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Jude Bresnan
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 12:40 am |
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This is a revised version of the first scene from my original play, entitled THE RAW. I started from scratch, revised the characters, changed the stage directions, and changed the dialogue. Please leave good criticism. This will be the hardest scene to write (except for the final one, which is going to have a lot of complicated dialogue), because it is not hugely plot driven and I just want to set up the characters and the scene. Thanks
-Jude
THE RAW
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
DARIUS- an American man in his late twenties, thin and tall, with a sharp face. He looks his age, or younger, and acts as such. Black hair.
CONRAD- a big-boned Russian man, in his late thirties, with short black hair. Seems big and intimidating because of his size. He speaks with a very thick Russian accent.
ANTON- an American man in his mid-thirties, although he looks older. He is not fat, but not thin, and does have some muscle. Brown hair and a face that was once soft, but is now very hard.
FILIP- a Polish man in his mid twenties, the youngest man in the cabin. He has thin body, and a thin face. He has blonde hair and a very innocent young face.
ELROY- an American man in his early thirties. In shape, with a relatively thin figure. Brown hair.
BENJAMIN- an American man in his late twenties. Has a thin figure and dark eyes. His face is soft, and he is a regular height.
SETTING
The cabin stands in an unknown part of the world that is freezing over, and getting colder by the day. The cabin itself is rather rustic and crudely made out of wood and intermittent pieces of metal. The cabin is insulated heavily with a special material that allows the soldiers to survive. The water pipes are heated with an unseen machines so that the water runs, and the lights are run by weak electric generator. Outside of the cabin, the soldiers have to wear heavy clothing.
On stage right- there is a separate room, seen by the audience, that acts as a passage way to the outside. This room holds an old hat rack, lines of boots, and boxes of heavy clothing, including snow-pants and jackets. The central room is in a state of disorder. There is an old couch, a chair with a footstool, a metal table, and a wooden table. Around the furniture, the soldiers have set up spaces where they sleep. We see sleeping bags, pillows, metal boxes, ARMY bags, clothes, jackets, socks, rifles, ammunition etc. where the soldiers sleep. The room is a disaster. Up stage, there is a small window next to a thermostat. There is a door on stage left, which leads to a bathroom. This cannot be seen by the audience. Upstage, there is another door, which leads to a supply room, lighted by a hanging lamp seen when the door is open, filled with food, clothing, guns, ammo, and other things of that nature. It can only be seen when the door is open.
PROLOGUE
(Lights are out. An unknown voice starts to speak from an intercom. There is a lot of static. The voice is strangely familiar.)
VOICE: I know that these are difficult times, not just for us, but for all countries of the world. The idea of a third World War is alarming, an idea that will hopefully remain solely an idea, and never a reality. Nevertheless, you can rest easier knowing that our government has been hard at work, doing everything possible to ensure the security of our great nation. I promise you that. And I promise you that life will get better. For all of us. (Pause) The world is a dangerous and unpredictable place today, and I assure you that we are trying to do everything in our power to avoid a nuclear holocaust. Your safety is our first and only priority. (Pause) We ask you to continue to persevere for the sake of this country, until this crisis has been averted. As soon as it has, the standard of living will go up again, and social and medical issues will be addressed. But for now, our main focus has been the strengthening of our army and the advancement of our weaponry. The United States army is now the largest in the world, big enough to destroy most major powers. Soon, I will be able to put a stop to the temporary CoD plan, also known as the Call of Duty initiative. I, along with the Secretary of Defense, have now developed a plan, designated as the Worldwide Expansion Campaign, or WEC, that should insure our complete security as a nation. For security reasons, I am not at liberty to disclose the details of this plan, but you can be sure that we are now prepared for anything that might occur in the coming months, and years. Do not fear; remember you are safe. God bless you all, and have a good night.
(The voice stops. The stage stays black for a few seconds, until the lights slowly come up on...)
ACT I
Scene I
(The lights come up on the cabin. DARIUS is sitting in the chair, CONRAD is on the left side of the couch reading a thick book, and ANTON is sleeping in the background. Silence at first.)
