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IowaScribe
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 03:12 am |
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Another scene from the one-act "Conversations In A Mall," part of my VOICES CARRY compilation.
Again, please be sweetly brutal.
Finding Grace
(Lights up stage left. A bench in a mall. PHILIP is a very elderly man, with a cane. He looks both irritated and a little frightened. He is restless and confused.
JANET enters and crosses behind him, glancing at him as she does. She carries shopping bags and a purse. As she almost reaches the opposite exit, she stops and turns to look at him again. She considers walking off, but something about PHILIP makes her feel as though she should go talk to him. Carefully she walks up to him. JANET will be pacing nervously all around PHILIP and the bench throughout, stopping only to listen to him. PHILIP will remain seated, but will be fidgety and restless throughout.)
JANET
(Standing near him, not sure what to say.)
Ex-Excuse me? Are you OK?
PHILIP
(Startled.)
What?
(Eyes her for a moment.)
What did you want?
III-2
JANET
Nothing. You looked -- it looked like something might be wrong. Is everything OK?
PHILIP
(Suspicious.)
Grace? Is that you?
JANET
No. No, I’m not Grace. My name is Janet. Are you waiting for Grace? Is Grace your wife?
PHILIP
My wife? No. Grace is my sister. You looked just like her a minute ago.
JANET
Are you here with your sister? Is that who you’re waiting for?
PHILIP
No. I don’t think so.
JANET
You don’t think so?
PHILIP
(Angry at first, but then his voice becomes more frightened.)
That’s what I said! I don’t -- I don’t think so. I don’t remember things very good anymore.
(Looks at her, a little embarrassed.)
I don’t know where I am. I was walking here through a crowd of people, and then I couldn’t remember where I was supposed to be going.
(Starts to tear up.)
I think I’m lost.
JANET
(Worried.)
Well -- well maybe I can help you? Maybe I can find a security
III-3
JANET (Continued)
guard?
(Looks around.)
Hello? Is there a security guard around? Anyone in authority who can help us? Anyone?
PHILIP
(Cowering a little.)
Are you mad at me?
JANET
What? No! I’m not mad at you.
PHILIP
You sound a little mad.
JANET
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound mad. I’m just looking for someone who can help you.
PHILIP
You’re not Grace?
JANET
No, I’m Janet.
PHILIP
Janet? Do you know where I am?
JANET
You’re in a mall. A shopping mall. Do you remember how you got here?
PHILIP
(Starts to cry.)
No. I don’t remember things too well anymore sometimes. I’m sorry. I just don’t.
III-4
JANET
It’s OK. I can help you. Please don’t cry.
PHILIP
I’m scared.
JANET
Don’t be scared. I’ll help you.
PHILIP
I could have sworn you were my sister Grace when you walked up here. Isn’t that crazy?
JANET
No, it’s not crazy. Do I look a little bit like Grace?
PHILIP
I think you do. Her eyes were pretty like yours. And her eyes were nervous, like yours are. But you can’t be Grace, that’s what’s crazy. Grace died when she was 17. I was 15. She drowned.
JANET
Oh. I’m so sorry.
PHILIP
She looked out for me. She was the oldest. She looked out for all of us. She was the big sister. Tough as nails. Tougher than any of the boys.
JANET
It sounds like Grace was a wonderful girl.
PHILIP
I think about her every day.
JANET
What’s your name?
III-5
PHILIP
I’m Philip. Phil.
JANET
Can you remember if you’re married, Philip?
PHILIP
Norma is my wife. She drives me to work in a pick-up truck. She drops me off and drives that truck all over town all day long, running her errands for church and her ladies’ clubs, then picks me up again at the end of my shift. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s cute and smart. I’ve always liked women who were cute and smart. And no one is cuter and smarter than Norma.
(A secret for JANET.)
She’s a lousy cook, though. I just never had the heart to tell her.
JANET
Did Norma drive you here?
PHILIP
I can’t remember.
JANET
Are you sure Norma is -- are you sure she’s still around?
PHILIP
Still around? Norma?
(Considers this question for a long time. Finally he shakes his head.)
I don’t think so. I don’t think she’s still around. I think I’m all alone. It feels like I’m all alone.
JANET
Did you and Norma have any children?
PHILIP
(Proudly.)
Two boys. Smart boys, too. Steven plays football and Scotty sings in
III-6
PHILIP (Continued)
the choir. You wouldn’t believe it, but when they get into a scrap, the choir boy kicks the football player’s behind. Of course, Scotty’s a couple of years older than Steven.
JANET
Surely they’re all grown up now?
PHILIP
Grown up now?
(Isn’t sure what to think of this.)
They must be all grown up now, that’s right. That’s right. Look at me. I’m an old man. My boys must be all grown up. Sometimes I have trouble remembering things.
JANET
I know you do, but that’s OK. You have to be here with someone, don’t you?
PHILIP
You’d think so, wouldn’t you? I can’t expect my boys to take care of me. They’ve got their own problems. No time to take care of a stupid old man. Grace died. And Norma, my wife. Norma’s gone, I think.
JANET
(At her wit’s end.)
