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playwright_bo
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 11:56 pm |
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THE GARBAGE BEAR A Juneau Night Live Sketch by Bo Anderson © Bo-O-Rama, Inc.
CHARACTERS: Tim- Hippie Bear Photographer
Bear- Man in cheap/lame bear costume
Cop- An officer of JPD
(Tim the hippie bear photographer is in the middle of Down Town Juneau)
Tim: I'm here in the middle of absolutely no where. This remote location is only accessibly by boat or by plane. Technically we are standing in on 2nd street and Seward in Juneau Alaska, technically the state capital, but as you can clearly see we are surrounded by extremely remote wilderness, there's absolutely nothing for miles and miles. The nearest Burger King for eample is over 400 miles away!!! I've come to this remote wilderness to check out the unique species… THE GARBAGE BEAR. They say that these rare bears are extremely intelligent and really dangerous. If you see one you should most likely steer clear, but we hope to find one and have a closer look!
(Bear walks behind Tim and starts eating from a trash can)
Tim: Oh, my gosh, oh my gosh, there's one right there. Right now. Sitting not 20 feet from me. It's amazing. It's so beautiful. Look how clever the bear is. He's figured out that eating food that people have thrown away is much easier than hunting and foraging for himself. Looks like he's found himself a half eaten burrito in that rubbish bin, let's see if we can get in closer. Now, for the people at home, I can't stress this enough, do not do this. It's really not safe. I've studied the body language of bears for years, and this is extremely dangerous even for me.
(Tim steels burrito from Bear)
Bear: Hey, man, that's mine give it back dude.
Tim: Just what I thought, it looks like a super burrito from one of the many delicious restaurants located in this area. Look, you can still make out the ingredients-
Bear: -Dude, seriously give me the burrito, its mine.
Tim: Looks like, rice, beans, and here we can clearly make out an avocado slice, and tomatoes-
Bear: Give it back dude, I don't want to have to come over there.
Tim: The sour cream still smells good, and it looks like a homemade salsa, it looks really delicious. In an attempt to really understand the Garbage Bear I'm going to try and eat this burrito.
(Tim starts eating burrito)
Tim: Mmm… this is so delicious!
Bear: Dude, don't eat my burrito! That's it-
(Bear stands up and tries to take burrito back, the two wrestle like little kids rolling around on the ground, punching, kicking and pulling hair)
Tim: Help! Help! Somebody help me!
(Bear gets burrito, sits on Tim, and eats burrito)
Tim: Get off me, get off me!!! Help!!!
Cop: (can of mace out) Put the burrito down and step away from the hippie, or I will mace you.
Bear: Damn, it's the Po-po, man this is #BLEEP#!!!
Cop: Get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back. Now, do it now! Hands behind your back do it now! Are you all right sir?
Tim: Yeah, I'm fine, thank you officer.
(Cop Handcuffs Bear while he is lying face down on the pavement)
Bear: Ow, man that hurts, man I didn't do anything. He took my burrito, it was mine, I found it.
Cop: Is this true?
Bear: Of course it’s true.
Cop: Do you want me to mace you?
Bear: No, man, no.
Cop: Then please calm down or I will mace you right in the face.
Bear: Dude, I’m calm!
Cop: I don’t really like your attitude, you are pushing my buttons in all of the wrong
ways and in about 2 seconds I am about to push this button right here on this can of mace. Do you see the button?
Bear: Yeah, I see the button.
Cop: This button is your one way ticket to a world of pain. Imagine a whole world full of hurt and pain and you are the only one there. No one will hear your cries of pain and fear because you are all alone in a world of hurt, a whole world just for you. Is that what you want?
Bear: No.
Cop: Then I need you to calm down right now!
Bear: I’m calm, dude, I’m calm! I’m calmer than you are.
Cop: Can you please tell me what happened here sir?
Tim: I don’t know what happened exactly, he just came after me.
Cop: I thought so, these garbage bears are unpredictable at best. You’re lucky you’re still alive.
Bear: But I didn’t do anything man, the burrito was lying in a dumpster man. What the hell?
Cop: Right now I am this close, this close, to mace-ing you. Keep pushing me see what happens.
Bear: Police brutality, POLICE BRUTALITY!!!
Cop: Shut up!
Bear: You can’t tell me to shut up, I know my rights man. This is because I’m a black bear isn't it, isn't it? If I was a grizzly you people would show me some respect, and if I was a Polar Bear! If I was a POLAR BEAR you people would be protecting me. I wouldn't have to put up with this! I thought we were past all this, but no. What a bunch of bull man!
(Cop escorts Bear away)
Tim: Wow that was amazing! We just survived our first encounter with the elusive Garbage Bear. Not many people can say that can they? Garbage Bears are beautiful creatures. They deserve our respect and protection.
(Tim finds last bit of burrito and resumes eating it)
PART 2
Later that day…
Tim: Wow. That was a really close encounter we just had with a black bear, I was never really afraid. I think I had the situation completely under control at all times. But in an effort to be more prepared should a similar encounter occur again, I have purchased some BEAR REPELENT. You can buy bear repellent at any outdoor/adventure store that’s worth its salt. This costs about 30 bucks, and given the right circumstances, it is worth its weight in gold. It basically works on the fact that bears have an acute sense of smell that is several times more potent than yours or mine. To properly use the repellent, first you have to take off the (Tim grunts)… the safety clip (grunts)… Boy it’s really on there! (grunts) How the hell? What am I supposed to do with this?
