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castlecat7
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Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2008 06:14 am |
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The time is the present. George Rayner, the golf club captain, returns from a holiday in Africa to some startling news! Apparently……He’s dead!
The Golf Club.
By
Paul Tumilty
Cast.
George Rayner
Ivan Bogoffic
Suzanne Walker
Justin McNab
David Hintlesham
Cindy Hall
The scene is of a golf club professionals shop. When the curtain opens, Ivan Bogoffic is seen sitting behind the counter with his arms and head lying on the counter. He is wearing a ‘beanie’ hat pulled down over his eyes. There is silence.
The door opens and in comes George Rayner the club captain. He strides purposefully across the room spotting Ivan as he goes.
George: ‘Morning Ivan.
There is absolutely no movement from Ivan.
George: (Stopping in his tracks and looking back at Ivan) I said, ‘Good Morning Ivan’.
Nothing! George walks very slowly towards Ivan studying him closely. He looks a bit perplexed then as if the penny has dropped, smiles with satisfaction.
George: Ahh!
He leans on the counter and places his head on his arms a few inches away from Ivan.
George: Annual dinner dance last night?
Ivan: (Groans) Mmmmm.
George: Bit of a beast was it?
Ivan: Mmmmm.
George: Feeling the effects hey!?
Ivan: Mmmmm.
George: Rather I went away and stopped asking silly questions?
Ivan: Mmmmmm.
George: (Shouting) Well I’m not going to you moron! Wake up and join the land of the living.
Ivan: (During this Ivan sits bolt upright and wails aloud. Once George stops speaking, then Ivan screams) Aghh! I’ve gone blind!
George approaches Ivan and removes the beanie hat from his eyes.
Ivan: Thank God for that. I thought the drink had finally got me.
George: Alas no. Nothing has finally got you except me. Your poor suffering employer. And I’m stuck with you.
Ivan is beginning to come round and be aware of his surroundings. He looks at George intently, and then screams again.
Ivan: Aghh! (Horrified) George! Its you!
George looks at Ivan as one would look with sympathy at a deranged person.
George: Brilliant! At least it proves your approaching reality. Of course it’s me! Who were you expecting? Count Dracula?
Ivan: But you’re............ Dead!
There is a stunned silence. George moves first by feeling himself all over.
George: No. No. I don’t think I’m quite dead. A bit overweight and not as young as I used to be but definitely not dead. In fact, I couldn’t be dead. I’ve not been that bad in life to get to be stuck with you for eternity. What the hell do you mean, ‘I’m dead?’
Ivan: B..B..But you are! It was announced last night. Mrs. Pendleton said so. She told us all. ‘Missing whilst on holiday in Africa’. You were eaten by a Lion last Thursday!
George: Ivan. Do I look as though I have been eaten by a Lion last Thursday? Or any other day of the week for that matter? Come on man pull yourself together. Get a grip. My holiday in Africa went off without a hitch. I had a great time. Got back this morning. I saw Lions but managed to avoid having breakfast with them. Or rather being breakfast for them.
Ivan: But Mrs. Pendleton.........( He dies off in mid sentence)
George: Ahh. I had forgotten Mrs. Pendleton. If she says I am dead.........well, it must be so. Pity really, I would have liked a few more years. Get the old handicap down a bit more. Oh well if it’s not to be! ( He pauses) (Shouting) Of course I’m not dead you idiot. What the hell has Mrs. Bloody Pendleton got to do with anything? Look at me. Do I look Dead? Do I look like a corpse? Do I look even vaguely ill?
Ivan: Well a bit peaky perhaps!
George: Peaky. Peaky. I’ll give you peaky you plonker. Cheek. I’m at the full ‘Peak’ of my lifecycle.
At this the door opens and in walks Suzanne Walker. She picks up a box of golf balls.
Suzanne: Hi Ivan. Feeling better after last night? What a good do. Best we’ve had yet. Pity about George though. What a way to go. Be a sweetie and put these on my account will you. Got to rush. Teeing of in a sec. Love you. (She exits).
George and Ivan look stunned at each other. They both look out towards the audience. They scream.
Blackout!
The scene is the same a second later. Both are still screaming.
Ivan: She didn’t see you! She didn’t see you! I told you, you were dead but oh no, Ivan the idiot must be wrong. Couldn’t possibly be right. He listens to the ravings of Mrs. Pendleton. Oh no, she must be wrong as well. Yes, we’re all wrong don’t you know. And you, the great Captain of the Golf Club can’t even tell whether you’re dead or not! (He stops in mid flow and looks quizzically at George) What’s it like?
