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billh
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| Joined: | Sat May 31st, 2008 |
| Location: | Missouri USA |
| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: Sun Aug 17th, 2008 10:47 pm |
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Felicity--A brand new lawyer, first day on the job
Sarah--Experienced lawyer
Setting: Interrogation room of a jail
AT RISE: FELICITY and SARAH are discovered, both staring at the door, which just closed, for a moment. (A potential client and guard--both unseen--have just exited.)
FELICITY
This case stinks.
SARAH
Here’s a riddle: This is your first day, so who is the senior partner here?
FELICITY
I don’t have to be a senior partner to spot a stinker.
SARAH
What are you going to do when we get something dredged up from Hell?
FELICITY
This is as nasty as it gets.
SARAH
No. It’s not gotten a bit nasty yet. It’s still at the sweet-smelling stage.
FELICITY
You heard it, same as I did. This one’s slithering around at the bottom of the cesspool.
SARAH
I need your take on this.
FELICITY
Take? I just gave you my take.
SARAH
You told me you didn’t like the cover of our book. I want you to open that book and read me the story. How much is a lie? Some? Part? None? All?
FELICITY
He didn’t even give his right name. I wouldn’t believe him if he said the sun was a ball of fire.
SARAH
When I interview a client, I listen. And watch. A lot of lawyers and judges have desired to see those things which I see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which I hear, and have not heard them.
FELICITY
That sounds like something from the Bible.
SARAH
The Gospel of Matthew...I see and hear. I don’t simply just look and listen; I really see and really hear. It takes training...And experience. I was doing this the day you were born...I looked it up on my calendar.
FELICITY
Give me your wisdom, O Senior Partner!
SARAH
If they don’t touch their face, they’re telling the truth. If they lie, they put their hand close to their mouth. If their eyes dilate, they’re lying...and if you can’t see their eyes, that’s even worse.
(Beat.)
But, then again, maybe not. I’ve seen a lot of liars do a remarkable job of skirting the truth with a fancy dance.
FELICITY
He didn’t touch his face so he’s telling the truth?! That’s a large load. Of course, we left out the really important question.
SARAH
You don’t ask that. Were you sleeping through crim pro and evidence?
FELICITY
No, I got a first in each class, thank you very much. I still have my notes, cross-indexed to each other. Besides, you have to be a social worker to know all that stuff about lying.
SARAH
They don’t teach that in any social work class. I learned it by staring into the faces of hundreds of people while you were puking your grits in your Flintstones high chair. The day they let social workers into law schools was the day the practice of law hit the bottom of a big rock pile. That’s on my calendar, too; I looked it up.
FELICITY
Trounced before I even get to defend myself!
SARAH
All right, then where are the weaknesses?
FELICITY
Other than everything he said, you mean? Okay. Alibi, obviously. That crap about him playing pool with his buddies sounds flaky.
SARAH
Billiards. Not pool. Big difference. He wasn’t where he said he was...but who knows where he was? We get William to do a little snooping.
FELICITY
Willie does a fantastic job.
SARAH
Willie? You don’t call our investigator Willie. It’s William Undercoffler. That what it says on his license and he’s very picky about being called by his correct name.
FELICITY
Yeah...well...Willie knows a lot about a lot of things...I don’t want this case.
SARAH
Why not?
FELICITY
The guy’s sleazy.
SARAH
We’re criminal defense lawyers. Our clients aren’t sweet old grandmas accused of jaywalking. This isn’t the Warm and Fuzzy Foundation. This is a law firm. You and me. Sixth Amendment right to counsel. All that practical idealism.
FELICITY
No, I mean this guy’s filth...real filth. The right to counsel doesn’t apply here. Tom Jefferson and the good old boys could never have conceived of it applying here!
SARAH
You’re wrong. They knew the Bible. “On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Molech.” First Kings.
FELICITY
Never heard of him.
SARAH
Molech was the god who demanded child sacrifices, preferably by throwing them into a fire.
FELICITY
And wise King Solomon built him an altar? I suspect God was a smidgen peeved.
SARAH
So I have read...There’s no Molech here.
FELICITY
What’s the matter with you? You can’t see what’s in front of your face? There are some things that are so obvious that they don’t need explaining. Like judicial notice. A judge doesn’t—
SARAH
I know what judicial notice is.
FELICITY
Some people call it common sense. You see a turtle on a fence post, you know someone put it there.
SARAH
Turtles? Fence posts? That’s a proverb I don’t know. Break it down in little pieces.
FELICITY
What this guy did...you don’t see anything wrong with that?
SARAH
Let’s dead brake that train of thought or we’ll wind up at the wrong station. Let’s stop at “What this guy did.” We don’t know that he “did” anything. We’re his lawyers.
FELICITY
He raped, tortured, and killed a ten-year old girl!
SARAH
No, he did not. That is what he is charged with. We don’t decide if he did anything. That’s for the jury. Those people decide if he’s the second coming of Molech.
FELICITY
And we try to screw with the jury’s mind so this inhuman piece of garbage walks. I want no part of that. Period. End of story. Even if.
