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Celsun
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Posted: Sat Jun 28th, 2008 10:39 am |
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SCENE TWO
No time has lapsed. ROGELIO sits back down, looked defeated already. He’s expecting what is sure to come, but doesn’t know how to handle it. KARINA has become stronger with anger, which she has under control for now.
ROGELIO
Of course you have questions, Karina. Maybe we should leave them for after the party, when we have time.
KARINA
We have some time right now. We have time for a few questions. How about this: Why did you come here?
GABRIEL has wandered off to the right of the stage, watching this, not saying a word.
ROGELIO
It’s hard to explain…
KARINA
Hard to explain?
ROGELIO
Hard to talk about.
KARINA
Maybe it’s not supposed to be easy, you know?
RITA
(to Karina) Are you alright?
KARINA
I’m fine. I’m…not alright, but it doesn’t matter.
RITA
We have to leave soon.
KARINA
(to Rogelio) I’m just trying to figure out why you came here. It’s not because you always wanted to.
ROGELIO
I always wanted to.
KARINA
Bullshit!
RITA
Karina!
ROGELIO
(to Karina) I was going to tell her, eventually.
KARINA
When?
ROGELIO
After we…(thinking)
KARINA
Got married? You’re not even divorced from Mom.
ROGELIO
I’ve come here to make things right, Karina.
KARINA
That’s what you’re supposed to say. Why did you really come?
ROGELIO
I don’t know what you mean.
KARINA
Tell me!
RITA
Karina. Calm down.
KARINA
I’m calm. This is calm. I’m not punching or kicking or throwing things. I’m just asking questions. (getting teary. To Rogelio) The lady you’ve been seeing for years never even hears about us, and when she does, suddenly you’re here.
RITA
Honey, you’re getting all upset.
KARINA
(to Rita) I’m supposed to get upset. (to everyone) This is how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know what is going on, why my father is here, what’s going to happen, what kind of family I got, and what kind of party this is going to be. But I’m feeling and acting exactly like I’m supposed to. I know that. (to Rogelio) I want to know why you came.
ROGELIO doesn’t say anything. RITA and KARINA look at him. GABRIEL, who has since sat down on the wooden chair speaks up.
GABRIEL
(talking to Karina but looking at Rogelio) He wasn’t expecting you to find his address and contact him. When you did, Isabelle was informed. He had to come clean. He told Isabelle about us because he had to. She’s a nice person, it seems, a good person, and she expects goodness from the man she loves, the man she’s been trying to marry. She wanted him to come here and do what’s right.
RITA
(to Karina) And the marriage, of course. Maybe it’s just something he’s been telling her, that they’ll get married, but if it’s true than he needs a divorce from me. (to Rogelio) you would do good to marry her. She seems like she has money.
GABRIEL
Did she buy you that Rolex?
ROGELIO doesn’t answer.
RITA
(to Karina) He would do good to marry that woman. He’s getting too old to live off of his good looks and charms. That runs out eventually.
ROGELIO
(after a long pause) I’m so sorry.
GABRIEL
Sorry you’ve been found out.
ROGELIO
No, I’m sorry for…everything.
KARINA
What are you sorry for?
ROGELIO
Everything.
KARINA
Name one thing you are sorry for.
ROGELIO
I don’t know what you mean.
KARINA
If you’re sorry about everything, you can name one thing you are sorry about.
ROGELIO
I’m sorry for…leaving. It’s not easy to…
KARINA
Are you sorry that you didn’t see me win? My red ribbon. I got a red ribbon.
ROGELIO
You’re what?
KARINA
(getting teary) With the number “2” on it. It’s a stupid red ribbon with a number “2” on it.
ROGELIO
I’m sorry, I don’t know…
KARINA
And when I broke my wrist?
ROGELIO
You broke your wrist?
KARINA
When I was eight I broke my wrist during recess. I fell while playing tag and some fat girl stepped on my wrist. I was so scared in the hospital, with only the recess lady with me, and the big scary hospital room with the big bright lights. The doctor said, “Don’t worry, your mommy and daddy will be here soon.” I actually thought you would come. I mean, I was scared, not thinking right, and the doctor said you’d come. He said you were coming. You were supposed to come.
