have you ever considered the damages that can be
         caused by identity theft?
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Should I answer that?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes, please.
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (answering)
         Yes.
 
                                  RITA
         You have?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Should I have said No?
 
                                  RITA
         Either one will do.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Let me go with No then.
 
                                  RITA
         Okay, well most people haven't--

                                  JUSTINE
         Oh good!
 
                                  RITA
         But the fact is that identity theft is a growing
         threat --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'll take two then.
 
                                  RITA
         Two?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of those identity things.
 
                                  RITA
         No, you don't understand.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh, maybe uncle Ned and my sister Clara could would
         like one.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'll take three bracelets!
 
                                  RITA
              (to herself)
         Oh God.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Can you put the words "to my dearest"  --
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor this is not jewelry!
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It's not.
 
                                  RITA
         No.  Identity theft is when someone uses your
         identity for their own personal gain. When someone
         steals your identity to open bank accounts and
         insurance policies in your name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh.  Oh.
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.

                                  JUSTINE
         I see. And you're selling this, why?
 
                                  RITA
         I'M NOT--
              (composes herself)
         I'm offering you an opportunity to protect yourself
         against it.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well then that's a good thing.
 
                                  RITA
         Very.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I see.
              (Beat)
         Is it sunny where you are?
 
                                  RITA
              (Sighs)
         Kind of.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh good. I'd heard about that horrible storm hitting
         the north east and it made me so --
 
                                  RITA
         I'm in Florida --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Silly me. I thought you had said New-
 
                                  RITA
         The home office is in New York. I'm out side of
         Orlando.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh I see. I thought I was going senile, like my Jed
         here.
 
                                  RITA
         No.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Good.
              (Beat)
         So tell me more about this Identity Stealing. I'm
         very interested.

                                  RITA
         You are? I mean...
              (scrolls the mouse)
         Well just last year alone there were over one
         hundred and sixty thousand cases of reported
         Identity Theft in this country alone, ranging simple
         credit card use, to falsifying credit statements, to
         purchased homes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh heavens!
 
                                  RITA
         Yes. Imagine what it would be like to suddenly
         receive a statement claiming that you suddenly owed
         millions of dollars--
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (calls out)
         WHAT?
 
                                  RITA
         That you owed --
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'M ON THE PHONE.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Sorry dear. Give me just one second.
 
                                  RITA
              (Big sigh)
 
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Jed honey, I'm on the phone.
              (caps represent volume, not anger)
         I'M ON THE PHONE! I'LL BE OFF IN A MINUTE. I'm
         talking to Rita Davenport. RITA DAVENPORT FROM
         FLORIDA... just outside of Orlando. What's that?
         Episcopalian. Yes. I'll be off in a minute.
              (Back on the phone)
         Sorry dear. Go ahead.
              (Pause)
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Is everything alright?

                                  RITA
         Yes.
              (Quite)
         I'm just... just shocked that you remembered my name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It's a lovely name.
 
                                  RITA
         Thank you.
              (Beat)
         Thank you.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Did you know your birth parents?
 
                                  RITA
         No.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Did you ever try and find then?
 
                                  RITA
         No.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh.
 
                                  RITA
         I just assumed that they didn't-
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (Interrupting)
         Oh dear. I'm sorry. Hold on.
              (To Jed)
         Jed, sweetheart I'll make you a sandwich in a minute.
              (Back to the phone)
         I'm sorry. He's not the same since he closed the
         shoe shop.
 
                                  RITA
         Oh. Is that what he did?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes. But since he closed the place... I'm afraid
         he's gotten a little senile.
 
                                  RITA
         I'm sorry to hear that.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I just hope it isn't that Alzheimer. God help me if
         it's that. But, not to worry about things you can't
         control, right?

                                  RITA
         I guess.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         ...twhat my mother used to say.
 
                                  RITA
         Good words to live by.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I know... but... somedays I get so frightened that
         we'll be alone he'll... uch...  Anyhow, go ahead
         with your pitch sweety.
 
                                  RITA
         How long did he have the shoe shop?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well, it was actually my father's but all they had
         was one daughter, me, so papa trained Jed. Turned it
         over to him.
 
                                  RITA
         That was nice of him.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Stern man, my father.
 
                                  RITA
         Old fashion, huh?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         The oldest.
 
                                  RITA
         Really.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         You wasn't at the table by six o'clock sharp, you'd
         heear
              (scottish brogue)
         "Lassie, if you're not in seat for sup, you wait
         till we're done and eat what's left. IF there is
         anything left."
 
