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 Posted: Tue Dec 12th, 2006 01:52 pm
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OmaNipa
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Joined: Sat Dec 9th, 2006
Location: NongKhai, Thailand
Posts: 3
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Mana: 
Excuse me, I am some what new to this form and posted my play for view at my web page.  Well into my 70's I try but find that learning the computer for me is one mighty big task.   So if I make a miztake now and then bare with me.  I've tried the Green Room only to realise that there's a 12 hour difference.  I live in Thailand and am having my first cup of coffee while the US is ready to go to sleep and in the UK it's one AM.
For your view and comment. 
Thank you
OmaNipa

The Short Stage Play
                         
                        Outrageous Deception
                 

The Cast::

Dr. Tony Crow - Senior Resident Psychiatrist Raving Hears Asylum

John Crow - Meditation Master. Brother of Dr. Crow.

Pastor Anthony Bloom - Patient of Dr Crow

Dorje - Shaman Priest and exorcist

Oma - Disembodied Tibetan Lama

Ernie - Proprietor Ernie’s Delicatessen. Male second wife of Dr. Crow

Nurse Anna - Receptionist for Dr. Crow

Consultation room Raving Hears Asylum (Low lighting)

Dr. Crow: (Speaking into tape recorder) Raving Hears Asylum. Case number 11R21. Subject: Pastor Anthony Bloom., Age 55. Admitted under court order January 3rd for observation and psychiatric evaluation. His every movement and uttered sounds are recorded on videotape to attest to the authenticity of my observations. Pastor Bloom’s case has stretched my medical knowledge to the limit. Pastor Bloom is utterly convinced that he is dead. His rationale thinking is that all that is happening to him is the evil revenge of a living Satan. (Speaking to himself) How can I forget. I was left with a choice of either complete professional defeat or to try and find an answer by reaching back to a pristine time when mankind was less encumbered with the foils of modernity. I made up my mind and telephone my brother John at his meditation retreat centre. I explaining my dilemma in detail. John said he would immediately telephone India to reach the Tibetan shaman high priest Dorje who was visiting a Lamasery in Dharamsala. Twenty-one hours later Dorje was met at the airport by John who escorted him to my office. It was at this stage that events began to take on an even stranger and totally unexpected twist.

(Lights-Up - John and Dorje enter)

John: Tony I'm afraid it may be too late to help Pastor Bloom. Om Mane Padme Hum

Dorje: In my opinion, if we’re very lucky we may have a very small window of opportunity. OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA. ...

John: Dorje has determined that Pastor Bloom is actively retreating from Samsara.

Dr. Crow: Would the two of you please sit down. I have some questions and need urgent answers. One, I don’t understand this Samsara business. Two, refreshments. First things being first, let me order us some tea. (Intercom.) Nurse Anna, will you please send out for three cups of tea.

Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Hot or iced?

Dr. Crow: Hot. Now, Dorje would you please explain.

Dorje: In Asia this world we live in is referred to as Samsara. Call it, ordinary reality. Modern science now recognises that we, our body is mere fever fiber trying to maintain our heat through food and clothing. Simply put, we’re shifting molecules in a sea of interacting chemicals. Atmosphere presses in on us and gives us our form.

Dr. Crow: Frankly I must say, I’ve never quite thought of myself in that way. However it sounds reasonable. Go on.

John: Dorje explained to me that according to ancient secret texts that our body we live in and the senses organs that send their signals to the brain are all processed through blood.

Dr. Crow: Uh huh.

John: The blood brain interprets all that we see, smell, hear, taste and feel.

Dr. Crow: So what’s your point?

John: In the final analysis we are experiencing nothing more than a blood brain hallucination that we delude ourselves into believing as reality. Samsara!

Dr. Crow: God has given us the power of reasoning and this is what sets us apart from all the other species.

Dorje: It is obvious what has happened. Pastor Bloom thinking that he is dead has inadvertently unleashed a large negative power within himself. In time his actions will twist the fabric of Samsaric reality.

John: Reality, Samsara will be irrevocably ripped apart by a force that has been waiting in the shadows since the beginning of time. All will be lost!

Dr. Crow: I’m a psychiatrist and all this metaphysical talk is going way over my head. You’re saying that Pastor Bloom will destroy the illusionary world of Samsara. If it’s all illusion in the first place what harm could possibly happen? And how do you think this all came about in the first place?

