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John Watts
Member
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Posted: Fri Aug 15th, 2008 05:18 pm |
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ONE LEGGED PIGEON
By John Watts
A short one-act comedy
A man in his thirties is confronted by an older woman on a park bench whose husband left her for a twenty-thee year old. He is forced to explain his mismatched shoes which were acquired by escaping from a married woman’s apartment in a hurry as the husband arrived. His pitiful condition is matched by her dejected attempt to feed pigeons that will not respond to her. A pathetic one legged pigeon arrives on the scene giving them a sympathetic focus for the lonely existence of each of them. The confrontation turns physical when she throws one of his shoes off stage, attempts to beat him down with a bag of bread crumbs and throws the second shoe to her vicious cocker spaniel. In the process we discover the trauma of their lives.
Characters:
An older woman
A man in his thirties
(An older woman is sitting on a park bench throwing breadcrumbs from a shopping bag to pigeons that do not come. A man in his thirties enters stage right, crosses downstage of the bench muttering to himself while looking at his feet. As he passes her he comments out loud.)
MAN
Pathetic!
(She looks up and yells at him.)
WOMAN
Say that to my face!
(He turns to look at her.)
MAN
Excuse me?
WOMAN
Say it to my face. Go ahead.
MAN
I wasn’t speaking to—
WOMAN
Pathetic, I heard you. You said pathetic. I may not have the best eye sight anymore but I do have twenty-twenty hearing.
MAN
I was referring to myself.
WOMAN
Just because I’m sitting alone on this park bench throwing bread crumbs to pigeons that don’t want anything to do with me does not mean I’m pathetic.
MAN
I didn’t notice you.
WOMAN
You’re making it worse.
MAN
Believe me you did not enter my thoughts.
WOMAN
That’s supposed to make me feel better?
MAN
I wasn’t trying to—
WOMAN
A cold gray day in the city is lonely enough as it is. No one comes in to the park on a day like this.
MAN
Except you and me.
WOMAN
Usually I get to watch humanity close up.
MAN
Well I hope you find some humanity.
(He continues to walk to stage left as she calls after him.)
WOMAN
Wretched, worthless, pitiful!
MAN
You’re trying to make me feel guilty.
WOMAN
I’m judging you the way you judged me.
(He returns to the bench and points to his shoes.)
MAN
Pathetic! I was referring to myself.
WOMAN
Your shoes don’t match.
MAN
Exactly.
WOMAN
You just exposed your humanity.
MAN
I don’t walk around the park exposing myself to older women.
WOMAN
Does that suggest that you expose yourself to younger women?
MAN
Only in private.
WOMAN
Well I hope your shoes match when you do. Nothing is more unattractive than a naked man in unmatched shoes.
MAN
I never leave my shoes on when I’m naked. What the hell am I saying? You are not going to con me into continuing this conversation.
(He continues to stage left.)
WOMAN
Not even the pigeons have respect for tradition anymore.
MAN
Why is it that older people always hit you with a guilt trip?
WOMAN
I put out bread for them but they prefer Macdonalds or Thai food.
MAN
This is the kind of thing my mother used to do. She’d just sit there looking forlorn, making comments about the world no longer paying attention to her.
WOMAN
I even talk to them but they still don’t come.
MAN
You can’t expect the world to come to you.
WOMAN
I’m not asking for the world, just an occasional pigeon.
MAN
Well I hope you find one.
(He walks stage left to exit.)
WOMAN
Sometimes they line up on the other side of the path looking at me. But they never come.
MAN
Then you have to advertise.
WOMAN
Do I look like a fast food chain?
MAN
Don’t knock it. It’s the American way.
WOMAN
Well it’s not helping this American.
MAN
You really do sound just like my mother.
WOMAN
I’ll bet if she needed to attract some pigeons you’d be—
MAN
Ok, ok, just give me the bag.
He walks to the bench and takes the bag from her, moves downstage left, sprinkles breadcrumbs from stage left to right while they converse.)
MAN
You need to put your samples everywhere, give them a little taste, and then direct them back to the source.
WOMAN
I’ve tried that and I’m still living alone.
MAN
Maybe your samples were too generous.
(She points to the pigeon in the audience which he also sees.)
WOMAN
A pigeon!
MAN
On one leg.
MAN AND WOMAN
Pathetic.
MAN
You can’t make it in the city on one leg.
WOMAN
Not with that attitude. Give me my bread crumbs back.
(She takes the bag and throws crumbs to the pigeon.)
Come on little birdie. Come and get it, you poor little thing.
MAN
You don’t hold out promise to a one legged pigeon when there’s no chance of survival.
WOMAN
Try hopping on one of those mismatched shoes and say that.
(He hops on one leg as he speaks.)
MAN
You don’t hold out promise to a one legged pigeon when—
(She hits him with the bread crumbs throwing him off balance. He falls and she stands over him.)
