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dresdenkiss
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Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 02:20 pm |
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I would have posted Scene 1 first, but it's not finished. I don't feel like this one's finished yet, but it's much further along than any of the other ones. I read through it and don't feel like theirs much in this that isn't easy to infer what happened in Scene 1.
I'm just looking for any type of feedback on it (aside from formatting, as I think it just didn't paste nicely). There are some things I don't personally like, but others have, so I've left it. Eh.
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-Text Removed by dresdenkiss (08/04/08)
Last edited on Tue Aug 5th, 2008 04:16 am by dresdenkiss
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spiny norman
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 12:35 am |
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it's always hard to comment on the middle of something when you haven't seen/read the first part. that said -
it's a funny, light piece. i really like rocco - he reminds me of seinfeld's kramer (the way he comes in & refuses to leave, has a spare key, etc.) it's a bit predictable in that it's set up so much that the mystery woman must be great that you just know there's going to be something wrong with her. when she turns out to be old & crazy & foulmouthed, it is funny but a bit much. i like her with a backpack. i like jimmy buying a new vase for the date.
in this bit:
JIMMY:
She’s going to call first, and I’m going to tell her I caught the botulism.
ROCCO:
THE botulism? You mean you caught botulism.
JIMMY:
That’s just what she called it, and it’s stuck it in my head, now.
i would cut rocco's line & jimmy's response. it seems funnier to me if jimmy just says "the botulism" without any comment on it.
also, be careful of the elvis plate thing. i like the plate idea but when people bring up elvis, it always seems like a cheap ploy to get a laugh. perhaps if the plate was "star trek" or "gone with the wind."
the dialog is natural & the physical stuff is funny. tomato soup & mashed potatoes might lend themselves to some messy, physical bits. it does leave me wondering what happens next - does she come back? does jimmy find a girl?
i liked it hope you will post the first bit & the last bit at some point.
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dresdenkiss
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 03:31 am |
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Not to start a fight or anything, but I'm actually a fan of Spiny's response. It was honest, and offered suggestions on what might improve it. After all - in the end - it's my choice on what to do with it and whether or not I change it.
As far as the lines go - that's one of the parts that I had marked as a spot where I was uncertain of how much I liked it, so I am probably going to take your advice.
As for the Elvis plate - the guy's an Elvis fanatic (and so was his ex-girlfriend which is why at the very end Jimmy talks to the picture of the dog named Elvis - explained better in Scene 1). I happen to be a large fan of Elvis myself, and for whatever reason just tend to put him in the background of most of my writing (in another full-length I'm working on, the first scene is set a day after Elvis dies).
Thanks for the feedback, and as soon as Scene 1 is completed to the point where I like it enough to send it to my friends to look it over, it will be up (as will the rest at some point).
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spiny norman
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 06:27 pm |
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one other thought that occured to me.
jimmy says "She’s the only one on that site that was able to keep a decent conversation going."
i question whether such a crazy lady as ethyl would be able to pull this off.
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