Dorje: From what you explained to John I have concluded that a blood tube burst in Pastor Bloom’s brain while he was praying. During the time of his stroke his prayers were misdirected and accidentally tapped in an ancient consciousness long thought to have been extinct. This collective consciousness now awakened within him has only one thought on its mind. Annihilate Samsara, destroy everything as we know it!

Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Excuse me Dr. Crow. Ernie at the deli is on the phone. He says he’s got five different black teas from England, three from India, two from Ceylon, four herb teas and Japanese green teas. He wants to know witch one you want.

Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Can’t anyone do what I ask? Tell him I want three tea bag of black tea and three cups of hot water.

Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Honey, brown sugar or substitute? Yeah, yeah go ahead Ernie . . . milk or lemon?

Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Three bags of black tea and three cups of hot water!

John: I’d like lemon. How about you Dorje?

Dorje: Simple organic honey.

Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Did you get that Nurse Ann? So, Dorje if I rightly understand what you’re saying at some point Bloom will be able to, to rearrange the molecules of reality?

Dorje: Well it doesn’t quite work that way.

John: Dorje do you have any Tibetan medicines or mystic spells we can use? Om Mane Padme Hum

Dorje: The only medicine I have is a small pouch of herbs mixed with some powdered bones and a knowledge of prayer though mantras.

Dr. Crow: I’ve read in an old copy of the Tibetan Chronicle that you can levitate, is that true?

Dorje: Dr. Crow that was a long time ago and I was terribly traumatised the first time it happened. I understand trauma now and recognize this symptom that Pastor Bloom is experiencing.

John: In the taxi this morning Dorje explained that he thinks Blooms condition was brought about by a multiple shock to Blooms psychic system. Om Mane Padme Hum

Dr. Crow: He was traumatised by the loss of his late wife in a tsunami. After that he had a stroke and now he thinks he himself is dead. This condition is further exasperated by severe constipation which we are medically dealing with.

John: That’s the root of our problem . He thinks he’s dead. Convinced that he’s dead his system released a negative current up and out his crown chakra at the top of his head. He’s created his own outrageous deception. Om Mane Padme Hum

Dr. Crow: Well gentlemen I’m afraid that at this point modern medical science ends.

Dorje: I'll try and explain what I do know. Our body acts like a battery. The heart pumps seven and a half thousand litres of blood through our system every day at a rate of seventy two beats a minute. This movement builds up heat and an electrical charge.

Dr. Crow: Dorje we’re all aware of that, its common knowledge.

Dorje: When the body is denied this electrical charge it dies and the life force attempts to escapes up the central nervous system by way of the crown shakra.

Dr. Crow: Shakra? I’m afraid this is all getting deeper into metaphysics of which I confess I know little of. Can you simply explain precisely what happened?

Dorje: (Laughing) That’s like asking me to define the very nature of your God.

John: Are you saying that he is in communion with the almighty?

Dorje: When the electrical charge was released from his crown chakra it carried with it a strong negative electro-magnetic wave. Since he did not die this wave remained intact continuing to receive it’s charge from his living body by way of a molecular magnetic cord much like the cord that connects a mother to her new born. Simply, it’s like a balloon on a long string.

Dr. Crow: If he were to die, would this electro-magnetic wave cease to exist?

Dorje: Normally yes. In time it would be absorbed back into a new life form. However, this is a large growing wave continuing to receive energy from his molecular magnetic cord.. If he were to ‘switch off,’ that is, if he does not die and inadvertently releases the wave everything we know would be destroyed.

John: What of the reports that he’s been heard talking to his deceased wife? Om Mane Padme Hum

Dorje: The force of an ordinary electro-magnetic wave an EMW does not dissipate on any time scale that we are familiar with. At the moment of his wife’s death her ‘heat image spirit’ was trapped within a common positive negative EMW. Now she is forced to wonder in the ether between form and formless.

Dr. Crow: Heat image spirit? I’m afraid I don’t understand your terminology.

Dorje: Our spirit or soul as you know it lives within our living breathing warm body. It is attracted to and lives in the heat of our body. When we die our body heat dissipates and the ‘heat image spirit’ normally escapes up and out the crown chakra within the EMW. Depending on the karma of past actions performed by its former host body it will seek back to a new life form once released.

Dr. Crow: So, if I understand all this, her, how should I put it, her heat soul or spirit is trapped within an EMW and has not gained release. She’s a ghost. Bloom is talking with the ghost of his former wife?

