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 Posted: Sun Dec 3rd, 2006 10:01 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Hi all.

I'm new here. I love this site. Fantastic, safe place to caucus with other wrights!

This is just the begining of a new piece I'm working on. I want to explore the difficulties of telling the truth. The courage it takes to say things that might be hard to hear.

Anyway, submitted for your dis/approval

(Scene. A Crowded High School Lunch Room Cafeteria.)

(Mercy, a senior sits eating her lunch. Vincent appears and sits across from Mercy.)

            VINCENT
    You got a friend.

            MERCY
    Excuse me.

            VINCENT
    You got a friend.

            MERCY
    Oh... No I'm here alone.

            VINCENT
    Hanging from your nose. You got a friend hanging from your nose.

            MERCY
        (Pulls out a compact mirror. Sees it. Grabs a cleenex and wipes.)
    Sorry.

            VINCENT
    I have no problem with it. You cold?

            MERCY
    Am I...

            VINCENT
    You seem to be cold.
        (Points at her chest.)

            MERCY
        (Covers her chest.)
    Oh.
        (Makes like she's done. Gets up to leave.)

            VINCENT
    There are no other seats.

            MERCY
    What?

            VINCENT
    There's aint no other seats.

            MERCY
    Oh. No, I was done.

            VINCENT
    aha.

            MERCY
    Excuse me.

            VINCENT
    You got offended.

            MERCY
    I'm done.

            VINCENT
    Cause I spoke some truth. Truth is hard for you.

            MERCY
    I'm sorry but I was done with my-

            VINCENT
    Yeah, okay.

            MERCY
    I was done-

            VINCENT
    Yeah, yeah.

            MERCY
    I was done with my food.

            VINCENT
    Okay, see ya.
        (She starts to leave. Stops. She sits back down)


        (Beat)
    You want a doughnut?

            MERCY
    No thank you.

            VINCENT
    It's clean.

            MERCY
    I'm not in the mood for a doughnut.

            VINCENT
    How about an apple crisp?

            MERCY
    No.

            VINCENT
    I'm just trying to make up for the nipple comment.

            MERCY
    Could you just... could you please not!

(Pause)

            VINCENT
    I got an apple.

            MERCY
    I told you I'm not hungry.

(Pause)

            VINCENT
    Why'd you sit back down?

            MERCY
    What?

            VINCENT
    Why did you sit back down?

            MERCY
    Oh. I realized... I realized that I wasn't done.

            VINCENT
    Can I ask you something?

            MERCY
    Sure.

            VINCENT
    Why are girls so self conscious?

            MERCY
    I'm not self conscious.

            VINCENT
    You were obviously offended by what I said.

            MERCY
    I wasn't done-

            VINCENT
    But you're so afraid of being thought of or seeing yourself of as someone-

            MERCY
    I wasn't done with my-

            VINCENT
     Who can't handle the truth that-

            MERCY
    MY FOOD!

(Pause)

            VINCENT
    You got another one.

            MERCY
    Another what?
        (He mock pinches/wipes his nose.)
     OH FUCK!
        (Takes another tissue out and blows hards. Keeps blowing.)
        (Nose blowing sound)

            VINCENT
    You're gonna confuse the geese.
        (She stops blowing. Wipes.)

(Pause)

            VINCENT
    It's just a booger.
        (No response)
    Everyones got boogers.
        (No response.)
    It's not like you let one rip or somethin'.

            MERCY
    Okay!

            VINCENT
    One just peeked through.

            MERCY
    I AM NOT SELF CONSCIOUS, ALRIGHT!

(Pause)

            VINCENT
    You go to this school?

            MERCY
        (Begrudgingly)
    Yes.
            VINCENT
    You like it?

            MERCY
    It's okay.

            VINCENT
    Seems nice.

            MERCY
    It's... what do you mean it seems nice?

            VINCENT
    Homey. It's got a homey atmos-

            MERCY
    You don't go here?

            VINCENT
    Nope.

            MERCY
    Then what are you doing here?