DARIUS: I never really do this, but I went on one of these chat rooms, where you're supposed to meet people, you know? Any way, I started talking to this girl, who called herself "sweetcheeks47." Wouldn't give me a real name. So, we talked for a while, about things we liked our what we did, nothing all that suggestive, and then she said that she had to go, and that was it. I assumed these places were breeding grounds for perverts and child-molesters, but this girl seemed okay. So later, I went to the chat room, and we talked again. And this was how it went. We talked about nonsense, what we did that that day, what our pets names were, you know, bullshit. Anyway, after a week or so of this routine, she asked me to meet her. And I said yes. I had no objection to meeting someone, I could have used a little action anyway. She tells me to meet her at this airport restaurant in an hour. So I get there right on time. I look in the restaurant, and I see a bartender, and a thirteen-or-so girl sitting in the corner. I assumed she was the daughter of the owner or waiting for her parents or whatever. So I wait for ten minutes, no one. Another fifteen, still nothing. After ten minutes more, I decided that she ditched me, and I was just gonna ask the bartender if anyone had called for me. I asked, and he said no. But he pointed to the girl in the corner and told me that she was waiting for someone. It was like a hit to the head. The girl I was supposed to meet was a teenage girl. I got the hell out of there, before the cops bursted out or something. I mean, it was insane. She asked me. Not the other way around. That was, I don't know, two years ago. Last time I ever tried seeing a woman. It doesn't even matter to me anymore. Relationships don't work, from what I know. I mean, sometimes, I look for some fun, but it doesn't even matter to me who I'm doing. They may as well have a goddamn paper bag over their head. I just do my business.
(No response from CONRAD)
DARIUS: Hey, Conrad? Conrad? Conrad! (CONRAD looks over) Ya, you. Look, I'm not going to be able to do this, talking mindless bullshit with a mute, for another two months. I mean, a nod or a wink, a smile, a giggle, or something. I feel like I'm talking to nothing. And it gets more and more difficult every day Conny. I mean, give me something. Some sort of sign that I'm not talking to a dead person. This (gesticulates) is what separates us from the animals: being able to talk to each-other and communicate, instead of sniffing each other's asses. I'm not sure what you do in good ole' Russia, but in America, we talk. I mean, all you ever do is look at that book. I mean, what is it? (Goes over and takes it from him) Learning English. (Laughs) The cat is in the house. The fox is in the box. Well, you might be learning English, but you'll only be able to talk like Dr. Suess. (Laughs) Well, keep on learning. We've got another two months to do nothing, why not use it?
(ANTON gets up)
DARIUS: When did you wake up?
ANTON: Just now. You think you could cut down on the shouting? Who you shouting at anyway?
DARIUS: Conny over there. He's mute, and for all I know, he's deaf too.
ANTON: Give him a break. He doesn't know English.
DARIUS: Thats a problem then. What the hell's he doing in the US army? Is the government so short on troops that they need to dress up illegal immigrants in army costumes?
(No response from ANTON. He is in the back at the table, looking at the thermostat.)
DARIUS: Hey, I'm talking to you ass wipe.
ANTON: Oh shut up.
DARIUS: So I got to talk to two dead guys now?
ANTON: Suck it up.
DARIUS: I think I'll kill myself now. (Picks up one of the old newspapers from the table.) Then I can be a dead man too.
ANTON: Did you see this?
DARIUS: See what?
ANTON: The thermostat. It's broken.
DARIUS: It ain't broken.
ANTON: The temperature on its too low. It can't be that cold. Its seven degrees colder than it was yesterday. It should be getting warmer.
DARIUS: Freekin' miracle of nature, I guess.
ANTON: We would all be dead men if this was real.
DARIUS: No, we got that insulation stuff packed into the walls.
ANTON: Not enough to keep out this type of cold.
DARIUS: Just ask Elroy about about it when he gets back.
ANTON: Elroy is not the only man who can fix a goddamn thermostat.
DARIUS: What's your problem with Elory? He's... helpful.
ANTON: I'm just saying that we don't have to keep relying on Elroy for everything. If he died today, none of you would have any idea of what to do. You all would be completely stopped in your tracks.
DARIUS: Ignorance is bliss.
ANTON: No. Ignorance is ignorance.
(Silence)
ANTON: We have any more coffee left?
DARIUS: I don't know. Check the storage room. (ANTON goes to the storage room, and leaves the sight of the audience. He comes out with a small box, a bottle of water, and a mug that he puts on the back table. He makes his coffee.)
ANTON: You think the captain came back last night?
DARIUS: (Interested in his paper) Maybe.
ANTON: Well, did you see him come back?
DARIUS: No.
ANTON: This man isn't a captain. He is has a ghost. All the captains I've been with have been in the front of the operation, making sure people stay in line, but this guy gives us an order, disappears for hours on end, comes back randomly, and claims to run the show.
DARIUS: He does run it.