John: His wife is dead and aimlessly wondering in the Bardo. Yes, he is talking with his dead wife.

Dorje: Yes, but you must remember he has not been trained to deal with this matter. Neither he nor his wife have been empowered through Phowa .

Dr. Crow: Phowa?

John: Phowa is the ancient discipline used for the transference of consciousness at the time of death.

Dr. Crow: Transference of consciousness? I’m afraid you lost me again. What I am aware of is that when our body dies it releases a strong dose of adrenaline that acts as a buffer against pain.

Dorje: At the time of death, consciousness arises to unconsciousness. Within a few minutes our brain dies of oxygen starvation.

Dr. Crow: OK. I’m following you so far.

Dorje: As the brain dies it sublimates, it transfers our feeling knowledge to the next highest system in our body, the simpatico and Para simpatico muscle system. About 36 hours later the adrenaline begins to dissipate a little and unconsciousness arises to consciousness.

John: That’s when the Bardo first begins.

Dorje: Awakened we begin to experience the Bardo as a muscle hallucination without the reasoning power of our former brain. In our muscle hallucinations we think we see lights, hear sounds and maybe even have visits by old love ones.

Dr. Crow: An after death muscle hallucination with out our brain, Jesus Christ that sounds frightening.

John: Jesus has nothing to do with this.

Dr. Crow: John I don’t need your snide comment about Jesus. Dorje how long does this Bardo thing go on?

Dorje: Up to forty nine days. The faster we eject our spirit the shorter the time. The last area in the body to die is the genitalia, 49 days after death.

Dr. Crow: You mean I could be locked inside my dieing body for forty nine days?

Dorje: Yes. The adrenaline our body makes dissipates very slowly and wakeful consciousness arises and wanes many times.

Dr. Crow: You were talking about a Phowa something or other.

Dorje: There is a deep knowledge obscured by an erroneous translation of ‘The Tibetan Book of the Dead.’ Missing from the translation is that we are instructed to use the first shock at the time consciousness first returns. This first shock is the strongest and acts like a bow and arrow that we can use to eject our conscious soul up the central channel of the spinal cord and out the crown shakra. Think of it this way, if we drop a ping pong ball the first bounce is the highest.

Dr. Crow: You keep on talking about Shakra. Now what’s that all about?

John: There are five basic power areas in the body called shakras. The lower one is at the genitals, then followed by in ascending order, the stomach, the heart, the throat and the crown shakra at the top of our head where the bones kneads together.

Dorje: The early Greeks referred to the sharkas as Kum Bum, the five elements of the body. Earth, water, fire, air and ether. These symbols are represented in form by the construction of large cement Stupas that proliferate Asia. A square at the bottom, a circle, a triangle, a cup and a flame.

Dr. Crow: Now wait a minute first you talk about shakras, then Greeks, Kum Bum and Stupas in Asia. I think this is getting a little too far fetched. What is their connection?

John: About two thousand five hundred fifty years ago the Buddha asked his followers to go and spread the message of the liberation from birth, old age, sickness and death. These monks and devotees travelled from India northward into China and West to Mesopotamia in Iraq then to Greece and Egypt.

Dorje: As they migrated further north into Europe they were later referred to as Gypsy’s and though to have come from Egypt.

Dr. Crow: Ok. I’m getting the bigger picture. But what has Egypt and Pastor Bloom have to do with each other? He’s never been over eight miles from his hometown.

John: A lot.

Ernie: (Enters) You girls all look a little long in the tooth.

Dr. Crow: Ernie I think these two are trying to tell me God is about to die!

Ernie: Don't get so excited. I'm sure it’s nothing more than an allergic reaction to those new hormone supplements the doctor asked you to take.

John: Ernie, if you don’t mind. Eternal truth is about to become extinct and all you can talk about is hormone supplements.

Ernie: (Kisses Dr. Crow on cheek) Have you had lunch yet dear?

Dr. Crow: No.

John: Ernie the universe is about to end!

Ernie: Well have a nice hot cup of tea that’ll cheer you up. I’ll make you all one of Mother Ernie’s roast beef sandwiches for lunch.

John: Hold the mayo.

Ernie: Everyone who wants potato salad raise your hand.

Dr. Crow: If it weren’t for Ernie I don’t know where life would have lead me. True, my wife has been less tolerant since Ernie moved in with us.

Ernie: That bitch of a wife of yours will be the death of us all! (EXITS.)