            VINCENT
    Lunch.

            MERCY
    You're not part of the school.

            VINCENT
    Lunch program.

            MERCY
        (realizing)
    Oh! Oh... You're here for the lunch program. Oh. Oh.

            VINCENT
    One more "O" and you'll have to wipe yourself.

            MERCY
    I just... I didn't know.

            VINCENT
    About what?

            MERCY
    I'm sorry.

            VINCENT
    For what?

            MERCY
    Your circumstances.

            VINCENT
        (stares at her)
    Have we just gone through a worm hole that I'm unaware of.

            MERCY
    I'm just saying that I'm glad that this program exists... that it's available to someone in your circumstances.

            VINCENT
    What the fuck are you talking about?

            MERCY
    I'm talking about it being nice that you can have a hot meal without worrying about the cost.

            VINCENT
        (southern black)
    Well' dat's a good ting coz dady done lost his job from d'plantation and weez got no grub lessen we fry up d'chillun.
        (back to normal)
    I'm poor? I'm poor?

            MERCY
    Well I just assumed.

            VINCENT
    That I'm poor.

            MERCY
    Well then what the hell are you doing here?

            VINCENT
    Chicken Fajitas!

            MERCY
    Excuse me?

            VINCENT
    Every tuesday is chicken fajita day.

            MERCY
    That's the reason? Chicken Fajitas? The Chicken Fajitas?

            VINCENT
    You don't like'em.

            MERCY
    NO!
            VINCENT
    They're quite good.

            MERCY
    NO!

            VINCENT
    Put a little hot sauce-

            MERCY
    You come here for the food selection.

            VINCENT
    It's not the decor!

            MERCY
    This is dispicable. It's unheard of. It's unconscionable-

            VINCENT
    You're pointing again.

            MERCY
    OH!
        (Covers up)

            VINCENT
    Does that always happen when you're upset?

            MERCY
    I'm going to report you.

            VINCENT
    To who?

            MERCY
    Didn't you have to sign something?

            VINCENT
    No but they did ask me if I wanted sour cream.

            MERCY
    This... this... this is.. it's...

            VINCENT
    What is your problem, lady?

            MERCY
    The lunch program is for poor people who can't afford a hot meal.

            VINCENT
    Says who?

            MERCY
    What do you mean says who?

            VINCENT
    Says who?

            MERCY
    THAT'S WHY IT'S FREE!

            VINCENT
        (starts laughing)
    You come up with the wackiest shit.

            MERCY
    This is not funny. Stop laughing. Stop...
        (She gets up and leaves)
        (He's still laughing)
        (She returns)
    You'd better stop-

            VINCENT
    I'm trying! I'm trying.
        (He stops)
        (Trying to be conciliatory)
    Vinny.
        (He sticks out his hand)
    It don't bite.

            MERCY
        (taking a chance, shakes his hand)
    Mercy.

            VINCENT
        (Pulls his hand away)
    Hey don't do me no favors.

            MERCY
    That's my name.

            VINCENT
    What?

            MERCY
    Mercy.

            VINCENT
        (beat)
    That's a verb.

            MERCY
    It's short for Mercedes.

            VINCENT
    That's a car. Your parents named you after a car?

            MERCY
    It happens to be my grandmothers name.

            VINCENT
    I think you should change it.

            MERCY
    You don't like my name.

            VINCENT
    I don't know. You don't look like a Mercedes. You look more like a Honda.

            MERCY
    I'm not named after a car!

(Pause)

            VINCENT
    How about Ethel.

            MERCY
    NO!

            VINCENT
    It's my Godmother's name. Any way that's what I think. I think you look like an Ethel.
        (Beat)
    So you Jewish?
        (She doesn't answer)
    You know they built the ovens.
        (still ignoring him)
    Mercedes Benz built the ovens that the Nazis used. I'm just saying that in case your Jewish.
        (Beat)
        (Change)
    God I could use a good lay. So, you got a boyfriend.