SARAH
You don’t understand the legal points, so let me frame this argument in terms of practicalities. He has money. We represent people for money. You know...it’s the stuff you use to buy other stuff when you go to the grocery store.
FELICITY
You drive a Lexus! If we don’t take this case, is the bank going to take your car?
SARAH
I paid cash.
FELICITY
Thank you for making my point. We don’t need this case.
SARAH
What’s it going to be?
FELICITY
No case. Not this one.
SARAH
How many CLE seminars have you been to?
FELICITY
Counting the one we’re going to next week?
SARAH
No.
FELICITY
None.
SARAH
What do you think lawyers talk about on break when they go to CLEs?
FELICITY
Continuing legal education. Ways to do things that benefit your clients. New ideas for managing a practice. Developments in the law. Things like that.
SARAH
Wrong on every count.
FELICITY
What then?
SARAH
They talk about other lawyers. Lawyers are the biggest gossips on the planet. They get paid for standing around and talking. And it’s also their favorite hobby.
FELICITY
Is this going anywhere?
SARAH
What did you score in your criminal law courses?
FELICITY
Score?
SARAH
Your grades.
FELICITY
I aced every one of them. You saw my transcript before you hired me.
SARAH
And good old Judge Phillip Yarborough taught all those classes.
FELICITY
He’s not old. He’s only forty-five...ten years younger than you! He came into a big inheritance and left the bench to teach law school. His first love, he said. He loves the law.
SARAH
And he loves law students too, doesn’t he?
FELICITY
He didn’t grade those exams. His assistant graded...
(Beat.)
What are you saying?
SARAH
I don’t think you paid attention in class. I think you were drooling over the good judge. That means you don’t know squash blossoms about criminal law. That’s no big deal. You graduate from law school and, after paying all that money, the school lies to you and tells you that you’e really smart. Then you get out in the real world. In about a month, you realize that you not only don’t know squash blossoms about the law, you don’t know squash blossoms about Shinola!
FELICITY
Therefore—tell me if I have this right—since I am so ignorant, I should willingly jump right in and defend Molech with all my bleeding heart and sensitive soul. Sorry, sister, but that makes no sense to me.
SARAH
I’ve only got one sister and it’s not you.
(Beat.)
What it means is since you are so ignorant, you should listen to me. I’m the one with the win record.
FELICITY
Willie says all you talk about is winning. I’m not talking about winning.
SARAH
Then get a job as a shoe salesman. What size do you think I wear? Would I look good wearing spike heels?
FELICITY
Salesperson. All you ever wear are sensible brown shoes.
SARAH
I was a nun in my former life. My feet never forget that.
FELICITY
It’s guys like him who make me wonder if I shouldn’t change my stand on capital punishment. I think I’d volunteer for the firing squad.
SARAH
Wrong century. Firing squads went out a long, long time ago. You’d make a lousy vigilante.
FELICITY
You know what I mean.
SARAH
You’d better know what you mean. If you want to be a lawyer, then you swallow the whole thing, hook, line, and one-ton sinker. Every person gets a fair day in court. That really means everything. It’s not just something we give speeches about on Law Day.
FELICITY
Even this...man? This sexual oppressor!?
SARAH
Don’t start with the feminist crap. Leave politics out of it.
FELICITY
Politics!? This evil monster murders one of our sisters and you talk about politics?
SARAH
There’s no oppression here. Evil is an equal opportunity vice. Black, white, straight, gay, male, female, whatever...everyone can be evil if they want to.
(Beat.)
A man stumbles into a cage full of famished tigers. They’re circling him, hungry for breakfast. If they get to eat him, then they have to jump through our hoops first. If they trip on our hoops, then the tigers fall asleep and the cage door opens.
FELICITY
A social worker explained it to us. Lawyers are luna moths.
SARAH
Moths?
FELICITY
Luna moths live for a week. They don’t eat, all they do is breed at least once a day. Then they die.
SARAH
I could go for the daily sex...but I need to eat. I hate sex when I’m hungry. And...that life span is dinky.
FELICITY
It’s metaphorical, of course. Lawyers live for only one thing: the law. The law is a jealous master. When lawyers stop living for the law, then they die.
SARAH
Sounds goofy to me.
FELICITY
Isn’t that what you just said? We’re not supposed to worry about a dead kid or her family or anything else. All we have to do is worry about...our man. And the law.
SARAH
Then didn’t I just make your point again? We are luna moths!
FELICITY
Did he do it? May I ask him if he did it?
SARAH
That beeswax is not on our menu.
FELICITY
Has a lawyer ever killed her client?
SARAH
Thousands...probably millions...of times. Especially if they don’t pay their bill.
FELICITY
(After a long pause.)
Let’s go over our man’s story again. Willie will have lots of questions.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF PLAY)
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Mary Alice
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| Joined: | Mon Feb 19th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 12:15 am |
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Well executed. I tripped at,
FELICITY
Trounced before I even get to defend myself!
but, was able to recover. Food for conversation and thought.
Thank you,
Mary Alice
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billh
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| Joined: | Sat May 31st, 2008 |
| Location: | Missouri USA |
| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 01:16 pm |
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That is a pretty crappy line!
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Current time is 12:15 am | |
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