| Author | Post |
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Martin H
Member
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 11:46 am |
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Please May I Live?
COMEDIAN
So knie mir izitska 'funnyman' me niemze topna?
INTERPRETER
Have you heard the one about the standup comedian whose career was a joke?
COMEDIAN
Smerjemsni'a hempna pisto customizae excre potenz cie sril mutenz'na 'funnyman' (claps hands over mouth).
INTERPRETER
Some kill by noose, gun, really big missile, chemical, poison or germ, but a comic kills with gags.
COMEDIAN
Sie retailzen (hands over mouth) y zemesz nie nie nie ense lingocop?
INTERPRETER
But what good is killer material if nobody nobody nobody else speaks your language? That's not entirely true, actually. I understand his language and could speak it if I cared to. (Comedian glares.)
JUDGE 1
Was that all one joke? I didn't think he said that much.
INTERPRETER
It's a a complex, compressed language but everything after 'speaks your language' was on my own hook I'm afraid. Sorry.
COMEDIAN(to Interpreter)
Ja zemsk'ia mido ni'enst ka dri'ia?
INTERPRETER
Why should I abandon my beautiful native tongue?
COMEDIAN
Yi stumpf di'u kashto a. . . a. . . represem?
INTERPRETER
And why make stupid comments of your own instead of translating?
COMEDIAN
Si za'dyie ikso tem dollarzin. . . glama. . . carno?
INTERPRETER
Gumming up my one chance at fortune, fame and huge sex? I did say sorry.
JUDGE 2
I'm not sure this is getting us anywhere.
JUDGE 3
I'm inclined to agree with your intepreter Mr. . . (long pause)
JUDGE 1
Don't dare try pronouncing the name either eh?
JUDGE 2
I'd be the first to admit--the political correctness implications. . .
JUDGE 1/2/3
EXACTLY! If we happened to pronounce it wrong.
COMEDIAN
Lingo mi genca i'lu ja pienska!
INTERPRETER
The language of my people is beautiful!
COMEDIAN
Si cie roundglobe nie ma lingocop?
INTERPRETER
Even if nobody on earth but me speaks it anymore. Or 'understands it anymore', 'lingocop' can be translated in both senses, but I understand it so he's exaggerating a little. (Comedian glares.) Sorry. (Aside.) Pardon me for living.
COMEDIAN
Si cie (hand over mouth) repartza cucuchu zumzum 'funny business funnyman' pietsra vito lingo.
INTERPRETER
If my gags and jokes make me successful everywhere as the world's greatest comedian, perhaps my people's holy language will live.
JUDGE 1
Is there a punch line coming? Because none of that struck me as funny at all.
JUDGE 2
Maybe it's a long setup.
JUDGE 3
Payoff better be really spectacular.
COMEDIAN
Herzen sie je'ame t'semi z'o carozenatz.
INTERPRETER
I pour out my heart and my cruel judges demand punch lines.
JUDGE 1
Well this is a comedy competition.
JUDGE 2
Traumatic intensity's a bonus, sure.
COMEDIAN
Subo'zna c'artesie 'funnyman' ex'atisva pum! pum! pum!
JUDGE 3
Heartfelt sincerity's neither here nor there.
INTERPRETER
The curse of the standup--'on! on! on!' or nobody's listening.
JUDGE 2
Well it's not as if anyone's holding a gun to his head!
JUDGE 1
You do what you can with your God-given life skills.
JUDGE 3
Architects make buildings, artists make whatever, who even knows these days.
JUDGE 1/2/3
COMEDIANS MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
JUDGE 1
Social conscience is all right too.
COMEDIAN(waves hand dismissively)
Sie tutka keremzin.
INTERPRETER
Everybody's a critic.
JUDGE 2
Theoretically maybe.
JUDGE 3
How many are professionals?
JUDGE 1/2/3
How many know what they're talking about?
JUDGE 1
How many have the pulse of nations
JUDGE 1/2/3
Under their fingers?
JUDGE 2
How many make and break
JUDGE 1/2/3
Hearts and careers every day?
JUDGE 3
How many would even listen
JUDGE 1/2/3
This long to a comic who can't speak English?
COMEDIAN
Anglisce 'five seven'.
INTERPRETER
English is my fifty seventh language. (Eyes comedian skeptically.)
JUDGE 3
What do they call you--Heinz?
INTERPRETER
I don't vouch for any of his claims.
JUDGE 2
So prove it--talk English already.
INTERPRETER
I don't vouch for any of his claims.
JUDGE 1
This dying language cause of yours
JUDGE 1/2/3
You can take it to the United Nations or whatever.
JUDGE 1
We're telling you this for your own betterment.
JUDGE 2
Not to hurt your feelings if any.
JUDGE 3
YOu need to be tough to make it in this business.
JUDGE 1/2/3
You need to be tough to survive in the world altogether.
JUDGE 2
The world altogether's a bitch.
JUDGE 3
A bitch in the altogether.
COMEDIAN
Kro spietzen (makes drinking motion)
INTERPRETER
Three talent judges walk into a bar.
JUDGE 1
What's this? What's this?
JUDGE 1/2/3
What's this? What's this?