Dr. Crow: Dorje, as I see it, this situation is totally impossible!

Dorje: Long years ago when I was a simple novice, my spiritual teacher Venerable Oma use to say to me: ‘Dorje boy, if you think this situation is totally impossible, the next one’s gonna be one hell of ah Wallop-Ah-Looser!’

John: Is there a way out of all of this?

(Nurse Anna enters pushing Pastor Bloom in wheelchair)

Nurse Anna: It’s time for Pastor Bloom’s daily consultation Dr Crow. Is there anything further doctor?

Dr. Crow: No, thank you Nurse. (Nurse exits)

Bloom: I hate enemas!! I don't want another enema!! Doctor look at my lips. I'll say it in plain English. I don't want another god damn enema!!

John: Profound wisdom Pastor Bloom.

Dr. Crow: Pastor Bloom, your desire is truly noted.

Bloom: Stop with this damn enema therapy of yours.

John: Even more wisdom from the pulpit of the wheelchair, Pastor.

Dr. Crow: Bloom I assure you there will be no more enemas for now.

Bloom: (Looking up) You. You up there stop taunting me! Leave me alone! I’m dead. Show a little respect for the dead!

Dr. Crow: Other than that, how do you feel today Pastor Bloom?

Bloom: How would you feel after being physically forced to take 52 enemas? (Looking up) I said stop taunting me in that way! (Looking around) And who in hell are you?

Dorje: An old man from the hills of Tibet.

Bloom: You’re one of them! You’re in cahoots with that damn doctor’s brother. All you heathens can go to hell!

John: Hi, Pastor Bloom.

Bloom: Don’t you Pastor Bloom me sonny. Satan cursed this world with the evil of your ilk.

John: Noted.

Dr. Crow: Anthony listen to me . . .

Bloom: Satan has condemned me to the enema hell realm. Christine help me. Tell them all to go to hell!

Dr. Crow: He thinks he hears his wife’s voice. Anthony Bloom listen to me. You’re not dead. The three of us are here to help you .

Bloom: After thirty dedicated years of work I’ve been abandoned on a cold wet toilet seat for eternity.

Dr. Crow: Pastor Bloom I can assure you your not dead!

Bloom: (Indicating up with his forefinger) Tell him, not me. With all that’s going on I’m having enough trouble just trying to breathe between enemas.

Dorje: Let me try something. (Directing comments over Blooms head) You, you up there. I’m talking to you! Who are you and what do you want?

Voice: Well if it isn’t old Dorje boy. Om Ma Ah Hung

Bloom: That's him!

Dorje: How do you know who I am? Who are you? OM GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA. ...

Voice: Remember Dorje boy I once told you: ‘If you think this situation is totally impossible, the next one’s goanna be one hell of ah Wallop-Ah-Looser!’ Om Ma Ah Hung

Dorje: Oma, Is that you?

Bloom: That's the bastard that won't leave me alone.

Voice: Dorje you were always a little slow to figure things out. Do you think I’d just sit around and allow some misguided bible thumper to destroy the illusionary world of Samsara.

Dorje: Oma, it is you!

Voice: Given his way Pastor Bloom would destroy all of creation including his own universal God. Now if I can get him to hold still for awhile I’m going to transfer my consciousness and enter his mind.

Bloom: Now the three of you are in consultation with a voice in my head.

Dr. Crow: Would someone please explain what’s going on here.

Voice: Hello doctor. You all might want to sip a little of your tea this may take a few seconds.

Dr. Crow: Ah, ah, hello there. Dorje what the hell is going on here.

Voice: Yeah. Yeah, I’m almost in. Damn it hold still. Got you my boy. I’m inside. (Blooms body begins to shake) Oh ho! He’s trying to root me out of his consciousness. I see I’m going to have to switch to plan B. Dorje I’m going to transfer my consciousness to over there.. Stand by. Om Ma Ah Hung

Bloom: Damn it. Would you heathens stop talking long enough to let me breath! Christine I've been forsaken by god. Satan, Satan's horn! Satan's horn is in my ass!

Dr. Crow: It's only your imagination Pastor Bloom.

Bloom: Doctor I beg you. I'd get on my knees if I could. Please, please take his horn out. Satans got his horn in my ass doctor. Please take it out!

Dr. Crow: Okay, let me have a little look at you. Roll over to one side please. That's it. Uh huh. Interesting. Very interesting.

