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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Critique my Play > Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum... in Wonderland?

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Goldilockpick and Little Red Riding Hoodlum... in Wonderland?  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Sat Sep 5th, 2015 05:52 pm
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Toddb
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Mana: 
Hi there,

This is an extract from my newest panto - a sequel to one that is published. I would really love some feedback.

This is the climactic point of the play - the two squabbling heroines face off against Alice, their mutual adversary, as she takes the crown!

____

Narrator: Then Gold and Red charged – Gold gave Alice a clout,
Red kicked her behind and they flung her about.
The Queen of Hearts’s face went quite red,
And she cried…

Queen: Off with her head! Off with her head!

Narrator: But the girls ignored her – and up jumped the Prince –
The fight was more than making him wince.

Prince: You leave my pretty bride alone –
And let her gracefully take her throne.
If you don’t listen and stop your attack –
Mummy and I will pay you back!

Narrators: Then Boy Blue and The Knave broke free
And rushed the Prince.

Prince: Please don’t hit me!


Narrators: But they splattered Perfect with the tarts
Made by his Mum, the Queen of Hearts.
The Prince tried to make a hasty retreat –
But the boys pulled his trousers, down to his feet!
The crowd was laughing, Perfect squealed….

Prince: My royal underpants – revealed!

Narrators: This turn of events had embarrassed the toff
And The Queen cried…

Queen: Someone – cut their heads off!

Narrator: Then Gold pied Alice, and Alice pied Red,
And Red put at a tart on Goldilocks’s head.
Then Red pied Alice, and Alice pied Gold,
For the Queen, this was getting old –
She screamed again…

Queen: Off with her head!

Alice: Dear Queen, I’ll handle this instead!

Cat: Be careful of your gown, Alice dear!
You’re going to ruin it, I fear.
It is the greatest work of mine –
And the stitching’s very fine.

Narrators: Gold took notice, and Red did too –
The Cat had given them a clue.
They ran at Alice, and seized her dress,
Then ripped it off, to her distress.
Queen Alice was left standing there
In just her frilly underwear.
Alice cringed, but couldn’t hide –
With laughing faces on each side.

Hatter: Presenting the knickers of our new queen –
The finest undies you’ve ever seen!

Narrators: Once more the Queen cried…

Queen: Off with your head!

Duchess: Oh, shut up we’ve heard what you said!
Do you think that we want to sit here all day –
Listening to you holler away.

Narrator: Then the Duchess took a tart from its place
And put it in the Queen of Hearts’s face!
The Queen pied Gran-Duchess – then ran off in fear.

Duchess: I’m going to put my boot in your rear!

Narrators: Then Gran chased The Queen off down the hall –
And Alice decided to leave them all.

Alice: I’m getting out, Prince Perfect, dear –
I just can’t stay, they’re too mad here.

Prince: But you were going to be my wife –
Joined as King and Queen for life.

Alice: Oh, Prince Perfect, how can I rule?
They’ve all seen me in my undies, you fool!

Narrators: And Red called…

Little Red: Let’s use up our last reserves!

Goldilocks: Let’s give this Queen the send-off she deserves!

Narrators: Everybody played their parts –
Splattering Alice and Perfect with tarts.
Alice cried…

Alice: I’m out of here!

Narrators: The Prince gave chase…

Prince: Come back, my dear!

Goldilocks: Well, that’s her dealt with, now what do we do?

Little Red: Well, I hadn’t finished my fight with you.

Boy Blue: Yes, we must beat The Knave and Goldilocks.

Knave: Come on then – we’ll knock off your socks!

Narrators: Then as the palace guests cheered and clapped
The four combatants kicked and slapped.
None of them seemed too annoyed –
It seemed to be what they enjoyed.
The loved to battle, a large amount.
The boys knocked each other out for the count!
The girls continued to swing and clout –
And now it’s time for us to punch out!

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 Posted: Sun Sep 6th, 2015 07:41 pm
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Mana: 
Toddb,

I read this outloud and had some good laughs.

One can visualize/hear the harriedness and chaos and tumult.

I do not know how much you want to attend to meter.

Sometimes you do it perfectly and sometimes you vary. Yes, I understand the effect of emphasis...when needed.

However, there are times when inserting one other word - or eliminating a word - would make the meter perfect where I do not think emphasis is needed.

It is up to the actors not to make it "song-songy." Good actors never do, knowing when to emphasize/stress/rhyme for proper…well emphasis and rhyme! For effect. To call attention…just like notes in a musical score. (I know you know this…I am just pointing it out.)

Sometimes, visually this can be DONE ON THE PAGE by CAPITALIZATION.

For instance: OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!

A few different things like that in a script can wake up the VISUAL sense of the reader by varying what we see on the page. And it is okay to give THAT kind of clue to an actor/director.

And CAPITALIZING THE CHARACTERS' NAMES ALSO HELPS visually.

Anyway, a treat to read. Best of luck with it.

IMR


P.S. I remember and looked up one of your previous posts. It was too much in volume for most people to read. You posted a much briefer piece this time. Thank you.

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 Posted: Sun Sep 6th, 2015 07:43 pm
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Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
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Mana: 
Toddb,

I read this outloud and had some good laughs.

One can visualize/hear the harriedness and chaos and tumult.

I do not know how much you want to attend to meter.

Sometimes you do it perfectly and sometimes you vary. Yes, I understand the effect of emphasis...when needed.

However, there are times when inserting one other word - or eliminating a word - would make the meter perfect where I do not think emphasis is needed.

It is up to the actors not to make it "song-songy." Good actors never do, knowing when to emphasize/stress/rhyme for proper…well emphasis and rhyme! For effect. To call attention…just like notes in a musical score. (I know you know this…I am just pointing it out.)

Sometimes, visually this can be DONE ON THE PAGE by CAPITALIZATION.

For instance: OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!

A few different things like that in a script can wake up the VISUAL sense of the reader by varying what we see on the page. And it is okay to give THAT kind of clue to an actor/director.

And CAPITALIZING THE CHARACTERS' NAMES ALSO HELPS visually.

Anyway, a treat to read. Best of luck with it.

IMR

P.S. I looked up a previous post of yours. This time, you posted a much shorter selection. No one has the time to read long pieces, unless thye request them after reading the sample.

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