                                  RITA
         He was scottish.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Very.
 
                                  RITA
         Sounds it.

                                  JUSTINE
         But tell me about you.
 
                                  RITA
         My father was great. Always seem to be there for
         me... between me and my mother when ever she'd...
              (trails off)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         What dear?
 
                                  RITA
         She had a bit of a drinking problem.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'm sorry to hear that.
 
                                  RITA
         I don't think she ever considered me her own.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well, she didn't know what she was missing now, did
         she?
 
                                  RITA
         Thank you.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of course.
 
                                  RITA
         I just make sure my daughter knows she's wanted.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         You have a daughter? How wonderful. How old?
 
                                  RITA
         Nine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh I bet you love that her something awful.
         What's her name.
 
                                  RITA
              (Laughs)
         It's Justine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (Laughs with her)
         Really! Isn't that just the darndest!
 
                                  RITA
         Yeah.

                                  JUSTINE
         Is her father a good man?
 
                                  RITA
         Who knows. I haven't seen the di--
              (Cathches herself)
         I haven't seen him till I told him I was pregnant
         with J.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         With...
 
                                  RITA
         I call her J.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh. So he left and never returned, huh.
 
                                  RITA
         I made my bed, so...
 
                                  JUSTINE
         And you chose to keep the baby.
 
                                  RITA
         Oh yeah.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Boy times have changed.
 
                                  RITA
         I mean... I support a woman's right to choose but I
         don't think I could ever--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I didn't mean that. But there are other options.
 
                                  RITA
         You mean adoption?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         It was an option.
 
                                  RITA
         I... I... I wanted her to know who she was.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Of course.
 
                                    (Beat)
 
                                  RITA
         Anyway, I guess I should finish making these other--

                                  JUSTINE
         Can we go ahead and purchase one of those--
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Call me Justine.
 
                                  RITA
         Justine... You don't need Identity Theft Insurance.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well now that's my call.
 
                                  RITA
         Yes but with your husband out of work and--
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh now, were doin' just fine.
 
                                  RITA
         It's thirty dollars a month.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Just a spit in the bucket.
 
                                  RITA
         Are you sure?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'd like to purchase some, please.
 
                                  RITA
         Alright. Well... Let just confirm your information.
         You are Mrs. Justine O'Connor at 434 Inhearitence
         Drive, Monongbay, Wisconsin 53566?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Correct.
 
                                  RITA
         And is this number that I called you at your home
         telephone number?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes.
 
                                  RITA
         Is there a business number?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Non since with lost the repair shop.

                                  RITA
         Stupid me. Sorry.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No problem dear.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (continuing)
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor are you sure you want to do this?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Most definitely.
 
                                  RITA
         Alright then, before I get your payment information
         I need one more thing. I need to get a piece of
         information that no one would know so that we can
         verfy you are you should you need to make a claim.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Let's see.
              (beat)
         Well, there was the time I passed wind in gym class
         and blamed it on Beula Mayridge.
 
                                  RITA
              (laughs)
         No, something simpler like your maden name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh. That would be MacMullroy.
 
                                  RITA
         Could you spell that for me?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Sure. M-a-c-M-u-l-l-r-o-y.
 
                                  RITA
         What an interesting name.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Folks called him Mully.
 
                                  RITA
         Really.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         He was known as Mully Red.

                                  RITA
         Why Red?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         His hair.
 
                                  RITA
         Oh dear. Was his hair that...
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hello?
              (Beat)
         Hello? Rita--
 
                                  RITA
         Yes. Yes, I'm... Could you hold on one second?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Sure.
 
                                  RITA
         Thanks.
              (Thows off her headset and dials her sell
              phone.)
              (Call is answered)
         J, listen, I need you to do me a favor. Remember the
         locket that Nana gave you before she died? That's
         the one. Could you find it. I think you put it in
         your ballet dancer box.
              (Puts the headset back on the other ear and
              clicks)
         Mrs. O'connor I'll just be a second more.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Not a problem sweetheart. I hope everything is okay.
 
                                  RITA
         Yes. I'll just be a second.
              (puts her on hold. drops the head set.)
              (Back on the phone with J)
         You got it? NO! THE LOCKET! Yes. Yes. Hurry.
              (Beat)
         Thats it! Open it. What does it say inside.
              (Grabs paper and pencil and writes.)
         Let me read it back to you "To my loving daughter,
         Bonnie Blue Eys, with all my heart,"
              (Questioning the last two words)
         Molly Red?" Are you sure it's Molly? Can you spell
         it?
              (Listen to the spelling)
         Okay. Yes. That's actually pronounce Mully
         sweety.That's right. It would be pronounced Mully
         Red. That's okay. I'll see you in-- OH BLESS HER!