ROGELIO
You have a right to be upset.
KARINA
I want my invitation. Hand it over. (he does. She takes it and rips it, sets it on the table. She walks to the front door and opens it) Get out of our house.
ROGELIO
(gets up) I’m so sorry Karina.
KARINA
Just get out. I want you out. I don’t even want to look at you. You’re….odious.
ROGELIO
I’m what?
RITA
Look it up.
KARINA
Get out. I’m telling you to get out. I’m the lady of the house, the other lady, and I want you out.
ROGELIO
(walks out) I’m really sorry.
SCENE THREE
KARINA closes the door and locks it. RITA goes to hug her and they embrace for a while. Meanwhile, Gabriel walks over to the sofa and sits down in the middle of it, sort of plops down, as if tired. He remains thinking. He looks sad.
KARINA
(breaking free from the hug, to Rita) I’ll be fine. I’ve cried for him… No, not today. Not on the day of my celebration.
RITA
You’ll be fine, honey.
KARINA and RITA notice GABRIEL sitting on the sofa. They’ve never seen him like this before and are worried. KARINA is surprised, but RITA not so much. They go and sit on opposite sides of him.
KARINA
(puts a hand on his shoulder) What’s wrong? Gabriel, are you okay?
RITA
He’ll be alright.
GABRIEL pinches the top of his nose, to stop the tears.
KARINA
He’s gone now, Gabriel. You always hated him and now he’s gone.
GABRIEL
It wasn’t…that. It was something else.
RITA
(to Gabriel) You needed him and he wasn’t around and you were angry at him for that.
GABRIEL
I needed him. I don’t know why I did. I don’t know…
RITA
You needed your father very much. We all did, but you needed him more. When we lost him, we became lost ourselves. But you, the boy, became the most lost.
Throughout the following, RITA and KARINA and GABRIEL are talking to each other, but, more importantly, they are telling themselves things. They don’t look at each other but straight ahead, as if looking in a mirror.
GABRIEL
I needed him.
RITA
Me too.
GABRIEL
He left us.
KARINA
He’s an asshole.
RITA
(after a very long pause) The day we met, Rogelio and I, he made my cousin and I laugh. I remember the funny things he said as he walked us home, carrying his umbrella.
KARINA
You remember?
RITA
I was terribly shy and neither my cousin and I did much talking so he kept making us laugh.
KARINA
What are you saying, Mom?
RITA
That’s all I’m saying. He was a great guy when I met him. I remember everything. I loved him and he made me very happy. I remember it too well. I’ve been thinking of it ever since he left. (pause) But no more.
They remain in a daze, staring ahead at nothing.
SCENE FOUR
FAY walks in looking nice in a party dress and heels. She’s excited and ready to go.
FAY
I put them in a cab and they’re gone.
KARINA
You look great, FAY.
RITA
Very pretty.
GABRIEL
Yeah, you look great.
FAY
Y’all do, too. (to Karina) Especially you. My goodness. (she offers her hand to Karina and helps her get up, then gives Karina a twirl) Look at you. Breathtaking.
KARINA
(smiling now) Thanks.
FAY
(looks at Gabriel on the sofa) Are you okay there? They told me they weren’t going to the party. Is everything alright?
GABRIEL
Just fine. Karina just revoked their invitation.
KARINA
(to Fay) He’s not invited. That’s the short version.
FAY
Hey, it’s none of my business. I wasn’t trying to pry. Looks like some family drama.
RITA
It is. And you’re just in time, Fay. You’re family.
GABRIEL
That’s right. We don’t want to bore you with that stuff. He’s a liar, he’s a phony. He’s not invited.
FAY
Okay. (to everyone) So what’s up? We ready?
GABRIEL looks at his watch, RITA nods and KARINA just stands up and waits for the others to stand. They aren’t as excited as they should be on this supposedly happy day. Because FAY is the only one not emotionally exhausted from what happened, she becomes the strongest. She acts as the leader of the family.
FAY
Okay, here we go. So it’s just me and my kids in my car. All three of you together, but don’t drive too fast, Gabriel, I don’t know how to get there and I’m following. Come on, Gabriel. Up up.
GABRIEL
Yes. (he stands up and Rita stands up)
.