There never seem to be any security guards around when you need one. I just don’t know what to do.
PHILIP
I think I’m lost.
(Worried.)
Are you going to leave me here?
JANET
No, I’m not going to leave you.
III-7
PHILIP
(Surprised.)
You’re not?
JANET
No. I’m not.
PHILIP
(Stares at her a long time.)
Are you -- are you a nurse?
JANET
No, I’m not a nurse.
PHILIP
You’re nice, like a nurse. And pretty. You could be a good nurse.
JANET
Thank you.
PHILIP
You can’t take care of me. I’m sure you’ve got enough problems. You’ve got too many problems to waste all your time looking out for me.
JANET
Maybe so. But I can look out for you for now.
PHILIP
You can?
JANET
(Kneels down to his eye level. Takes his hand.)
I can, and I will.
PHILIP
(He stares at her for a long time, not sure he believes her.)
Grace? Could you -- could you just sit here with me for a while?
III-8 JANET
Of course I can, Philip. We’ll just sit here together for a while.
(She sits. She smiles at him. He is happy.)
(Lights out.)
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Mary Alice
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Posted: Sat Jul 12th, 2008 08:12 pm |
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Yeppers! The formatting here is a pain, but yeppers!
Mary Alice
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spiny norman
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Posted: Sun Jul 13th, 2008 08:12 pm |
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i liked this & honestly can't think of anything to say about it other than that. i think you did a great job.
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ggf
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 04:50 am |
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The characters are distinct...I can almost see the old man, that's good. I liked the way the woman questions the old man to try to figure out if he has any family she can contact...a wife or kids. I like the way his presence of mind changes as his memory comes and goes. I assume he has dementia, Alzheimer's or a head injury.
The characterization is fine...quite a bit of tension and suspense.
I wonder where this play is going. Where is the conflict? Is it going to be the old man's inner conflict, between his anger at himself and his resignation and acceptance of his fading memory? He seems to be conscious of the fact that he has a problem.
How DOES a person make peace with the knowledge that his mind is going?
Oh god, this scene reminds me of how wonderful old people can be as characters. Remember lovable, adorable Nonno, in Night of the Iguana? Remember the aging couple in Painting Churches? King Lear, of course? Wise old Cadmus in The Bacchae?
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tsaurus
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Posted: Mon Jul 14th, 2008 12:13 pm |
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IowaScribe,
Well done. Using quite spare dialogue you create a distinct sense of character which is quite an achievement. For me, Janet gets drawn in a little too easily at the beginning – I was longing for more of a sense that she has better things to do and really wants to be getting on with them. I think that a resistance to being drawn in to the man’s dilemma would be both recognisable and create a bit more tension at the beginning. Philip is a nice character and certainly gets your sympathy. Part of me was hoping that he would reveal something a little darker, maybe just a hint, something to undercut the ‘niceness’ of his character. However, that’s just my personal taste, I always react against it if I find a character becoming too ‘nice’.
I thought that there were just a few places in the dialogue where characters said things that didn’t sound very natural. For instance, when Janet says “Is there a security guard around? Anyone in authority who can help us?” It didn’t ring true to my ear – surely she would look around for a security guard, but would she voice it out loud?
Is this all we ever see of these characters, or are they developed further in other parts of “Conversations in a Mall”?
It is difficult to judge the piece as a ‘play’ outside of the larger context, but as a fragment it certainly reads smoothly and augers well for the larger work.
Tsaurus
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ggf
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 12:56 am |
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Yes, please explain what this piece is? Is it an exercise or part of a play? I know that "Jane Martin" used to write monologues before he/she began writing those fine plays.
Also, I forgot to mention yesterday that I was moved by the tears coming to the old man's eyes. His changing emotions seem very appropriate to me for an old person experiencing confusion.
Oh, I like him being "nice". Nonno was the nicest old man who ever lived< I think.
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IowaScribe
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Posted: Tue Jul 15th, 2008 08:25 am |
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Thank you all for your feedback. Allow me to explain.
The scene here stands alone with two other "Conversations In A Mall" including "Turquoise" which is posted downthread. The three-scene one-act is a part of my VOICES CARRY compilation, which includes eight seperate one-act plays of varying length related only by theme.
To me, this scene is complete. JANET and PHILIP will spend eternity sitting there on the bench in the mall, which is where I want them through the end of time.
Judging from your excellent feedback, this scene does exactly what I hoped it would do. The questions you ask me are pretty much the questions I want audience members to be asking in their minds at the end of this scene. I want people to say to themselves, "That was nice. Is there more? Was that it? Will we see those two again?"
FINDING GRACE and TURQUOISE are intended to be nice, quiet moments among a compilation of moments that can be seperately described as loud, rude, slapstick comical. mysterious, and deeply sad -- among other things. There are a wide variety of communication connections and snafus.
I hope that helps you all better understand where I was going with this.
Thank you all so much for the feedback. It's very helpful.
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ggf
Member
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Posted: Wed Jul 16th, 2008 12:13 am |
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Thanks..I will think about this. Your organization and theme is original. I like the idea of a one-act in three scenes.
I was surprised when you said the piece was finished. However, yes, I can see that....
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