Bloom: What's so damn interesting?

Dr. Crow: It‘s the nozzle from the enema bag.

Bloom: It's your damn Nurses fault.

Dr Crow: Here, I’ll remove it.

*Oma (Voice): (*Speaking through the intercom) Doctor Crow, what I observed is that he’s in a partial catatonic trance. He's developed a negative personality shift. And most importantly his mind is totally fixated.

Dr. Crow: Anyone with a nozzle from an enema bag up their ass would be fixated. Is that better Pastor Bloom?

Bloom: Ah-h-h-h-h!

*Oma: (*Speaking through the intercom) As you can see Bloom has calmed down a bit.

Dr. Crow: Yeah, I just pulled a plastic enema nozzle out of his ass.

*Oma: (*Intercom) I’m sensing that he’s over the initial shock of my first aborted entry and I’m going to start the healing process. While I’m doing that Dr. Crow would you please give that large crystal ball on your desk to Pastor Bloom. Om Ma Ah Hung . . .

John: I’ll get it.

Dorje: Little sparrow you are too anxious.

John: Why is it every time Oma appears you start call me by my nickname, ‘little sparrow?‘ I hate it when you call me "little sparrow. Oma can you tell Dorje to stop calling me ‘little sparrow"

Dorje: Doctor, would you be kind enough to bring me the crystal ball.

*Oma: (*Intercom) Dorje, you’ve never seem to listed to anything I've ever said. I asked Dr. Crow to give Bloom the crystal ball. Please hand it to Pastor Bloom doctor. Thank you doctor. Om Ma Ah Hung

John: Dorje always seem to have a little tension when Oma’s around. Some sort of teacher student complex.

Dorje: Little Sparrow your just a yahoo at heart, aren’t you?

*Oma: (*Intercom) Enough between the two of you. Little Sparrow, the Medicine Buddha mantra, now if you please! Om Ma Ah Hung

John: Dorje see what you’ve done you got Oma calling me 'little sparrow.’

*Oma: (*Intercom) John, I said NOW!

John: Shit. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI ·MAHA BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA. Always my fucking fault. TAYATA...

*Oma: (*Intercom) That’s it. Look at the nice crystal ball. Look how pretty it is. Yes, pretty pretty colors. Red, yellow and blue. Okay, it’s got his attention.

Dr. Crow: Oma, Pastor Bloom can hear you but he can’t see you, yes?

Dorje: No one can see Oma.

*Oma: (*Intercom) Absolutely not.

Bloom: The hell I can’t, you beady slant eyed heathen bastard from hell.

*Oma: (*Intercom) Well scratch that one.

Dorje: Had me fooled.

.*Oma: (*Intercom)) Wait a moment. I see I need to transfer my consciousness from Bloom into Dorje’s body. Stand by Dorje. Om Ma Ah Hung

Dr. Crow: Will someone tell me what's going on here?

John: Your not going to believe this one.

^Oma: (^Dorje's body briefly shakes. ^Oma Speaking with an affected voice through Dorje‘s body) Doctor first let me explain. Dorje and I are one in the same. From time to time I use his body to host my consciousness.

Dr. Crow: Host your consciousness?

John: I told you. Your not going to believe this one.

^Oma: (^Affected voice) Before my sad demise I had trained a triad of monks. Three monks had voluntarily vowed to respond to my entering their body and consciousness if there were any threats to Samsara. Before they die they too will train three disciples each..

Bloom: Hello! Hello out there! Can anyone hear me!

Dr. Crow: Its Okay Pastor Bloom. We can all hear you.

Bloom: That's what I was afraid of. I don't want another enema. I. You got that? I. I don't need another enema! I need to breathe! Christie tell them I don't need another damn enema. Any you! You beady eyed bastard who ever you are keep out of my head!

^Oma: (^Affected voice) Oops, sorry about that.

Bloom: I'm dead! Can't you bastards get that through your thick skull. A little respect for my poor dead rotting body that's all anyone can ask for. Now with all that's going on in my head I've forgotten how to breath! For God sake let the dead breath in peace.

^Oma: (^Performs a hand mudra. Affected voice. ) Feeling better now?

Bloom: Its Okay I can breath again. No Christine darling the enemas don't work.

^Oma: Yes sir, I have a little plan of action to deal with you Bloom old boy.

Dr. Crow: Oma can you just cut to the chase and explain what you intend to do. Short sentences please?