ANTON: Then he should act like it. Nine years ago, when I was stationed in Western China, my group has this-
DARIUS: No, no, no, no war stories. I can't deal with that crap. You talk like an aged veteran. It's unbearable.
ANTON: You're right, maybe breaking your jaw would prove the same point-
DARIUS: All right, lets not be so quick to resort to violence. Let's use our words, not our hands.
ANTON: Just watch it asshole. (Long pause) I mean, a captain should act like a captain. This guy acts like a man with something to hide and nothing to lose. Not a man of authority. If I was in charge, at least I would be a man who took charge and cared for his men.
DARIUS: Honestly, I think he's doing a bang-up job. I don't really want to see him all that much, and I guess he feels the same way about us. I appreciate it. And how much more could he do? We do this dead-end job everyday until we get the orders. And if we don't get them, we go home in a few months.
ANTON: Well, I am sick of waiting. I've been waiting for nothing for fifteen years, in different parts of the world. If there's going to be a war, I say get it over with. I would prefer to fight than to rot.
DARIUS: How about you tell that to the captain when he gets back.
ANTON: If he ever gets back. He's been gone for two days. Maybe he made a run for it.
DARIUS: Because making a run for it makes complete sense. Running away from a cold barren wasteland, and chasing more cold and barren wasteland.
ANTON: If there's nothing out there, why were we blindfolded when they took us here?
DARIUS: To save us the despair of realizing that we might as well be sealed in a dark, cold box.
ANTON: (Pause) He's disappeared for longer times. He'll be back by dark.
DARIUS: Fantastic. I'm glad we've progressed. (Continues to read his paper)
(Pause)
ANTON: You think we would have made a move by now, but not a single person since the launch of our program has died as a result of combat.
CONRAD: They are scared. (DARIUS and ANTON look over to CONRAD. They are surprised) Yes. All countries are afraid to move. Don't want war but also need to protect the country, because the war is possible.
DARIUS: First goddamn thing I've heard him say in a week. (Goes back to his paper)
CONRAD: I talk when is necessary. You talk ehhh... bullshit.
DARIUS: You son of a bitch, I'm going to rip your goddamn head off- (DARIUS gets up and goes to CONRAD. CONRAD doesn't move. ANTON gets between them)
ANTON: Oh sit down. Don't be childish.
DARIUS: Childish? He insulted me. I deserve justice.
ANTON: You deserve nothing, now sit back down.
DARIUS: When did you become the goddamn mediator?
ANTON: Just now. I said sit down.
DARIUS: Now your the "tough guy," eh? First your the "rebel," and then you're the "curious one," and now you're the "tough guy." Feel good? High on your perch, right where you want to be, now the protecter of the townspeople. You are such a phony bastard it makes me want to throw up- (ANTON loses his temper. He hits DARIUS right in the face. DARIUS goes flying across the room, landing on the ground. He holds his mouth in pain as he shouts out into his hand. ANTON is quiet, as is CONRAD) Aaahhh, you son of a bitch! I think you knocked out one of my goddamn teeth! (He gets up, steering clear of ANTON and goes into the restroom, leaving the door open.) Son of a bitch! Aaahhh! (DARIUS is quiet as he washes his face off, not seen by the audience.)
CONRAD: Sorry. To start fight. He said bad things to me.
ANTON: It's alright. He'll be fine. (CONRAD returns to his book. ANTON stares. ANTON speaks to CONRAD like a man to a child) Conrad? If you don't mind me asking, how did you get here? (CONRAD looks at him, confused) I mean, how did you get to be in the Army? The U.S. Army. You're from Russia right? (He nods) Well, why are you in the U.S. Army?
CONRAD: I joined. (ANTON stares at him, sighs, and walks in the other direction back to the thermostat. Taps it. DARIUS comes out of the bathroom with a wad of bloody paper towels tightly pressed against his face.)
DARIUS: Jerk off. I'm going to look like a goddamn retard now. (Suddenly ELROY, FILIP, and BENJAMIN enter into the entrance room on stage right. ELROY carries a contraption that looks like a metal detector.)
ANTON: The others are back.
DARIUS: Fantastic.
CONRAD: How many?
ANTON: (Looking out the window) All three.
(The three other soldiers come into the central room. They are tired and cold.)
ANTON: How was it?
ELROY: Hell.
DARIUS: So, normal?
ELROY: It is the coldest its ever been. But it should be closer to freezing point soon enough.
BENJAMIN: Anything but now is too far away.