         Tell Maria thank you and I'll take care of her when
         I get home. Yes. I gotta go. Bye.
              (Hangs up with J. Puts the headset back on and
              clicks Justine off of hold)
         Mrs. O'Connor?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes dear.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor did you have a sister named Bonnie.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No child. I told you. I was the only child.
 
                                  RITA
         Are you sure?
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (ansering affirmative)
         No child.
 
                                  RITA
         Some one named Bonnie with blue eyes?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Well, my eyes are Blue but...
 
                                  RITA
         Was your name ever Bonnie?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         No, sweetheart.
 
                                  RITA
         Middle name maybe?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Honey, what's going on?
              (Beat)
         Rita?
 
                                  RITA
         Yeah.
              (Discouraged)
         I thought... I thought... never mind. Okay. I'll...
         I'll take that credit card now.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hold on a second dear.
              (Pause)
              (Back on the phone.)
         Hello?

                                  RITA
         Yes.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Okay. I have a Visa.
 
                                  RITA
         That's fine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Number is... Oh dear. That one's expired. How about
         a... no... no... Rita sweetheart. I'm real
         embarrassed about this but all the cards... Jed use
         to take care of the finances and it seems he forgot
         to renew.
 
                                  RITA
         Don't worry about it.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I'm really sorry.
 
                                  RITA
         Don't worry about it Mrs.-- Justine.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I can call you back when--
 
                                  RITA
         It's okay.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Oh dear. Well you take care then.
 
                                  RITA
         I will.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         And you take care of that little girl of yours. I'm
         sure she's a beauty.
 
                                  RITA
         Most definitely. Bye Mrs. O'Connor.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Bye now.
 
                                    (They both hang up.)
 
                                    (Blackout on Justine.)
 
                                    (Rita closes everything up, gets her
                                    coat and handbag. Pulls out her cell
                                    phone and dials)

                                  RITA
         Hi baby I'm comming-- what's that? No honey. No
         sweety, she- Honey Lassie is a girl dog. Yes. I'm
         sure. Because that a term you use for a girl. Yes
         I'm sure. In fact I was just talking to a--
              (sudden realization)
         I'm here. J, do you have the locket with you? Could
         you open it again. The name Bonnie is it spelled
         with a i-e or a y?
              (gets an answer)
         Thanks. I'll see you soon.
 
                                    (Throws her headset on and dials again.)
 
                                    (Lights back up on Justine.)
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hello?
 
                                  RITA
         Hi, Justine, it's Rita.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Hello dear.
 
                                  RITA
         Sorry to bother you again.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Not at all.
 
                                  RITA
         It's just that... I was about to leave. I was
         standing here with my coat... and... A Bonny spelled
         B-o-n-n-y... it's a phrased used by Scotts, isn't it?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Yes. You could call you're loved ones your Bonny Lad
         or Bonny Lassie.
 
                                  RITA
         How about the phrase "Bonny Blue Eyes". Could that
         be a term of endearment?
              (silence)
         Mrs. O'Connor?
 
                                  JUSTINE
              (stunned)
         It's what my father called me.
 
                                  RITA
         Mrs. O'Connor... I... I have this locket... and...
         and it's inscribed... and... Mrs. O'Connor, I'm not
         sure how to ask this...

                                  JUSTINE
         I was quite young.
              (sigh)
         I wanted to keep you but my parents... they wouldn't
         have it, with me being un-wed and all. I gave a
         nurse money and told her to put my locket... to keep
         it with the baby. I never knew if she complied.
              (Begins to cry)
         I wanted to keep you dear! I swear I wanted to keep
         you.
 
                                  RITA
         It's okay. It's okay.
              (The crying subsides)
         What should we do?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I don't know.
 
                                  RITA
         Can I call you from time to time?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Absolutely.
 
                                  RITA
         Maybe we can meet some day?
 
                                  JUSTINE
         I would like that.
 
                                    (Pause)
 
                                  RITA
         Okay, then. Okay then.
 
                                  JUSTINE
         Be well.
 
                                  RITA
         Bye.
 
                                    (Lights fade on both)
 
                                    (The End)

Last edited on Tue Jan 16th, 2007 01:41 pm by eezra

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 Posted: Tue Jan 16th, 2007 06:19 am
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BrianRobertNeal
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Joined: Sat Sep 23rd, 2006
Location: Bishop's Stortford, United Kingdom
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Mana: 
Hi Eezra,

              Love the ideas, call centres and identity theft. But I think it would benefit from pruning, I must confess that I started to skim but then I can't write or read "long".