John: Tony will you stop trying to rush Oma.

^Oma: (^Affected voice) Little sparrow the mantra if you please.

John: Shit. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI ·MAHA BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI RANDZA SAMUNGATE SOHA

^Oma: (^Affected voice) Little sparrow,’ just chant the mantra

John: I know its just some sort of emotional hang up but I hate being called, ‘little sparrow.’

Dr. Crow: John , Oma said chant the mantra

Bloom: Pretty, pretty blue colors.

John: Yeah, blame it all on me. Shit it’s always my fault. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI ·MAHA BHEKANDZYAI . . . .

^Oma: (^Affected voice) Doctor you’ve heard of black holes in space.

Bloom: Yellow! Pretty, pretty yellow.

Dr. Crow: Yes, go on.

^ Oma: (^Affected voice) Wait a moment Dr. Crow. I think Pastor Bloom is distracted enough. I’m going to affect a transference of my consciousness into his little old pea picking brain. Hold on a sec doc . . . Yes sir, I’m just going to slip on in and sit right here in the happy right side of your little old brain Bloom boy. Om Ma Ah Hung.

Bloom: Doctor he's in my head again.

~Oma: (Blooms body briefly shakes ~Oma speaking through Bloom. Affected voice) A little hypothesis doctor. Little is know about EMWs. We do know for example that it emits a small but powerful wave of pure crystal like power. Recently American scientists have created a few molecules of anti EMW matter. These molecules are an exact mirror image of positive EMW matter.

Dr. Crow: Yeah, sure. Anyone can understand that. It’s all as clear as mud. I think I'm sorry I asked for an explanation. . .

Dorje: What Oma is saying is; if these two opposing molecules were to collide they’d destroy each other.

John: Dorje what are you getting at?

Dorje: Little sparrow, the mantra!

John: Shit. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI . . . .

Dorje: Where he to, pardon the expression, ‘switch off.’ His action would burst his large EMW balloon. A radical charge of anti-EMW matter would be freely released outward into space. As it quickly expands outward it absorbs other anti-EMW matter thus replicating and nourishing its force.

Dr. Crow: Can you just give me the short answer.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom. Affected Voice ) The anti matter would destroy all positive matter as well as itself.

Dr. Crow: Thank you.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) When we try to destroy something it simply changes form. You burn wood it becomes ash.

Dr. Crow: A six year old understands that.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) A collision between positive matter and anti matter that Pastor Bloom would release will eventually annihilate everything in its path and become the birthplace of the ultimate Black Hole of non existence.

John: The Mother of all Black Holes. M-theory! Yeah, yeah I know. Shit, I forgot. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI . . .

Dr. Crow: Exactly what is a Black Hole?

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom. ) In very simple terms. When a star implodes it sucks in all surrounding light and matter. It compacts matter into an extremely dense mass that light cannot escape from.

Dorje: Microcosm and Macrocosm are the extreme ends of the same string. They adhere to fundamental laws.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) The older Tibetan scriptures state that everything is based on a tunnel system of hole, formless and full , form. This can be observed in our own Microcosm as the tunnels, tubes, veins, arteries and holes that go throughout our body. These holes or tunnels are surrounded by the full of our meat.

John: When fathers little full with its hole in the end is attracted to mothers little hole, Bang! Out pops little Johnnie. Creation!

Dr. Crow: John you’re theory of creation is over simplistic and borders on heresy. The way you explain it one would come to the conclusion that creation is the evolutional birthplace of God and that man developed the concept of church and the separation of State.

John: (Cheshire smile and shrugs his shoulders) TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI . . .

Dr. Crow: Oma let me ask you a question. Do you believe in God?

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) First, I don’t believe in belief. Anyone can believe anything they want whether it’s true or not. As to God, I’ve been dead for over 20 years and must defer the question of the existence of intelligent design and God for the theologians to argue about.

John: They’re still out to lunch on that one.

Dr. Crow: John I remind you as a Christian there was a time not so long ago when the clergy would have put you to the fire test for such words.

John: Back then during the inquisition I wonder how many of those Priests were paedophiles.

Dr. Crow: John, I don’t know what you agenda is. I do know that your Catholic bashing demeans you and what you say you represent.

John: My, my we’re a little itsybitsy testy touchy aren’t we. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI . . . .

Dorje: Gentlemen, what is important here is that Pastor Bloom’s action will destroy the entire positive and negative including the forces of gravity, nothing will ever exist again.