ELROY: Two days more of this, at most, until warms up. Just hold in there. (Notices FILIP shivering violently) You alright Filip?
FILIP: (Stutters) Ya, I'll be fine. Just give me a minute.
ELROY: Need some coffee?
FILIP: Water heater still broken?
ELROY: Ya.
FILIP: No thanks then. I'll be fine in a minute.
ELROY: Alright. Hey, you (Points to ANTON, DARIUS and CONRAD) it's your turn to go out. Get ready.
ANTON: Shit. (ANTON and CONRAD begin to get ready. DARIUS stalls. They all begin to put on heavy clothing.)
DARIUS: If I may ask, why the hell are we still doing this? Why don't we just say we did? The captains not going to know. Why make ourselves suffer? I mean, look at Filly over there. He's half dead. It is a risk to the mission to continue the mission.
ANTON: We're doing this so get ready, you lazy shit.
DARIUS: What? So now that I say what everybody's thinking, I am the one who is insulted.
FILIP: (Sitting on the couch. Having an unrelated discussion with BENJAMIN) How much more land did we cover today?
BENJAMIN: I don't know. Maybe two, three feet.
ANTON: The only thing I'm thinking about is hitting you again if you don't get ready.
DARIUS: (Begins to get ready) All I'm trying to do is make life more pleasant for all of us. And I'm being persecuted.
FILIP: Thats not very far, is it? And we out there for three hours or so.
BENJAMIN: Its not very far at all. We covered what we could.
DARIUS: I think that just because it is coming out of my mouth, its stupid. But if Elroy says it, you're all over him.
BENJAMIN: Seems more and more just like an exercise in futility.
FILIP: Maybe. But then why would we be doing it?
BENJAMIN: Stalls cabin fever.
DARIUS: All I'm saying is that we haven't found anything yet, and were probably not going to find anything. We don't even know what we're looking for.
ELROY: Sure we do. Mines, bases, military bits and pieces.
FILIP: So you think we're just waiting here, and to keep us from killing each other, we look for something that isn't there?
BENJAMIN: Maybe. What the hell do I know.
FILIP: Well, it seems a little...never mind.
(CONRAD is ready. Without a word, he picks up his gun, the metal contraption, and walks out the door. All stare.)
DARIUS: What the hell is wrong with him?
ELROY: He's efficient. Stop stalling and get outside.
DARIUS: I'm not stalling. (ANTON is ready. Picks up his gun and leaves)
ELROY: Then get out there. (ELROY takes DARIUS by the jacket, and drags him to the entrance room.)
DARIUS: Hey! I don't have my boots yet. (ELROY pushes DARIUS out the door. He throws a pair of boots out with him before slamming the door.)
FILIP: You don’t trust the government, do you?
BENJAMIN: I’ve been known to be a tad skeptic about the reliability of our government.
FILIP: But, do you think, they’re...
BENJAMIN: What?
FILIP: Cruel?
BENJAMIN: I don’t know. I wouldn’t rule anything out.
ELROY: Hey, I’m going to try and grab a little shut eye. Could you wake me up if the captain comes back?
FILIP: Sure.
ELROY: Thanks. (Goes into the back and lays down)
FILIP: Hey Ben, what day is it?’
BENJAMIN: Tuesday. March 2nd.
FILIP: I thought it was November.
BENJAMIN: Maybe. (They stare.)
BLACKOUT
END OF SCENE ILast edited on Wed Aug 20th, 2008 04:40 pm by Jude Bresnan
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Jude Bresnan
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 12:41 am |
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Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks
-Jude
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John Watts
Member
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Posted: Sun Aug 24th, 2008 04:30 am |
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Hello Jude,
Opening with an extended monologue can be deadly. The audience wants to discover the story as it evolves. Give them only what they need to move to the next discovery. The action of the play should give us enough information to understand what’s going on without the need for a preamble.
The voices are not specific. The characters sound the same. Even if they come from the same town, same family etc. there would be a rhythm, a phrasing, a choice of repeated use of words that would be different.
Generally speaking, less is more. You give us enough information to understand the circumstance very quickly in the exchange of dialogue. If the conflict has no direction the audience becomes bored.
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solarcirclegirl
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Posted: Tue Aug 26th, 2008 08:20 am |
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I agree with the above comments.
I do, however, like the speech from the beginning. It wouldn't be a bad idea to save it for perhaps later in the play or something to that effect. Since I haven't read the whole play, I don't know where it's going. But this could be used well later in the play, especially if the speech is read to be ironic.
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