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IowaScribe
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 05:50 pm |
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A scene from the short play "Conversations In a Mall," which is part of my compilation of related one-act plays entitled VOICES CARRY.
Please be sweetly honest and brutally gentle with me.
Turquoise
(Lights up on Stage Right. MARTIN is a middle-aged man in a clothing store, shopping for ties. He is clearly not happy with anything he is finding on the rack. SHERYL approaches him. She is a pretty teenage girl, around 15 years old. She is also blind, which should be made apparent to the audience in a way that isn’t a cliché. SHERYL is holding a very pretty turquoise- colored sweater. She approaches MARTIN carefully.)
SHERYL
Excuse me? Sir?
III-16
MARTIN
(Startled.)
Huh? What?
SHERYL
Can you help me?
MARTIN
Help you? How?
SHERYL
(Holds up the sweater across the front of her.)
What does this look like?
MARTIN
What does it look like?
(He is very slowly figuring out that she can’t see.)
What do you mean?
SHERYL
This sweater feels so soft and nice. What does it look like?
MARTIN
Are -- are you --
SHERYL
Yes, I’m blind. It’s OK. I’m not an ogre or something.
MARTIN
I’m so sorry. I guess I didn’t know if it was OK to call it blind these days. I don’t know any blind people.
SHERYL
It’s OK to call it blind. What else would you call it?
MARTIN
I don’t know. Visually impaired?
III-17
SHERYL
(Laughs.)
Well, I suppose you could call it that, but it wouldn’t make me any less blind.
MARTIN
(Laughs nervously.)
I guess you’ve got me there.
(Paternal instinct.)
How old are you? Are you here by yourself?
SHERYL
I’m almost 15. My mother is here with me, but she went to the bathroom.
MARTIN
She left you here by yourself?
SHERYL
I didn’t want to go with her, it’s all the way across the mall. I’m almost 15. I can take care of myself for a few minutes.
MARTIN
Well, you shouldn’t be walking up to strange men, blind or not.
SHERYL
You’re not a strange man. You’re a nice man, I could tell.
MARTIN
You can tell? Do you have some kind of sixth sense?
SHERYL
No. I could just tell you were a nice man. You’ve just met me and you’re already protective of me, so I know I was right.
MARTIN
Still, you need to be careful.
III-18
SHERYL
I am.
(Holds up sweater against her.)
So what does this look like?
MARTIN
I don’t really know, I’m not really a fashion expert.
SHERYL
I don’t want a fashion expert’s opinion. I want the opinion of a nice man. I just want to know what it looks like. Is it pretty?
MARTIN
Yes, it’s pretty.
SHERYL
Would it look pretty on me?
MARTIN
Yes, I suppose it would.
SHERYL
I’m going to a dance this weekend. Would it be appropriate for a school dance?
MARTIN
I guess so. I think it would.
SHERYL
Tell me more. What does it look like?
MARTIN
Well, it’s kind of turquoise-colored, with some white kind of mixed in there.
SHERYL
Turquoise?
III-19
MARTIN
Yes.
SHERYL
(Sadly.)
I don’t know what turquoise looks like.
MARTIN
Well, it’s kind of a blue-green. This one is more blue than green.
SHERYL
Blue-green? That really doesn’t help me either. Tell me something else that’s turquoise.
MARTIN
What do you mean?
SHERYL
What else in the world is turquoise-colored, besides this sweater?
MARTIN
(Stumped.)
I guess I don’t really know. It’s a mineral, I think. It’s like a stone, some people have turquoise jewelry. Ancient jewelry is turquoise sometimes.
SHERYL
Flowers? Are there any turquoise flowers?
MARTIN
Not really. But sometimes the sky is turquoise at sunset. And sometimes a lake or ocean looks kind of turquoise.
SHERYL
I see. Do you think a boy would want to dance with a girl who is wearing a turquoise sweater?
MARTIN
If he’s a smart boy, he probably would.
III-20
SHERYL
What does it remind you of?
MARTIN
What does what remind me of?
SHERYL
The color turquoise. When you see the color turquoise, what does it make you think of?
MARTIN
(Hesitates. Then he just says it, with a sigh.)
For the rest of my life, it will make me think of you.
SHERYL
(She is flattered and moved by this comment.)
That’s good enough for me. Thank you.
(She turns and walks away. He watches her until she is out of sight. Then he turns back to the ties as the lights fade.)
(END.)