COMEDIAN
Yo'sti semni a'a kropotni ashto (Interpreter laughs.) Aksenash mie gym popo arrondissement (Longer laugh.) Ist'v'na niem? niem? yapopo chipchum exiva eva neva mistroen. Mistroeva? nie mistren. (By now the interpreter is laughing steadily.) Nie mistreun miracla nie. (Wags finger sagely, which causes interpreter to collapse on the floor with laughter.) Yo shistno ya'zva minzsemko zipta lavam'nie 'virgin sacrifice' cabal prostratsie. (The interpreter, rolling on the floor, pounds the boards and howls with laughter as the comedian bows in every direction to rising and cresting waves of canned laughter and applause. Which finally subside.)
JUDGE 1
Well! someobody likes this stuff it seems.
JUDGE 2
Even if they don't know what it means.
JUDGE 3
Even if they've been dead for fifty years.
JUDGE 1/2/3
Mind letting us in on the joke?
INTERPRETER
(finally bringing his laughter under control, stands up, opens mouth to speak--pauses)
JUDGE 1
Whenever you're ready.
INTERPRETER
(opens mouth to speak--pauses again, perplexed)
JUDGE 2
We do have other potential careers to adjudicate.
JUDGE 3
Some of these hopefuls have been waiting all their lives, maybe longer.
INTERPRETER
Istarts to speak again--pauses. Starts--pauses. Finally)
I'm sorry. Some jokes just won't translate.
JUDGE 1/2/3
Then how did they know what he was saying?
INTERPRETER
You had to be there.
JUDGE 1
We were there.
JUDGE 2
What are you talking about?
Just to make sure, all three judges touch themselves and each other.)
JUDGE1/2/3(satisfied)
We most definitely were here!
INTERPRETER
You weren't in the moment.
JUDGE 3
Of course we were in the moment.
JUDGE 1/2/3
Where else would anyone be?
JUDGE 1
It's not as if the moment ever goes anywhere.
JUDGE 2
It's not as if it stays so you can grasp it.
JUDGE 3
Grey hair, faltering steps, bludgeons of time
JUDGE 1/2/3
Irrevocable time! Be that as it may.
JUDGE 1
The reaction of this audience has made me ponder.
JUDGE 2
The laughter of the dead always gives me pause.
JUDGE 3
I think I speak for all of us when I say
JUDGE 1/2/3
Perhaps our judgment was a little hasty.
JUDGE 1
We're not saying it's any easy road to glory.
JUDGE 2
Collect a million hits on YouTube though
JUDGE 3
You may find you're talking our language.
JUDGE 1/2/3
Ten million hits and everyone will be talking yours.
JUDGE 1
Ten million hits
JUDGE 2
You may become a talking point
JUDGE 3
At the UN General Assembly
JUDGE 1/2/3
Certainly at watering holes and water coolers in most of the world's nations.
JUDGE 1
Everywhere YouTube is relevant and reverently attended to.
JUDGE 2
Everywhere the unique language of comedy is spoken.
JUDGE 3
Everywhere people pull for the successful underdog.
JUDGE 1/2/3
Then we'll talk turkey or whatever it's called in your language.
COMEDIAN
'Turkey' nie zum zum nata'ska.
INTERPRETER
Turkeys were unknown in my country.
COMEDIAN
'Turkey' za czem (makes scary face, holds hand up to knee level)
INTERPRETER
'Turkey' was a boogyman used to terrify children.
COMEDIAN
Nie poludy papchen crad lei zum/ Ja zie duchun! (Begins to sob.)
INTERPRETER
I'm not sorry my father burned to death. There! I've said it.
(Looks as if about to burst out sobbing, but after a pause thinks better of it.)
JUDGE 1
Well. . . (looks back and forth at colleagues) Not one of your best bits I don't think.
JUDGE 2
In the beginning at least I think I speak for all of us
JUDGE 3
When I say you'd be best sticking with the tried and true.
JUDGE 1/2/3
At least until you have a secure fan base.
(An air of embarrassment hangs over proceedings until the comedian, slowly, brings convulsive sobs under control.)
JUDGE 1
Look how well that last bit went over.
JUDGE 2
Daring--a joke about three talent judges who went into a bar.
JUDGE 3
But I can take a joke at my own expense as well as anyone.
JUDGE 1/2/3
We can take a joke at our own expense as well as everyone.
COMEDIAN
Sie talkaczem zjer'isk iski mna'a.
INTERPRETER
All of us are jokes at our own expense. (Begins to sob.)
(The judges look perplexed, but a well of canned laughter and applause suddenly decides them. They laugh.)
JUDGE 1
See? Now you're in your groove.
JUDGE 2
People burning up are rarely very funny.
JUDGE 3
Not since the middle ages at least.
JUDGE 1/2/3
One million hits on YouTube and we'll draw up the papers. Next!
BLACKOUT.
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billh
Member
| Joined: | Sat May 31st, 2008 |
| Location: | Missouri USA |
| Posts: | 17 |
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Posted: Tue Aug 19th, 2008 10:45 pm |
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The laughter of the dead always gives me pause.
I certainly love that line!
I think this definitely has possibilities.
Those reality talent shows (or whatever they're called) are not my favorite things to watch, but it would seem a good spot to expose someone's vulnerabilities, as was done here.
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