George: (Still a bit shell shocked) What?
Ivan: Being dead? What’s it like?
George: (Feeling himself again) I don’t know. Nothing. Nothing different that is. I don’t feel any different. Do I look different?
Ivan: Not really. You look the same as you did before. Before your demise that is....perhaps just a little peaky!
George: Don’t start on that ‘peaky’ nonsense again!
They both lapse into silence. Each thinking. Suddenly, Ivan stares at George, points at him and screams again.
Ivan: Aghh!
George: Will you stop doing that! What the hell’s the matter now?
Ivan: I just thought. If you’re dead then you’re a ghost...and I’m frightened of ghosts!
George: Just how many ghosts have you met Ivan?
Ivan: You’re the first.
George: So what are you frightened of you ninny? You know me.
Ivan: I know. That’s the point. You scared me when you were living let alone now.
George: Oh calm down you idiot. I’m the one who should be scared.... I’m the one who’s dead.........allegedly!
Ivan: What do mean ‘allegedly’? How dead do you have to be to be certain?
George: Look. You can see me. I can even touch you. (He touches Ivan. Ivan screams) STOP DOING THAT! The only proof we have is Suzanne Walker coming in here and not seeing me. She’s as blind as a bat in the first instance. Have you seen the lenses on her glasses? She’s no guide to decide if I’m dead or not.
At that the door opens and two golfers enter. One is Justin McNab a, club member, and the other is his guest David Hintlesham, a local solicitor.
Justin: ‘Morning Ivan. Lovely day for it. I’d like to sign my friend Mr. Hintlesham in. He’s thinking of joining. He’s new to the area and just joined the local solicitors practice in the village. I take it its still £12 a round for guests?
Ivan: Yes. Yes. £12.
George: ‘Morning Justin. How lovely to see you and Mr. Hintlesham was it? Welcome, (introducing himself to Hintlesham. He offers his hand by way of introduction) George Rayner, Club Captain, pleased to meet you.
Hintlesham puts his hand forward and walks towards George as if going to shake his hand, but walks past George and picks up a golf club from a rack behind George.
David: What a super looking club. It’s a Honma isn’t it? The best Japan can make. Cost a fortune but perfectly made and balanced so I’m told.
George: (To David) Excuse me? Er..Hello? I was welcoming you to Grass Meads Golf Club. (To Ivan) Is he deaf? (To David) Am I invisible or something?
Justin: Come on David. You’ll need more than just expensive clubs to beat me!
George: Oi! Has common curtsey left the planet whilst I have been away?
Justin: (To David whilst paying the £12 fee to Ivan) By the way. You may have heard that we have just lost our club Captain. Nasty business. Holidaying in Africa. Eaten by a Lion apparently. Still, no chance of that on the third hole here, what? Ha. ha. Come along then let’s head for the first tee. Thanks Ivan. See you later. (They exit)
George and Ivan look at each other. They look forward to the audience. They scream.
Blackout.
The scene is the same a second later. Both are still screaming.
Ivan: They didn’t see you. They didn’t see you. How many times must you not be seen to know you are dead? What is it with you? Can’t you just accept it and go?
George: Go? Go where?
They both stop talking and think about ‘where’. Ivan makes a couple of attempts to start to say something but decides not to speak on both occasions. They ponder in silence.
Ivan: George? If it’s true and you really are dead because you were eaten by a lion, how come you’re all together? You know, in one piece? How’s that work then?
George: How the hell should I know? I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I might be dead. Being in one piece at this moment in time seems to be a bonus fact. Anyway, what am I saying? Dead, I can’t be dead. It’s preposterous. Ludicrous. Insane…….That’s it!…..Insane…….you’re insane!
Ivan: I’m what?
George: You’re insane. That’s what has happened. Only you can see me therefore I’m a figment of your imagination. Just like kids! I’m your imaginary friend!
Ivan: Who mentioned the word ‘friend’?
George: But that’s it, don’t you see? When those people came in they couldn’t see me, only you could. Therefore you must be the one who’s insane! See? Simple!
Ivan: Aren’t you forgetting something George? If you’re a figment of my imagination, you don’t exist!
They stare at each other as this information sinks in.
George: Damn!
They ruminate awhile.