Cut it out lady!
WOMAN
The world teases you along, promises the future but when the time comes, you discover you’re a one legged pigeon. Where the hell is God and how the hell did you end up with a brown loafer and a black lace up?
MAN
I didn’t have time to tie two lace ups.
WOMAN
No one should be in that much of a hurry.
MAN
Her husband was coming in the front door so I slid on his loafer and slipped out the back window.
WOMAN
Slipping and sliding, that’s how my husband died.
(She returns to the bench and ignores him. He gets up and sits next to her on the bench. He removes the loafer and rubs his foot.)
MAN
The man has great taste in women but terrible taste in shoes.
WOMAN
Slipping and sliding down a fire escape.
MAN
That’s what women like about me. I’ve got style.
WOMAN
He didn’t have any shoes on when they found him, just one red sock.
MAN
Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead in a shoe like that.
WOMAN
Don’t be so sure.
MAN
I know how to handle a bad situation.
WOMAN
Is that why you’re sitting on a park bench talking to a forlorn replica of your mother?
MAN
I just need a moment to recover from your vicious breadcrumb attach.
WOMAN
Pathetic, you definitely were referring to yourself. But it is me too, throwing bread crumbs to disdainful birds.
MAN
Well this little guy is interested. I can tell by the way he’s tilting his head.
WOMAN
It’s just his commentary on our existence, his way of calling us wretched, useless, dejected—
MAN
He’s just hungry.
WOMAN
Pigeons see the futility of our struggle to change things.
MAN
You really believe that decrepit little bird is hopping around on one leg thinking about the futility of life?
WOMAN
Can’t you see the spirituality in his eyes?
MAN
Oh sure, how could I miss it? If it was a sunny day he’d have groupies sitting around him on the grass waiting for a sign.
WOMAN
Make fun all you want but sooner or later you’ll realize that we’re all one legged pigeons.
MAN
Lady I still have both my legs and when you and I have gone home that pitiful bird will still be standing alone in the park on that one boney stick of a leg.
WOMAN
You should talk? You’re already handicapped, walking around in another man’s shoe.
MAN
I am not handicapped.
(He waves the shoe, which she grabs and throws off stage right. He limps
off stage after the shoe. She then throws more crumbs to the pigeon
continuing to speak as the man enters still limping.)
What the hell are you doing?
WOMAN
I’ll bet you know birds that act just like him, flapping their wings about, letting you know just how important they are. My husband was the same till they found him face down in his underwear with one red sock on a pile of garbage bags at the bottom of a fire escape. Oh don’t be so timid, they’re very tasty bread crumbs and we need each other. That’s something my husband didn’t understand, flapping his feathers and puffing himself up, like he was the center of the universe. But he went way too far running off with a twenty-three year old. If he left me for someone my age or even a little younger, I’d still be devastated but I’d deal with it. But the fool had delusions of grandeur chasing perky breasts and a tattooed rear end.
MAN
Who are you talking to?
WOMAN
The pigeon, why’d you come back?
MAN
You owe me a pair of shoes.
WOMAN
You didn’t have a pair of shoes.
MAN
I had two shoes, one on the left foot and one on the right till you threw one away.
WOMAN
Talk about handicapped, you can’t even retrieve a shoe.
MAN
A very nasty Cocker Spaniel ran off with it.
WOMAN
You didn’t chase him? I’m sure he wanted to be chased.
MAN
I hurt my foot running after him.
(He sits on the bench.)
WOMAN
This is my bench.
MAN
Well it’s mine now too until you get my shoe back from the ferocious dog or buy me another pair of shoes.
WOMAN
Now look what you’ve done. You’ve frightened that poor bird away.
MAN
He can’t go far on one leg.
WOMAN
Neither can you.
MAN
You’re really enjoying this aren’t you?
WOMAN
Conversation and revenge all in one, it’s the kind of park moment one hopes for.
MAN
Well when you stop gloating, that pooch was definitely running in a circle around this bench.
WOMAN
With a shoe between his teeth.
MAN
If you wait behind a tree you can catch him as he passes.
WOMAN
It’s too late. I’m sure the pigeon has informed him that we’re plotting an ambush.
MAN
Lady all I want is my shoe so I can go home.
WOMAN
Ok, I will attempt to retrieve your shoe. In the meantime if you take off the other one you can rest both feet.
MAN
That’s a good idea.
(He removes the shoe, which she immediately throws off stage right.)
MAN
What the hell! You are really nuts!
WOMAN
Getting emotional won’t solve a thing.
MAN
You even act like my mother.
WOMAN
A mommy complex, that’s why you’re running out of married women’s apartments in the—
MAN
I’m asking you nicely, will you please get both my shoes.
WOMAN
And ruin this moment?
MAN
What moment?