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 Posted: Sun Dec 31st, 2006 05:14 pm
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muncy
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Mana: 
Hi Eezra. Love this! Very funny but has the potential to be very, very dark. I guess you will have a reason for why Vincent comes out with such inappropriate comments on first meeting someone. Good luck with it.

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 Posted: Sun Dec 31st, 2006 05:23 pm
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Paddy
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Mana: 
Wonderful!  Very funny.  Dialogue moves...this is a fast fast play.

Here... " This is dispicable. It's unheard of. It's unconscionable-"  She became a sixty year old woman...

And here... "What is your problem, lady?"  he talks to her like one.  I'm assuming she's in highschool...

When he asks if she goes there, I found it odd that she answered so easily.  If I was in the cafeteria at lunch, and someone asked me that, I would find it odd.

Other than the niggly picky things...very nice.  Have no idea where you'll go from here, but I'm interested.  If you stop here...the last line feels a bit like a drum rift.

Nicely done.

Paddy

 

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 Posted: Sun Dec 31st, 2006 11:34 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Thanks to your replies. I kind of thought that this piece died on the thread.

Muncy, I do have a reason for why Vincent comes off the way he does but I'm still working on it's development. This is the kind of thing that started out as dialogue, story to follow. A lot of my work does that.

Paddy, great points. It should probably be a little tougher for Mercey to respond about the going to this school or even talk to him at that point. I had a hard time keeping her there or working her back in.

 Also, I get you on the "this is dispicable... " line. She is a high school senior so the words chosen could be more of that age range.


I guess that what I want to do is pit Mercy who  as being sociable and socially correct against Vinny who feels it's important to say what's on your mind or say what you feel and see what happens.

Again, thanks for the comments. It's caused me to look at this piece again.

Eddie

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 Posted: Mon Jan 1st, 2007 10:30 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
eezra,

I asked myself how old is Vincent? (Unless I missed something it does not say.) Is he samea age bt a drop out or is he a bit older an maybe could pass for a young faculty member?

I didn't think this phrase "This is dispicable. It's unheard of. It's unconscionable-" She became a sixty year old woman...


made her sound sixty. I think it made her sound bright. I've known a lot of bright high school kids You can go with that or make her just like a generic kid, which to me is more interesting.

If Vincent is older and is trying to "fit in" with the younger crowd it gets kind of creepy a' la "How I Learned to Drive" by Paula Vogel. Whichever way you go, it is interesting and look forward to more. Will be fun to see where it goes. Lots of possibilites.

I know what you mean by wrting dialogue to see where it goes just to see what pops up. There are so many ways to work!


best,

in media res

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 Posted: Mon Jan 1st, 2007 10:31 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
eezra,

I asked myself how old is Vincent? (Unless I missed something it does not say.) Is he samea age bt a drop out or is he a bit older an maybe could pass for a young faculty member?

I didn't think this phrase "This is dispicable. It's unheard of. It's unconscionable-" She became a sixty year old woman...


made her sound sixty. I think it made her sound bright. I've known a lot of bright high school kids. You can go with that or make her just like a generic kid, which to me is more interesting.

If Vincent is older and is trying to "fit in" with the younger crowd it gets kind of creepy a' la "How I Learned to Drive" by Paula Vogel. Whichever way you go, it is interesting and look forward to more. Will be fun to see where it goes. Lots of possibilites.

I know what you mean by wrting dialogue to see where it goes just to see what pops up. There are so many ways to work!


best,

in media res

Last edited on Mon Jan 1st, 2007 10:31 pm by in media res

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 Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 07:49 pm
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BillySundae
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Mana: 
Verrry interesting. Cute and a bit creepy at the same time. Have you worked on it much since you got the earlier feed back? If so, I'd be interested to see what direction you've taken it in. BillySundae

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 Posted: Tue Feb 20th, 2007 08:03 pm
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eezra
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Mana: 
Hi Billy,

Thanks for your reply.

No, I've been working on a set of one acts but I like the start on this one and intend to go back to it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Eddie

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