Ivan: Let’s look at the facts. You’re dead ‘cause you were eaten by a lion, in Africa, last Thursday. However, you’re here, I can see you, touch you and talk to you but others can’t. Therefore there is the faint possibility that you are a figment of my imagination.
So, to sum up….your dead and I’m insane.
The door opens. Cindy Hall, a waitress, walks through the shop and exits through the door to the restaurant.
Cindy: ‘Morning Ivan, lovely day. ‘Morning George, had a nice holiday? (She exits)
George and Ivan look at each other, stunned. They look out at the audience. They scream.
Blackout.
The scene is the same a second later. They are both still screaming.
George: She saw me! She saw me! I knew I wasn’t dead. I just knew it.
Ivan rushes after Cindy and drags her back into the shop.
Ivan: Cindy, now this is terribly important. Who am I?
Cindy: (Looking a bit perplexed) You’re Ivan, Ivan.
Ivan: Right. Now. Where are we?
Cindy: We’re in the shop Ivan.
Ivan: Very good Cindy. Now, Am I here alone?
Cindy: (looking round) No, of course not silly.
Ivan: Brilliant! Who’s here with me Cindy?
Cindy: Well I am Ivan. Look, stop messing about. I got work to do.
Ivan: What? No, no, no. I mean is there anyone else here apart from you and me?
Cindy: (She takes a good look round) Only Mr. Rayner!
At this Ivan and George grab each other and do a small jig together.
Ivan & George: Yes, yes, yes. (Singing like children) She can see the two of us, she can see the two of us.
They stop their jig.
Ivan: Oh well done Cindy. Now look at Mr. Rayner. Does he look as if he’s been eaten by a lion?
Cindy: Don’t be daft. He’d be all bloody and have bits missing if he’d been eaten by a lion.
Ivan: Even better. Even better.
Cindy: Anyway, ghosts always appear whole no matter how they died.
George and Ivan freeze. There is silence.
Ivan: What did you say?
Cindy: I said, ghosts always appear whole no matter how they died.
Ivan: What ghost?
Cindy: Why, Mr. Rayner of course. As I said, if it was real Mr. Rayner then he’d be all bloody and have bits missing due to the fact he was eaten by a lion last Thursday, so as he ain’t all bloody and got no bits missing, he’s got to be his ghost. You are funny Ivan. Don’t you know nothing? (She exits to the restaurant).
George: Bugger! Bugger!
Ivan: I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it. I know it’s crazy but it must be true. Your dead and I’m losing my mind. George, you must remember something? Where you were, what happened, fur, teeth, blood, great tearing sounds of flesh being ripped from bone………something surely? What was the last thing you remember?
George: I’m not sure.
Ivan: Well think man, think.
The next piece George delivers with his eyes shut as if seeing in his mind the rolling plains themselves.
George: I remember being in Africa. The heat. The smell of animal dung and diesel from the land rover mixing together. The swaying along the unmade roads, jerking and bouncing over potholes. The sight of giraffe, wildebeest, rhinoceros and elephant.
Ivan: (Peering closely to George as if trying to see what George is seeing) See any lions about?
George opens his eyes and gives Ivan a look of distain.
Ivan: Sorry!
He looks forward to audience and closes his eyes once again. However almost immediately he opens his eyes wide and looks frightened. He grabs Ivan and the two of them are now clutching each other facing the audience
George: Oh my God! I see them……..(whispered) Lions!
Ivan: Holy Shit!
George: (Whispered) They’re circling us. Getting closer, closer. I can almost smell them.
A pause. Ivan wafts his hand before his nose but says nothing.
George: Shhh! Don’t move. That one over there. The big feller. See him? (Ivan nods furiously) He’s coming round. What a specimen. He’s huge, gigantic. Look at the muscles in those hindquarters. Look at those claws. Those teeth!……Wait….. He’s crouching. Preparing to attack. He…..he’s…..(They both look at each other. They look out to the audience. They scream.
Blackout.
The scene is the same a second later, except that Ivan is alone and screaming on his own. He becomes aware he is alone and his screams die slowly. He is perplexed and looks around the shop obviously looking for George. The door opens and in walks George, Suzanne, Justin and David.
Ivan: There you all are. Where did you lot get to?
They all ignore him.
George: Yes, yes I know. Terrible. Tragic. Tragic. And so young. We will all miss him. Good professionals are hard to find these days. Poor, poor Ivan. ……And what a way to go…….eaten by a lion!
Ivan looks towards audience. He screams.
Blackout
End.
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