Bear: I think you push down and then pull on the tab and then it should slide out easily.
Tim: That’s what I am doing!
Bear: No, you’re pulling and then pushing the tab.
Tim: What, no! This thing is broken!
Bear: No, it’s not, its fine. I can take it off.
Tim: Yeah, fine, if you can that would be great.
Bear: Now, see how I push down and then pull and now it is sliding out.
Tim: Oh, ok, yeah, that’s it.
Bear: Now what do I do?
Tim: Well, let’s say that you are being attacked by a bear.
Bear: Me? Why would a bear attack me?
Tim: Well, I don’t know, maybe you got between a momma bear and her cubs.
Bear: That’s a pretty stupid thing to do, I don’t think that would ever happen to me.
Tim: Ok, so then, so you are just walking through the woods minding your own business then POW there’s a black bear right in front of you.
Bear: Ok, ok, I’ll buy it. Then what?
Tim: Well you’re both scared see, so the bear just wants to check you out so he stands up on his hind legs.
Bear: On his hind legs? What does that look like?
Tim: Well, he’d probably just stand up as tall as he could to get a better look at you and maybe try and smell you a little better.
Bear: Ok, so that’s what the bear’s doing, then what?
Tim: Then the bear rushes you!
Bear: He rushes me?
Tim: Well yeah, he comes down off his hind legs like this, and run after you on all fours.
Bear: Why, why would a bear do that, do you think?
Tim: Well, maybe he’s very territorial and you accidentally stumbled into his territory.
Bear: So by charging me, the bear’s really just trying to protect what’s his.
Tim: Yeah.
Bear: So, in a way, I’m the aggressor for walking up into his business and the bear is really just defending his property.
Tim: Yeah, sort of.
Bear: And that’s when I mace him?
Tim: Yeah you spray him right in the face when he’s about 15ft away from you.
Bear: Ok, let’s try it, you be the bear. Stand over there, and get down on all fours like an animal. (Tim does) Now growl like a bear.
Tim: Grrrr.
Bear: Louder I can’t hear you, you must be a wimpy bear. I’m not scared at all.
Tim: GRRRR!!!
Bear: Better but I still need more if I am going to believe it.
Tim: GROWL, GROWL, GRR, GRRR!!!
Bear: Ok, now charge me.
(Tim acts like a bear charging Bear. When he gets close Bear maces Tim right in the face. Tim screams in pain. Bear repeatedly maces Tim until the spray can is empty. Bear then throws the canister at Tim.)
Bear: Aren’t I a stinker?
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Michaeltw721
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Posted: Mon May 19th, 2008 07:10 pm |
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| I think it's a curious premise. It's clear you are writing for comedy, but I think it needs more of an arch/substantial story. Right now it comes across more as a sketch as opposed to a one act.
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emjaydee
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 07:39 pm |
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Bo, who is your audience? Put yourself in the place of directors looking for a short comedy--why this? Clearly you intend this as a comedy, but what does one come away with? Arguably you might be making some social commentary about race relations, if so, the treatment is so thin your audience isn't given much to think about beyond the obvious mistreatment of a black bear and the protected polar bear. A good place to start on a sketch like this is to ask yourself, "What point do I want to make?" "Am I saying anything new?" "Is what I am saying being said in a fresh and original way?"
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playwright_bo
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 08:38 pm |
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This is a sketch whose intended audience is the citizens of Alaska. I have created a SNL like group, that wants to be heavy on local issues, that plans to get our sketch comedy broadcast over public broadcast channels.
It is not meant to be heavy on social commentary, just a simple laugh. I was just hoping for feedback from people outside my circle of friends, and I guess I've gotten that, so thanks.
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emjaydee
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 10:05 pm |
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Good, you have an audience in mind. (SNL for Alaska)
Now, back to the point of the piece. What are you satirizing? Recent disputed reports over the future of Polar Bears? Something about the Palin administration? Department of Wildlife regs? Something about Law Enforcement practices? Even though your audience is Alaskan and the subject matter is about Alaska, the sketch is not automatically funny. Personally, I feel the sketch needs to be pared down to a single scene, a lot of the dialogue excised, and the point sharpened.
I admire you for putting yourself out there. Hopefully you appreciate my observations are intended to be constructive, not personal.
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playwright_bo
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Posted: Sun May 25th, 2008 12:16 am |
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I guess there is just a lot of local humor in this one...
Tim=Timothy Treadwell=The Grzily bear man=an idiot who got eaten by a bear
Garbage bears are a public threat in SE Alaska. Garbage bears eat human trash, become unaffraid of humans and then have to either be shot and killed or darted and transported via helicopter out of town where they will eventually find they way back into town to eat more garbage. The city of Juneau has passed laws that if you leave your garbage out before garbage pick up day you get slapped with hundereds of dollars in fines. There are constant radio adds about "Make sure to keep your garbage in a bear safe container before garbage day"
Now me telling you this doesnt make anything any funnier. I was mostly hoping to see if it is still funny not knowing everything about these issues. Maybe not. Thanks for your imput.
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Nate88
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Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 02:20 am |
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Garbage bears are a public threat in SE Alaska.
Being from the U.K i found that statement halarious!!
never even considered it before unless I would of watched or read something about it and even then found it completely absurd.
I think it will easily work in a sketch comedy enviroment. S'not bad.
I do prefer other stuff you have written before but thats probably because im more educated on that than Bear Attacks.
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