FAY
(to Gabriel) You okay?
GABRIEL
I’m fine.
FAY
Stand up straight, honey. Come on, Rita. Let’s get going. Everybody. (she goes to the door and opens it) We got a party to got to. (to Rita) Are there gonna be any single men there?
RITA
(as Gabriel gets his keys) I don’t know. At least one, according to Karina.
KARINA
There will be a few single men, I’m sure.
FAY
Good. I want to dance come salsa.
GABRIEL
You know how to dance salsa?
FAY
No, but I’ll learn. (she does a quick dance move, very exaggerated and funny, that resembles salsa) That’s a sexy dance y’all got. Caribbean stuff. Caliente. (they all laugh)
Some man needs to teach me how to dance that stuff, I don’t care if he habla ingles or not.
FAY holds the door open as they go out, one by one, GABRIEL talking about the streets he will be taking and FAY reminding him to drive slowly. They continue t=talking until everybody is out and FAY closes the door behind her. The curtain falls.
THE END
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spiny norman
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Posted: Tue Jul 1st, 2008 09:37 pm |
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i liked your piece & thought it was pretty well crafted. here are some thoughts.
i don't think you have to designate a new scene when no time passes. when nothing changes & no time passes, why do you feel the need to tell us that there is a new scene?
can you make the play more puerto rican? what i mean to say is that this story could take place in any religion/culture - it could be about a bar mitzvah, a confirmation, a sweet 16, etc. can you make the situation more closely tied to what makes the quince a special event?
i kept waiting to meet the aunt. she is mentioned so much that i thought she was going to be an important element in the story but she never shows up. perhaps she is simply being used as a tool or a mirror - in talking about her, we learn about the people discussing her. in that case, i would think you could make her dead or unable to attend & the talk about her would be what she would have made of things. by talking about her as someone expected, i expected her. unless she's like godot? : )
the story seemed a bit straight forward. father shows up, raises hopes (in 1 of 3 characters), dashes hopes, family turns him out. i never bought that the father really wanted to become part of the family's life again - i expected that things were not going to turn out well with him b/c he left the first time. can you make things a bit more complicated? can the mother & son feel more torn? as it is, they expect the father to be a jerk & he is. only the daughter hopes he is a good guy & things will turn out ok. there's not much drama in having the exact outcome that 2 out of 3 characters expect.
i never got the feeling that finances were that tight. for all the talk about expenses, it seems that everything could be paid for. i was waiting for a talk between the mom & the son (keeping it from the daughter. of course) about how this was really going to set them back - taking out a loan from a bank or a loan shark, spending all the savings accrued over many years, etc.
so, just my thoughts. hope they help!
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Celsun
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 11:41 am |
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Thanks for the critique. I agree with everything. Even with making the play more Puerto Rican, even though I don't want to write something stereotypically Puerto Rican, which is what Hollywood tends to do. This family I write about is typically American poor. As such, the characer David, for example, has a lot more in common with a broke-ass college kid and with a traler park redneck than with Ricky Martin.
I expected the aunt, too. I don't know why she didn't arrive. It didn't feel right to have her arrive, once I reached the end of the play, which probably means I have to go back to the beginning and figure out why.
You said that the father, with his arrival, raises the hopes of one out of three characters. That certainly was not my intention. I tried to show that the mother was merely acting as if she didn't care, that she has been waiting for the father to show up as much as Karina has. I tried to show that she has tried to make herself forget Rogelio but can't. I'll re-read the play with your comment in mind. Good catch.
I appreciate your feedback. It's exactly the sort of thing I need, red marks all over my play. I want to improve it.
Thanks again.