Dr. Crow: That I can understand. Yes, Pastor Bloom must be stopped!

John: Bloom will destroy everything! No earth, no sun, no stars, the end of war, terrorism and famine.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom. Affected voice) Yes and there’d be no need to save mankind from their evil devices.

John: No need to feed the starving little children in Africa. There’d be no fuel shortage or global warming to worry about.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) The economics of his actions will destroy free trade and our democratic system. We would be denied the god given right to learn from our mistakes.

John: Peace and the hope of a pure land all irrevocably evaporated. Everything gone! TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI MAHA . . .

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom. Affected voice) He must be stopped! He must not be allowed to destroy the very foundation of all creation. I will not let mankind be condemned to destruction by the out of control actions of one Pastor Bloom. You, I, all of us will be out of work!

Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Dr. Crow its time for Pastor Bloom’s afternoon enema.

Bloom: (Bloom as Bloom) No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o not another enema! Christie help me. God help me!!  I don’t want another god damn enema!

Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Thank you Nurse Anna. We’ll be through in a few minutes.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) We do have a small window of opportunity. We will affect transference of his EMW and trap its negative energy in that crystal ball.

Dr. Crow: The shock of separation should be enough to re-stimulate the functions of both the right and left side of his brain.

Bloom: Stop with the god damn enemas!! 

Dr. Crow:  Calm down Pastor.  I guarantee no more enema for now.

Dorje: Yes we will restore him to the state he was in before he suffered his stroke.and bowel blockage.

John: How?

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) By prayer, mantra, 'little sparrow' chant.

John: I really hate it when you call me, ‘little sparrow.’

Dorje: Little sparrow start chanting.

John: Shit. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI . . .

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom Affected voice) We must call on the mantra prayer of Ultimate Mercy. The mantra to the soul of the living dead! Doctor Crow I’m gonna lock his eternal anti soul into that crystal ball and then have Dorje here disperse its power into the mother of life. The majestic Atlantic Ocean.

Dr. Crow: Gentlemen, you realize if anyone found out what we were up to, well, we’d all wind up being fitted for a straight jacket.

John: Oma, what can I do to help?

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) Little sparrow I need two pounds of sea salt.

John: Little sparrow this. Little sparrow that. When is it all going to end?

Dorje: Always a little tension between teacher and student, huh?

Dr. Crow: Its OK Oma I’ll get us the salt. John you just keep chanting the mantra.

John: Shit. TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYAI BHEKANDZYAI MAHA . . .

Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Nurse Anna can you call Ernie and have him send over two pounds of salt. Oh, and tell him to please hurry.

John: Dorje can I ask you something without you calling me 'Little Sparrow'?

Dorje: Sure. Ask away ‘Little Sparrow.’

John: Never let up, do you. What are we planning to do with the salt? TAYATA OM BHEKANDZYA BHEKANDZYAI . . .

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) After the electro magnetic wave is securely seated in the crystal ball I’m going to bury it in salt. Simple salt crystals will then draw the electro magnetic wave back out and distribute its force evenly among all the salt crystals. Any other questions?

Dr. Crow: I have one. Given that this wave may or may not be possessed of a collective consciousness, how is it that it chooses this particular time to manifest itself?

Dorje: Religion!!

Dr. Crow: Religion?

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) It seems I have to explain everything. Always the dead has to explain the reason for its own existence. A religious society accepts and follows an exemplary way of life. It is the way that one gives their devotion to the Being of all creation. Established religion on the other hand is the anti-Christ cloaked as a lamb among the masses. Satan found his way to unite us in one against the other in the name of each others religion and God.

Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Dr. Crow, Ernie's on the phone and wants to know what kind of salt you want.

Dr. Crow: (Intercom) Oh for god’s sake! I always have to do everything around here myself. Put him through. (Picks up telephone) Ernie? Ernie can’t you get it through your thick skull all I want is two pounds of salt. (PAUSE) You’ve got eight kinds of salt. Ernie, I’m trying to combat the forces of evil. Satans’ Armageddon , his apocalypse, the destruction and end of the world is about to happen and all I need is two lousy pounds of salt . . . No, it’s not the hormones I’m taking! . . . Damn it I am calm! . . . No I don’t want veggie salt! . . . Celery salt? Just plain sea salt . . . You don’t use that in the restaurant. Well go out and buy some! . . . No, I’m not upset! . . . Ernie I do understand you’ve got a party of eight hungry customers waiting. Yes, thank you. Love you too. (Hangs up telephone) Why? Why is it that the little things in life are the most difficult?