WOMAN
You’re twenty years younger, but still a perfect stand in for my husband.
MAN
That’s ridiculous.
WOMAN
I always wanted to tell him what to do with his sorry excuse for an erection.
MAN
I’m out of here.
WOMAN
Leave now and I will scream as loud as I can, that you attacked me.
MAN
Now wait a minute—
WOMAN
Who do you think the police will believe a sweet, almost older woman, or a man wandering the park without shoes?
MAN
What is it you want?
WOMAN
I want you to sit on that bench and say nothing while I rant and rave about how you ruined a perfectly good marriage.
MAN
I’m not married.
WOMAN
You’re his stand in. Talking to his ashes didn’t work. The only satisfaction I got was when I flushed them down the toilet.
MAN
Lucky ashes.
WOMAN
I said don’t speak. Just sit down and look straight ahead.
(He obediently sits as she stands behind him as they face the fourth wall.)
Thirty two years, that’s a long time to live with someone. We went through all the warm and cuddly hugs, all the biting sarcasm over what we hadn’t done for each other and still decided it’s still worth the effort.
(He attempts to stand as she pushes his shoulders to make him sits again.)
Don’t move or I’ll have you arrested!
(He sits perfectly still.)
You and me, breathing the same air and trusting the moment, that’s what we had in the beginning, but the middle years were hard. Obligations, making a living, the secrets you didn’t tell me, it takes a toll but when you come out of the tunnel still holding hands there is a completeness that goes way beyond romance.
MAN
Very good ranting and raving, and you’ve got a real knack for guilt. Now I need to go—
(He gets up and tries to leave as she comes around the bench to face him and pushes him back down as she speaks.)
WOMAN
You were the right hand to my left, the left to my right till you till you cut them from my body.
(He raises his hands in case anyone is watching.)
MAN
My hands are over my head. For anyone who’s watching, I didn’t touch a thing.
WOMAN
You touched a twenty-three year old with a push up bra. You Viagra’d yourself into a stupor. You scratched an itch that took away your life and ruined mine.
(He slips past her as he stands.)
MAN
Now wait just a minute.
WOMAN
And now you are flushed away, dispersed with the effluence, one with the universe.
MAN
You think it’s easy for a guy? Women throw little hints and signals at you day and night.
WOMAN
So we’re back to your advertising campaign, putting samples out there to hook a big one, or in my husband’s case, a little one.
MAN
I try to protect myself but you can’t hide from temptation when it’s staring you in the face every minute of the day.
WOMAN
At his age, it was staring at his wallet.
MAN
But you admit the temptation was there.
WOMAN
Temptation is every where; I still remember sex drugs and rock and roll.
MAN
Your pigeon is back.
(They both observe the bird somewhere in the audience.)
WOMAN
Where?
MAN
By the MacDonald’s wrapper next to the garbage can.
WOMAN
That is typical male behavior, giving in to temptation, once he gets a taste of that hamburger, he’ll never come back for breadcrumbs.
MAN
You don’t know that bird is male.
WOMAN
Look at the way he’s devouring that meat. He just can’t get enough. Every muscle in his body is focused, even his one skinny leg is quivering.
MAN
Women quiver too.
WOMAN
Women quiver by choice.
MAN
You just proved my point. How can you blame a man for doing what comes naturally when a woman quivers with malicious intent?
WOMAN
Women have to deal with the reality that a man’s brain is between his legs.
MAN
A man’s brain is right where it’s supposed to be till a woman tickles those receptors making the blood flow from north to south.
WOMAN
Women spend their entire lives attempting to move men’s thoughts north.
MAN
That’s just a ploy to put a collar and a leash on a man just like that Cocker Spaniel out there.
WOMAN
I have never put a leash on him.
MAN
That’s your dog?
WOMAN
Archibald is the only male I trust.
MAN
Archibald? Why the hell did you call him Archibald?
WOMAN
It was my husband’s name. He hated it, especially the bald part. It described him perfectly.
MAN
You are in real trouble Archibald. Don’t go near fire escapes.
WOMAN
Don’t say another word. I don’t want him indoctrinated by men.
MAN
You set me up. You probably sit here everyday figuring ways to trap innocent men.
WOMAN
Men are never innocent.
MAN
I’ll bet that’s your pigeon too. You probably cut his leg off to set this up.
WOMAN
I did no such thing.
MAN
I want my shoe right now!
WOMAN
Archibald is an independent thinker. He’ll bring your shoe back when he decides the time is right.
MAN
Women do not raise independent thinkers, just ask my mother. I had to fight for every independent thought I have. I want my shoe!
WOMAN
That’s between you and Archibald.
MAN
This whole thing is not real. That’s it! I’m having a nightmare.
WOMAN
This is not a—
(He yells to Archibald.)
MAN
Bring that damn shoe back right now! Don’t let her dictate your life. She’s got you on a mental leash that’s tighter than the fleas on your ass.