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spiny norman
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 11:06 pm |
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take what i say with a large bag of salt ; ) as i mostly write kids' plays so i tend to not appreciate subtlety.
some final thoughts -
i thought your dialog was good. i liked the lamp bit. i liked the neighbor.
maybe there could be more dissention within the family. they seem to get along so well. maybe the son is jealous? when is his "big day?" maybe the daughter isn't excited about the whole thing? "here in america the big birthday is 16, not 15, etc." maybe there is fear that not many people will come? (the daughter doesn't have many friends - how embarrasing if only a few show up) maybe the mother is afraid that now her daughter is a "woman" she's going to run off & have sex? (has maybe found a note suggesting this?) maybe the girl wants more than they can afford?
i once saw a documentary about quinces & there seemed to be a lot of other things going on that you might mention to make it stand out from the usual "birthday" bashes & religious celebrations - the "court," the ritual presentations, the dances, etc?
i agree you don't want to turn it into a "west side story" depiction of pr's but some more cultural background would make the story stand out more. the plot has been done before (estranged family member returns during important event) so the strong parts of this story could be the culture & maybe some plot twists. once the new fiancee arrives, we pretty much know how it's going to end (i liked the fiancee, btw). so could there be some twists before that? maybe the father has lots of $$ - bribing family members? promising to take daughter to nyc? (of course, the $$ turns out to be the fiancee's). maybe the neighbor sees the father with the fiancee before he introduces her so there is a mystery about who she is & maybe things aren't going to turn out the way the daughter wants?
i didn't get that the mother was happy to see the dad again & had been hoping for his return. i know she has kept the bear but she put up such a good front, she fooled me! maybe bring down her shields a little?
happy rewriting!
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Celsun
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Posted: Sat Jul 5th, 2008 06:01 pm |
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I feel the need to comment again, in order to milk your reading for all I can and take advantage of your goodwill.
Once again I have to disregard what I wrote, for a moment, and talk about the story I had in my head which didn’t reach the page clearly (or at all). In my mind, Gabriel is jealous. He’s very jealous of the father. He’s always wanted to be with his father (as we learn in the end) but Gabriel is grown up when Rogelio finally shows up, and he’s showing up on the day when Gabriel is supposed to shine. You see, Gabriel considers himself the man of the house, and the females do, too (this is mentioned in the play). As the man of the house, it’s as much his day as it is Karina’s day because he is proving that he can give her a party (usually the father’s responsibility). Much like a traditional wedding, the bride is admired for being the focal point, the reason for the event (plus she chooses every detail of the ceremony and reception), but the father admires himself (and is admired by others) for his capacity to afford the grand celebration, a symbol of his love for his daughter and also a symbol of his status. This is Gabriel’s big day.
Gabriel has slid into the role of the father, both to help with the household (an obvious necessity) but also to help him deal with not having one. As the “man of the house” he doesn’t need a father.
One more thing: I want the family members to be fooled by Rogelio. I want them to believe he is coming back into their lives and is full of remorse. I want Gabriel to sincerely agree to give Rogelio a second chance (when Gabriel returns at the end). If you have any suggestions on this sort of thing, please let me know.
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Basso
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Posted: Sun Jul 6th, 2008 02:09 am |
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You have already identified what you want to convey to the audience, so you don't need more pointers, just a rewrite.
I read the final act and found it, as spiny said, to be derivative. That's fine, there really aren't any new stories, just new ways to tell them. Your dialogue is fine if everyone just smoked a big doobie, but if you want us to care then we need to feel things, which have festered for a long time, coming to the fore with force.
Great start.
Basso
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Celsun
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Posted: Sun Jul 6th, 2008 08:11 pm |
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Thanks for reading the last act. That's what gave me the most trouble, and the main reason why I wanted to offer the play for critique.
The denouement can sometimes just be a graceful exit, the climax pointing to where to go next, but in this play all these loose ends have to be tied, which might be something I have to go and fix in the first few acts.
Anyway, thanks again. Your thoughts are appreciated.
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spiny norman
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Posted: Mon Jul 7th, 2008 02:36 am |
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hi again!
i guess it's just a question of working harder to insure that you're conveying everything you want to the audience. when you create something, it's very clear to you but it doesn't always "read" to the audience. of course, i'm just reading it - it would be different to see a performance. and others might have picked up things i did not.
i guess my final thoughts are that the beginning is a bit slow b/c everyone is getting along so well. there isn't really a lot of drama going on. some conflict earlier would be good - maybe about the $ issue, maybe the daughter raising the subject of inviting the dad & what does mom think, etc. then, you really have to sell the dad & having the family really think he's going to stay. b/c he left once already, i had a hard time believing he was going to stay.
remember, you only write something once...you rewrite it a hundred times!
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