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Jude Bresnan
Member
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Posted: Wed May 28th, 2008 03:33 am |
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| THIS WORK HAS BEEN REMOVED BY THE AUTHOR. Last edited on Mon Aug 18th, 2008 05:20 am by Jude Bresnan
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Steamboat Chambers
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 03:30 am |
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| Did you pluck the title from a Dylan song, say "Ballad of a Thin Man"?
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Jude Bresnan
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 04:08 am |
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| ...I dont think so. I never really realized the connection. Great song though.
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Steamboat Chambers
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 8th, 2008 03:15 am |
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Okay, so my initial comment was going to be, "where does the audience get a sense of this guys condition, the split personality thing," however, that was before I finished reading it. Dave's deceiving his close friend to fall to, what I assume is his death, down a flight of stairs def. cements the villainy and conflict within him. Up until then, I ws thinking that the way he dealt with the dead body and the panic he felt may very well be a natural human response to something very unnatural and ghastly. Well done. I enjoyed it. There's a bit of extraneous dialogue between the pair and you may be able to trim Dave's recounts of the events of the night, but it's totally up to you. Your stage directions need help, so do mine whenever I try to write something, I'm awful and see my own mistakes in what you've down. The opening description is over-wrought and too prescriptive. Some of the things you explain, such as, "audience waits," is 100 percent redundant given the context of any play. You have some positive examples of what I consider nice directions--but remember I'm no expert and probably shouldn't be directing you on giving directions. What I thought was nice is the direction you slid in here: VOICE: (more annoyed than desperate.) Dave! Dave! Are you there? (knocks harder.) Dave! Your direction in this instance qualifies what, to someone reading the script, would just look like shouting or yelling. Like the line about the boss driving his big, fat SUV and not being able to shut his big, fat mouth--thought it was sharp! The play def. goes somewhere, from just this guy who somehow flubbed up to the revelation that yes, he's crazy. I'd be curious to read the next installment and find out what Dave does with Jerry's body. Maybe he turns very Poe and hides it beneath the floorboards? Keep on keeping on...
Cheers,
SC
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stagewriter
Member
| Joined: | Fri Aug 15th, 2008 |
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| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: Sat Aug 16th, 2008 01:00 am |
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Now I know it's a tough deal and it hurts but
you're going to have to edit this. In simple terms
that means going through and asking yourself do
I need that sentence or not? It can help a lot to get
some else to read it through with you. You'll get at
least a sense of what works and what doesn't.
Cut down on the stage directions. Directors don't like
lengthy descriptions these days.
That said there's real promise here and the piece is
worth developing.
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