Brian

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 Posted: Tue Jan 16th, 2007 09:18 pm
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mac
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Lost City Of Atlantis
Posts: 102
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Mana: 
eezra, i agree that some pruning is in order, but the story is there, and it's good. i liked this ... not because it felt good, but because it almost didn't. you could've ended it either way (and pruning will accentuate that), and i liked that.

one nit-picky thing...this line:

"I wanted to keep you but my parents... they wouldn't
         have it, with me being un-wed and all. I gave a
         nurse money and told her to put my locket... to keep
         it with the baby. I never knew if she complied."

the verb 'complied' really turns me off. maybe: "I never knew if she did." or there's something better i'm sure. think about it.


mac

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 Posted: Wed Jan 17th, 2007 03:06 am
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scenedreamer
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Mana: 
I agree, it could use a little pruning, but it the 'bones' are there and pretty well developed. 

Good work.

sd

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 Posted: Wed Jan 17th, 2007 02:10 pm
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eezra
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Joined: Tue Nov 28th, 2006
Location: New York, New York USA
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Mana: 
Thanks so much for your comments. I really appreciate them. I agree with the pruning part.

I'm working on a revision as we speak. I hope you log back up to see the update and tell me if you think it works.

One question. Would you agree that the first three phone calls can be chucked? I added them as an after thought.

Also, Mac, just curious why you had a problem with "complied".

Eddie





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 Posted: Wed Jan 17th, 2007 02:12 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Sorry. I had one other question. The fact that her daughter asks a question about "Lassie" at the end is starting to feel a little far fectched. How do you guys feel about that?

Eddie

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 Posted: Thu Jan 18th, 2007 02:24 pm
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ohdear
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Mana: 
The first three calls are essential in my opinion. They set the tone and give insight into what it is like to be a telemarketer.

The Lassie comment could go either way. In or out matters little to me.

I would work on the end part where she is confessing, it seems a little too overt.

I think it would be more staggered. Haltering, hesitant.

Just my thoughts, I enjoyed this and for me, the first few calls are what got me hooked. I would find it much less interesting without them.

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 Posted: Thu Jan 18th, 2007 02:59 pm
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Luana Krause
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Mana: 
Ezra:

Good work. I agree with the others that it needs to be a little tighter.

To be honest, I expected this to be a gag in which Justine, by asking Rita personal questions about her background, steals Rita's identity. Kind of a crazy twist; seemed like a comedy.

There's a point in the play where we know exactly where this is going...thus it becomes predictable.  I think the climax of the story needs to be more dramatic.  When Rita and Justine realize the truth....nothing happens. The ending sort of fizzles.

(ASIDE: I just read Neil Simon's "Come Blow Your Horn" and one of the techniques he used quite successfully was "surprise." Every time someone was expected at the door, it turned out to be someone else...up to the very end of the play. I don't know how Simon did it, but each time was a total surprise.)

I also think that Rita's behavior is inconsistent. She seems angry and frustrated with the first callers, but when Justine starts rambling and whatnot, Rita is patient and helpful.

Well done! Just needs a little polishing.

Luana




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 Posted: Thu Jan 18th, 2007 03:10 pm
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mac
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Mana: 
eezra, the verb "complied" jarred my ear as i read it. it didn't sound like a word justine would have used. kind of like forrest gump randomly beginning to talk about quantum physics. that's all it was.

i agree that the first three phone calls are essential. please do keep them.

on the "lassie" bit ... i think that you'll find that problem will solve itself as you work on the climax. it's a critical element for the "ah-hah!" moment in some ways, but it is a bit of a problem right now. but, as i said, i think it's a problem that will help itself eventually.

make sense?

Last edited on Thu Jan 18th, 2007 03:12 pm by mac

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 Posted: Thu Jan 18th, 2007 03:30 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Hi all,

Thanks for your comments.

I just finished a re-write and will post it soon.

As for the climax. It's a tough one because I keep asking myself "What do you say?" Good stuff to work on.

I'll be posting the re-write soon.

As for the three phone calls. Took them out. Didn't like them missing. Then put them back.

Eddie

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 Posted: Thu Jan 25th, 2007 11:14 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Hey guys,

Just wanted to let you all know that I've posted a re-write in the revision section, if you'd care to take a look.

Thanks for the suggestions.

Eddie

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