John: Satan moves in the shape of shadows in our mind.

Dr. Crow: 'Little Sparrow' the great theological philosopher.

John: Now my brother is calling me ‘little sparrow’

Bloom: (Speaking to John) See! (Holding crystal ball towards John) See the pretty colors.

John: Will you please shut up Bloom.

Dr. Crow: JOHN! For gods sake don’t encourage him.

John: Isn’t there anything we can do to shut him up?

Dorje: ‘Sparrow,’ we need an electrical hot plate and a large pot.

John: Now I’ve been relegated to ‘Sparrow.’ Shit!!

Dr. Crow: I have a pot and electrical hot plate in the cabinet over there.

John: My brother heats honey in that pot as one of several ingredient he uses to mummify dead things.

Dr. Crow: Call it a religious artistic expression.

John: Good old brother Tony here refused to mummify our mother according to family age old tradition. No, he goes and gives her an air burial. Cuts her body up into little peaces, pounds her bones with a rock pestle and feeds her to the vultures.

Dorje: I saw the movie they made of that. The movie ends with the vultures flying off into the sunset. The actors trembling voice can be heard, ‘Mother you’re free!’ Old women in the audience broke down sobbing. Then this small boy in the back row of the theatre yelled out, 'And an hour later she was bird shit on the rocks.’ Laughed so hard I pissed my pants.

Dr. Crow: That’s not funny.

John: (Bends over with laughter)

Dr. Crow: That’s enough!

John: A little twinge of guilt, huh?

Dorje: Little sparrow your little birdie-phobia just got exposed.

Ernie: (Enters panting) I ran all the way! What’s so urgent? (Gives salt to Dr. Crow)

Dorje: John put the salt in the pot and heat it up.

Ernie: That’s a new one, hot potted salt.

John: Obviously, heat speeds up the movement of the molecules in the salt.

Dr. Crow: I get it. The molecules movement caused by heat charges the salt crystals.

~Oma: (~Om as Bloom.) Once the salt crystals are charged ’little sparrow’ will bury the crystal ball in the salt and Mother Nature will do the rest.

Ernie: What’s going here? First you guys want hot salt and then your talking about molecules.

Bloom: Orange! I don’t like orange! I hate orange!

Dorje: I’m afraid we don’t have any time to waste.

Ernie: Too, too much male testosterone around here for me here for me. I got eight customers waiting back at the Deli. (Pecks Dr. Crow on the cheek) See you at home.. (Exits)

Dr. Crow: What happens next?

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom.) We must intone the prayer mantra of ultimate mercy and salvation, (High pitched with long vowel) Hrii! We need to duplicate this sound to entrap the EMW in the crystal.

Dorje: On the count of three everyone sing out Hrii! While we’re doing that I’ll affect hand mudras that will draw the wave into the crystal ball. Are you ready?

Dr. Crow: Hell, I'll give it a try once. Go ahead.

Dorje: One . . .

Nurse Anna: (Intercom) Dr. Crow, it’s really past time for Pastor Bloom’s enema.

Bloom: No o o o o!! God have mercy on my soul. Not another enema!

Dorje: Two . . .

Dr. Crow: I wonder if Houdini had problems like this.

Dorje: Three! Hrii!

John: Hrii!

Dr. Crow: Hrii!

(Bloom’s body begins shaking)

Dorje: (Dorje makes a hand mudra and then grabs the crystal ball) There we got-yah! John take the crystal and bury it in the salt.

~Oma: (~Oma as Bloom. ) My jobs done and the illusions of Samsara lives on for yet another day. I’m out of here. See you all next time. Bye, bye!

Dr. Crow: I don’t really believe I let myself be part of all this madness.

Bloom: (Gets out of wheelchair) Sweet Jesus save me from you three heathens from hell and all of your sick formless henchmen. Christie come on we’re getting out of here before I begin hearing any more voices in my head. (Begins to exit, turns to face Dr. Crow) Fifty two forced enemas!! My ass may be sore but when I get through suing your ass in court your ass is going to need massive plastic surgery! (Exits)

Dr. Crow: (Calling after Bloom) Wait until you get my bill, you old goat! He won’t stop shitting his pants for a month of Sundays!




                                     THE END
             
                                                              Catacomb of Cappuccni





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