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spiny norman
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Posted: Wed Jul 9th, 2008 01:03 am |
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it's nice, altho i usually hate to use that word (as george carlin used to rant about it).
being a devious person, i kept waiting for something horrible to happen to the poor blind girl since it doesn't seem a very dramatic situation (girl asks man in store a question). the fact that she's blind is an interesting twist but since you could write a similar scene in which a sighted girl asks a strange man a question about the suitability of a blouse to get a "male" point of view, i was expecting the blindness to be a sort of dangerous weakness that could lead to something bad happening to her.
but as a simple quiet "moment," it's fine. i liked the end line -
"For the rest of my life, it will make me think of you."
i also like how the girl wants the color described to her by other things - what else is this color, etc.
i question how the girl knew he was a "nice man" before he talked to her. of course, once they began talking, she could tell he was "nice" but how did she know before that? isn't it a huge risk for a young blind girl to talk to any stranger?
i hate suggesting ideas to others but i do it anyway! so, what if before the girl talks to him, we see him not being nice? shoplifting something, looking at her in a "bad" way, etc. then you have some tension - how will he react to her when she's so nice & innocent - be a good guy or a bad guy? it's like a lamb coming up to a wolf ("excuse me, i'm lost, you seem like a nice animal, can you help me find my flock?") does he eat it or is he somehow charmed to ignore his beastiality & help it?
but that might not be what this piece is about.
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Thu Jul 10th, 2008 05:16 pm |
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I experience an almost poetic tension while reading the piece. It caused me to ask questions about the safety of the child and the morality of the man. Our minds supply the drama. We know the risk we take when we speak to strangers. Are there odds against a woman, young, and blind, meeting an adult male who is willing to experience turquoise in other than a visual way?
The poetic, subtle manner of raising the questions, is or could become a peaceful revolution. So, to me, this is an excellent play.
Thank you.
Mary Alice
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AustinS
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Posted: Thu Jul 10th, 2008 07:40 pm |
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IowaScribe,
I liked this piece it was definitely fun to read. What I liked most about it was the lens it gave me into the life of the blind. How does one relate what their eyes see to a person who as no point of reference? I thought it was done nicely here.
I felt like the man by the end of the story related to the color turquoise in the same way as the young girl. By comparing it to a ephemeral experience rather than an empirical act of vision. And that part was so much fun, I wonder if you could increase the scope of that insight. That's not so much a critique but rather a hope, because I'd just love to learn more by experiencing that life vicariously, as your play so far has allowed me to do.
-AustinS
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IowaScribe
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 08:14 am |
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Thank you Norman, Alice and Austin for your critiques. They were very informative and very pleasing to me. I was concerned that a reader might not immediately recognize that the tension and conflict are all in the subtext and not on the page. It's a quiet, subtle scene which is exactly what I wanted it to be.
I do agree that the gentleman needs to seem like he might possibly be a bit threatening and SHERYL needs to seem vulnerable so that the audience is immediately concerned for her, not just for her safety but perhaps also for her emotional security. She is reaching out, desperately, for communication with someone, anyone. The wrong person saying or doing the wrong thing, intentionally or not, could crush her in one way or another. The man somehow manages to find empathy and a way to say the best possible thing he could say. I believe that actors and directors will recognize this naturally and so I didn't feel it was needed in the text. Am I being too hopeful?
And honsstly, I don't know how SHERYL knows he's a nice man. She just knows, somehow. It's blind faith, literally in this case.
The scene stands alone, one of three scenes in this one-act which are all exactly what they are called, "Conversations In A Mall." This is the third scene. The first scene, which I will post on another thread, is simalarly quiet and subtle, a conversation between strangers, one quite vulnerable.
The two subtle conversations bracket a very comic conversation, high-energy and a little whacky. Perhaps I will post scene two in the not-too-distant future as well.
The entire compilation -- eight one-acts of varied length -- focuses on communication between men and women, how rare it is for us to say the right thing at the right time, but how wonderful it is when that does happen. The man in TURQUOISE gets it right this time. Believe me, he doesn't have much company in the script.
Thank you all once again. You're so very helpful.
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Fri Jul 11th, 2008 10:45 pm |
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Please don't add or change anything to heighten the tension. The tension inherent in what you have is the real human stuff. We are all potential "bad guys," men or not. And we are all capable of saying or doing the "wrong" thing.
Since we can't know in every (any) situation, what that "wrong" thing may be, we all learn to function on "blind faith." ("I have always relied on the kindness of strangers." - Tennessee WIlliams.) Though we learn to call it something else.
Our tendency to be protective, in this instance, is the tendency to attack the mother as not being responsible for her child. It may be true that some of us are more comfortable if those we consider less able are "protected" elsewhere. Aren't these things we need to consider? Just exactly who is being protected? My comfort, or; your ability?
