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Troika  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Tue Feb 10th, 2009 05:51 pm
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kris
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Troika




The moon was lifted like a white-gold paten
High, so high, in the vaulted midnight
Casting blue-hearted light on the snowy fields
That sprang away endlessly in all directions
From the devouring beat of the horses’ hooves.

Secure amid piled furs and laprobes
I glanced at your profile as you drove
With a light hand but sure and I laughed aloud,
The wind of our speed stinging my cheeks
As I silently tasted the sound of your name.

Young, so young we were and long ago
But crystalline the memory that survives intact
While the concussion of harness bells echoes in time.

 

Last edited on Wed Feb 11th, 2009 03:14 pm by kris

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 Posted: Tue Feb 10th, 2009 06:37 pm
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Potabasil
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"Young, so young we were and long ago"

Yes we were, so young

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rooyt3ptNco

Last edited on Tue Feb 10th, 2009 06:39 pm by Potabasil

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 Posted: Wed Feb 11th, 2009 03:08 am
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kris
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Thanks for sharing the link, Potabasil. Touching footage accompanied by one of my favorite songs!

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 Posted: Wed Feb 11th, 2009 04:26 am
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timmy
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Kris:

The last lines of stanzas two and three are beautiful. Outstanding images.

"concussion" of harness bells...geez.

Find "The Bells" by Edgar Allan Poe and read it. This is a fine, fine tribute to what he was trying to accomplish.

Thank you for posting this.

timmy

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 Posted: Wed Feb 11th, 2009 02:05 pm
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in media res
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kris,

Loved this. I can feel being cozily wrapped in the brisk and thundering sleigh.

Brilliant line: As I silently tasted the sound of your name


Four suggested trifles

Casting its blue-hearted light on the snowy fields (I'd get rid of "the." I think it flows better.)

Do you need "the" before devouring?

Do you need "in all directions" when you have just stated "endlessly?" Not as secure with this suggestion, but thought I'd mention it.

Young, so young we were and long ago (I think "and long ago" is so implied it is not needed. I think it "honeys up" the strong and true feelings you have established throughout the poem. Maybe I should say "honeys down" if I think it depletes the tone. It let's the poem drift near sentimentality, rather than the true depth of emotion that is established.)

See what paying attention to you and timmy is teaching me? Slowly carving me a new eye. Thank you.

best,

in media res


best,

in media res

Last edited on Wed Feb 11th, 2009 02:26 pm by in media res

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 Posted: Wed Feb 11th, 2009 03:27 pm
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kris
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Thanks, timmy and in media res, for reading and responding to "Troika."

timmy, I'm so glad you liked "concussion of harness bells." I got the image, and then actually looked up "concussion" and its family in the dictionary to make sure it was exactly what I wanted. As for "The Bells," I know I've read it before -- it has to be the poem with "tintinnabulation" in it -- but magically found the Unabridged Edgar Allan Poe in the first place I looked, and look forward to rereading it (the poem, not the giant volume -- although I could do worse).

in media res, I agree completely with "its blue-hearted light" and the "its" is now gone. Not so sure about the "the" -- it disturbs the flow a bit I guess, but I think it's needed for clarity. And thank you for saying "honeys up/down" instead of "sappy"! I definitely see your point and will see what else I can come up with to round out that line. 

Again, thanks, for taking the time to read and comment!

kris

 

 

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 Posted: Thu Feb 12th, 2009 02:14 am
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in media res
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kris,

I mentioned "the" not "its." Why not cut both?

Also, funny, but I looked up "concussion" to make sure it was all right.

timmy is right about The Bells. One of my favorite poems form 8th grade on. tinkling, tolling how it swells how it dwells; the loud alarum bells, the tintinnabulation that so musically it swells, etc. As I type the bells from the church a few blocks away are clanging away their nightly song. 9 pm. The wind is right tonight to hear them. I love church bells. I once owned a house where throughout the day I could hear five churches' bells. I was in heaven, no pun intended.

Did I coin a phrase with "honeys up?" Ot "honey up?"

You knew exactly what I meant.

best,
in media res

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 Posted: Thu Feb 12th, 2009 02:14 am
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in media res
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kris,

I mentioned "the" not "its." Why not cut both?

Also, funny, but I looked up "concussion" to make sure it was all right.

timmy is right about The Bells. One of my favorite poems form 8th grade on. tinkling, tolling how it swells how it dwells; the loud alarum bells, the tintinnabulation that so musically it swells, etc. As I type the bells from the church a few blocks away are clanging away their nightly song. 9 pm. The wind is right tonight to hear them. I love church bells. I once owned a house where throughout the day I could hear five churches' bells. I was in heaven, no pun intended.

Did I coin a phrase with "honeys up?" Ot "honey up?"

You knew exactly what I meant.

best,
in media res

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 Posted: Mon Feb 16th, 2009 01:07 am
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kris
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Doh! So much for my eagle editing eye! Its, the... you're right. They both can go!

kris

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 Posted: Wed Feb 18th, 2009 07:19 pm
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patsy
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Kris loved your poem
especially the first verse

The moon was lifted like-gold paten
High so High In the vaulted midnight
Casting Blue-Hearted light on snowy fields
That sprang away endlessly in all directions
From the devouring beat of the horses' hooves

Cheers Patsy

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 Posted: Thu Feb 19th, 2009 03:17 pm
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kris
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Thank you, Patsy. I look forward to reading more of yours.

Regards,

kris

 

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