The Playwrights Forum Home 
  SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP THEATRE-CONNECT PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > 5 minute monologue - your thoughts ?

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
5 minute monologue - your thoughts ?  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Sat Sep 14th, 2013 02:46 am
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
Clouddog
Member
 

Joined: Sun Jun 9th, 2013
Location:  
Posts: 36
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
I'm glad I didn't run away in the winter, when the pavement would have been stone cold.
I'm glad I had enough of this game before I was assaulted or beaten or left for dead by every passer by. No. Instead being given 3, 2pence pieces and shaken long enough to say I'm fine I'm fine and wander off.

Because no, in winter I wet my jacket under the tap and walked at night freezing, or took myself out into the garden and tried not to shake. In winter, I was locked up and told to change into something dry. And protesting: No. Its tie dyed. It's ok its just something I did in occupational therapy. I wanted a two colour effect.

Wrapping myself in a blanket that I'd soaked. Making some kind of hypothermic art of singing to myself like Bjork in the Icelandic winter. Or, I don't know if you remember Kate winslet in Titanic? Floating on a bit of wood. Singing softly to herself before her hair turned to icicles. All I thought was how good my voice was, dreamy, far away .

And woken up from the shower cubicle door opening, where torture was as close to the water crashing down lowering the fever i believed for months i was dying of. Warmth returning as soon as I stepped out of the water and warning me that I would still need an ice bath. Drinking down water through my nose to stop the tumours in my nose from appearing and ruining my face. Massaging the ball bearings above my eyebrows and under my eyes through accupuncture channels, feeling each pressure point trigger the relevant healing.

And giving ? In the holiday season ? The long prepared for season forgotten and behind me. Not taking prisoners with the cheer in the darkest part of the year ? I don't even remember it. I remember the new year, and screaming "not until its hurting all the time" as i was walked into hospital. And Christmas only weeks away when I came out that year? September... Carols in the supermarket and stamps saved for a whole year, for the massive December food shop.

And fake snow painted in stencils on the window. Forgotten as an adult, but so much love for it and memories. Waiting to do it each year... The excitement of little white corners making it look like last nights snow storm, just in one room.

Not thinking about the homeless nearly enough.

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Wed Sep 25th, 2013 12:45 am
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
AnthonyToohey
Member


Joined: Tue Sep 24th, 2013
Location: Arroyo Grande, California USA
Posts: 10
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Hi there:

This is my first critique on site, so I'll try to be clear and honest.

After two readings, I was having a hard time getting clarity on the point.

It seems that the narrator is glad not to have hit the streets in winter, but then describes in detail what seems like his experience being on the streets in winter. On the nose writing drives me nuts, but we probably need a little clearer from the narrator that they're describing a past winter that gave them the experience they needed not to run away this last winter? Does that make sense?

And the very end - who's not thinking about the homeless nearly enough? The narrator? Or the people the narrator encountered in his winter on the streets?

I do very much like some of the imagery, so nice job there.

I hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Anthony Toohey
Twitter: @AnthonyToohey
http://atwrites.wordpress.com/

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Wed Oct 9th, 2013 03:31 pm
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
katoagogo
Member


Joined: Fri Jun 16th, 2006
Location: New London, Connecticut USA
Posts: 910
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Clouddog:

I dig how much your pieces have that raw edge. It reminds me of what I love so much about Sarah Kane, and what is so frightening about her work.

The way this starts - "I'm glad I didn't run away in the winter, when the pavement would have been stone cold." is a strong opening. This piece makes me feel like I'm walking alongside someone, trying to understand what they're going thru, and realizing that all I can do is listen. You have to live it to really understand.

I like that a lot. This piece makes me think.

The thing I'm not getting a sense of tho, is what is being run away from? It seems like the act of running away is dangerous, but what is being run away from and what is being run toward? If I could get a stronger sense of that, it would help me stay alongside this exhausted runner.

--Kato

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Wed Oct 9th, 2013 04:46 pm
  PM Quote Reply
4th Post
Clouddog
Member
 

Joined: Sun Jun 9th, 2013
Location:  
Posts: 36
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Thanks for your replies Anthony and Kato! Very helpful

Kato, do you mean this for a submission to a set of short peices for Christmas?
This is what I sort of thought you were asking? Or did I get that completely wrong.

The piece above was edited by me but with no outside edit, I can see what you both mean - with an outside view I can see the holes!!! Taking all these points on board.

I will give you a quick edit in the next few days.

Thanks

Kate

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Wed Oct 9th, 2013 06:56 pm
  PM Quote Reply
5th Post
Clouddog
Member
 

Joined: Sun Jun 9th, 2013
Location:  
Posts: 36
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
I'm glad I didn't run away in the winter, when the pavement would have been stone cold.
I'm glad that on those days when Summer came, I had enough of this game before I was assaulted or beaten or left for dead by every passer by. No. Instead being given 3, 2 pence pieces and shaken long enough to say I'm fine I'm fine and wander off.

Because no, the winter before I was sectioned I wet my jacket under the tap and walked at night freezing, or took myself out into the garden and tried not to shake. In winter, I was locked up and told to change into something dry. And protesting: No. It’s tie-dyed. It's ok its just something I did in occupational therapy. I wanted a two-color effect.

And woken up from the shower cubicle door opening, where torture was as close to the water crashing down lowering the fever I believed for months I was dying of. Warmth returning as soon as I stepped out of the water and warning me that I would still need an ice bath. Drinking down water through my nose to stop the tumors in my nose from appearing and ruining my face. Massaging the ball bearings above my eyebrows and under my eyes through acupuncture channels, feeling each pressure point trigger the relevant healing.

In the overheated ward, wrapping myself in a blanket that I'd soaked. Making some kind of hypothermic art of singing to myself like Bjork in the Icelandic winter. Or, I don't know if you remember Kate Winslet in Titanic? Floating on a bit of wood. Singing softly to herself while her hair turned to icicles. All I thought was how good my voice was, dreamy, far away.

And giving? In the holiday season? The long prepared for season forgotten and behind me. Not taking prisoners with the cheer in the darkest part of the year? I don't even remember it. I remember the New Year, and screaming in my head: "not until its hurting all the time" as I was walked into hospital, believing I was dying of cancer. And Christmas only weeks away when I came out that year? Late September... Carols in the supermarket and stamps saved for a whole year, for the massive December food shop.

And long ago now... fake snow painted in stencils on the window. Forgotten as an adult, but so much love for it and memories. Waiting to do it each year... The excitement of little white corners making it look like last nights snow storm, just in one room.

Back in those days, not thinking about the homeless nearly enough.






Please let me know what you think - can't sleep tonight so got on with it...

Thanks

Kate

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

Current time is 05:12 am  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > 5 minute monologue - your thoughts ? Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1492 seconds (13% database + 87% PHP). 26 queries executed.