Please, if theatre is to educate and entertain, allow these thoughts to occur to us, and may many fruitful conversations begin.
Thank you again.
Mary Alice
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spiny norman
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 01:30 am |
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i did not find the girl vulnerable at all. on the contrary, she seemed very brave to me and very confident to talk to a complete stranger. she was very comfortable with her blindness & discussing it with a stranger and was very pointed with her questions. she lets the man know her mother is coming back & that seems to hint that someone will miss her if she's gone when the mother returns.
perhaps this is why i needed a bit more menace from the man. she seemed confident & he seemed nice. while i don't think he needs to be wearing a black cape & twiddling his mustache, perhaps she could be a little more hesitant.
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IowaScribe
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 03:07 am |
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Thank you again. This feedback is wonderful. I believe you're right on the money, Mary Alice. And Norman, you've helped me look at this from a completely different point of view.
I had no intention of changing this scene unless it became obvious to me that the subtle tension wasn't clear at all. I still don't intend to change it. I think actors, directors and the audience will get it.
Also, I believe you can be very brave and very confident and still be seen as quite vulnerable.
I'm humbled by the quality of this feedback, from all of you. Thanks so much.
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ggf
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Posted: Sun Aug 3rd, 2008 02:34 pm |
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I had a perverse idea reading this piece. What if the man were red, black or dark, Muslim or some other "race" besides white. For some reason, because I'm white I guess, I immediately assumed that these people were white.
However, that would change the theme to color blindness as opposed to blindness about disabled people., and we are not here to rewrite other people's plays.
I had the same response as one other person. It's "nice". There is some tension in the scene, but there's always tension in human relationships. However, I would like more dramatic action. The girl doesn't seem at all shy or nervous to me, and the stranger is very nice to her, reassuring her and the audience both that blind people can be real, memoriable people. [Maybe the scebe is supposed to overcome the audience's resistance to seeing disabled people as whole people?']
ggf a.k.a. Will Kempe-not-a-spammer-but-genuine-playwriting-fanatic
Addendum: Anybody want to join my club for blind people?
To join, you must be half blind and preferably, a drummer, but not full blind. I am legally blind in my left eye, and my horse was half blind too. He would have wound up in Animal Treblinka, if I hadn't bought him. He died of a heart attack at age 32 and never went fully blind.
One of my plays is about Animal Treblinka stuff, by the way. [Have you all seen the buzz on the Internet about Nazs' treatment of Jews compared to their treatment of animals.? I spent 18 years writing this play, and I finally got it down on paper.
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ggf
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Posted: Sun Aug 3rd, 2008 03:08 pm |
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OH, forget what I said, IowaScribe. I just realized that a LOT is at stake here for this girl. She longs to be accepted and seen as pretty and well dressed, just like any able-bodied person, so she is testing herself on this stranger.
I can see where this scene [scribe-scebe] would work just beautifully in a full play, but it also stands alone as a lovely piece. Yes, I will always think of your character when I see turquoise, and being part Indian, I notice turquoise too....
I will remember you and your writing.
Forget what I said. I am a little big rigid in my thinking about playwriting sometimes.
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timmy
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Posted: Mon Aug 4th, 2008 12:17 am |
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IowaScribe:
Just wanted to tell you that this is a very poetic piece. I wouldn't change a thing and leaving it up to the director to chose the "colors" of the actors is a wise thing. These two people could be played by any color and it would still be poetic. Reminds me of that Sidney Poiter film where he befriends the white blind girl in the park. Name escapes me.
"Probably" is the only word I don't agree with (Martin says this toward the end). Martin's character is established enough he could say the phrase w/o "probably" and not sound like a dirty old man toward Sheryl.
I love the idea of your series. Good luck w/it.
timmy (from Minnesota)
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IowaScribe
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Posted: Tue Aug 5th, 2008 07:01 am |
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Thank you both for your excellent feedback, timmy from minnesota and Will. It is much appreciated.
I've lived half my life in various parts of Minnesota, Timmy -- Willmar, New Ulm and Winona areas, as well as long visits near Park Rapids and Walker.
In fact, once I was asked why I write, and my response that day was, "I write because almost always I want to be sitting quietly with someone I care about on a dock at a lake in Minnesota under a yellow moon on a warm summer night when the loons are laughing, but almost always that's not where I am."
I think that only a Minnesotan might understand how heartfelt that response was.
(And I heard dat evidently the walleyes ha'bin hittin' on Mille Lacs, doncha know?)
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