WOMAN
Stop yelling. I’ll get your shoe before you corrupt my dog. Then you can go back to your lonely self centered male existence.
MAN
That’s all I’m asking for.
(She exits stage right as he talks to the one legged pigeon.)
Don’t come hopping back here giving me that pigeon stare. Hang around and she’ll break your one good leg and then you’re trapped. That’s how women operate no matter how old they are. Right now she’s figuring a way to—
(As he speaks his shoe is thrown on stage. He is so surprised he stops speaking picks up the shoe, returns to the bench and puts the shoe on.)
That was just a teaser to soften me up. She’s probably bringing that nasty guard dog to keep me from—
(The other shoe is thrown on stage. He stops speaking. picks up the shoe, and returns to the bench.)
Well the woman’s realized she’s met her match. You see the trick is not to give in. Stand your ground. Let them know who’s in charge.
(He puts on the other shoe in a hurry.)
I hate to run but I need to leave before I become sympathetic. Show compassion and she’ll have me right where she wants.
(He exits hurriedly stage left as she enters stage right.)
WOMAN
That was not easy. Archibald really liked that shoe.
(There is a pause as she observes him running away as fast as he can. She sits on the bench and speaks to the pigeon.)
How come you’re still here? I don’t have any hamburgers. Maybe you’re got no where else to go, birds of a feather, rejected. That’s a powerful bond. At least you’re willing to listen. People used to think I was crazy, now they think I’m on my cell phone. Even that doesn’t get attention anymore.
(He enters stage left carrying one shoe and limping. She looks at him.)
MAN
This is not my shoe. That dog probably pulled it out of a hole and buried mine.
WOMAN
Archibald would never do a thing like that.
MAN
It was killing my foot. I need to sit for minute.
WOMAN
It wasn’t your shoe in the first place.
MAN
That pigeon is still here.
WOMAN
He likes my company.
MAN
They bite it off. Did you know that? The other leg—they bite it off. Pigeons get their foot caught in a grating or stuck in nets put on ledges to keep them from landing.
WOMAN
Survival’s a powerful instinct.
MAN
It sure makes you do weird things.
WOMAN
You go on.
MAN
She wouldn’t let go.
WOMAN
You find a way.
MAN
Smothered me, that’s what my Mom did.
WOMAN
You learn to depend on yourself.
MAN
You have too.
WOMAN
You get up every morning hoping for that moment.
MAN
Escape, you finally cut the life line, sink or swim.
WOMAN
A new beginning.
MAN
But the curse continues.
WOMAN
A touch, a look.
MAN
May the guilt be with you, she never says the words but that’s the message every time she calls.
WOMAN
No one calls.
MAN
Middle of the night.
WOMAN
Two kids and no one calls.
MAN
I keep intending to change my number but I can’t do it.
WOMAN
You build your whole life around their needs.
MAN
What if she falls or something.
WOMAN
School, trips to the dentist, ballet classes.
MAN
Since my old man died she’s desperate.
WOMAN
What did I do wrong, that’s what I keep asking?
MAN
Why can’t she let me lead my life?
WOMAN
I call them every day but they act like there are more important things.
MAN
I just want to be left alone.
WOMAN
It’s not what they say, it’s the way the say it.
MAN
At least when I deal with young women I can walk away.
WOMAN
He walked away.
MAN
They act just like me.
WOMAN
It’s not me he left, it’s this life.
MAN
Do you have anymore bread crumbs?
(She reaches in back of the bench and pulls up another shopping bag of bread crumbs. They both take some crumbs and slowly throw them to the pigeon.)
End Of Play
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Jude Bresnan
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 05:18 am |
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First of all, I think you did a very good job with this. I really did like the play as a whole, and I thought it was very well done, in a bittersweet sort of way. It was also rather well paced. Excellent work.
Here are a few critiques:
1. The woman was a fantastic character, well rounded, funny, interesting. The man was less so. He seemed less consistent and lacking in motivation. Give him another reason to stay with the old woman. Something she says, something she does. If I was him, I would have kept walking. Make him stay.
2. This is a little silly, but it seemed that there were ALOT of pigeon metaphors. I understand that this was the central part of the play, but maybe it was a little over used. Maybe I'm just crazy.
But otherwise, fantastic work.
-Jude
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John Watts
Member
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 12:58 pm |
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Hello Jude,
Thanks for the comments. I agree, there is not enough of a hook to hold him there initially. I'll work on that. The pigeon metephors feel right to me but again it is something to look at. I appreciate the input.
The other play I have up on the site, called, The Cranes Are Falling, might interest you. It is a meeting of two London women in the flat, or as it it New York, an apartment. the play attempts to exlore the life long conflict between them. It is the first part of the play and I'm only now beginning to find the arch.
John
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