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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > As yet untitled

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 Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 10:42 am
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nikip
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Mana: 
Hello all who are interested.  I decided not to post old poems at this stage as they are too familiar to me and so sound dull.  I wrote this poem this morning while waiting in the doctor's surgery, so it really is a very, very first draft.  Any comments most welcome.

As yet untitled!


 


                        By morning she cleans caviar shit

                        In the big house down the lane

 

                        By afternoon she returns to her ravioli life

                        Licking the tin til her tongue swells and fills her mouth

 

                        By evening she drowns in a lager pissed bed

                        While he wanks in her body cold from his fist

 

                        By dawn she sucks the dripping sauce from the walls,

                        Bleaches her doorstep, waves to her neighbour

 

                        But at night she lullabies her tiny son

 

                        “Come baby come.

                        Breathe outside my tin

                        Mummy’s pen will write us both a story”

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 Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 11:15 am
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nikip
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Mana: 
Just thinking.  Should that last line say "write us another story."/"a different story?

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 Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 12:32 pm
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nikip
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Mana: 
Oh and Edd, as a haiku writer would you take a look at these for me please?

                                       

Haiku 1                                   

 

                                    Haikus are like farts;

                                    Sometimes they pfft and sometimes they

                                    Staccato like fireworks.

 

 

                                    Kenneth Bigley

 

                                    Google: beheading

                                    A five minute website. That’s

                                    A long time to watch.

 


                            

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 Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 11:30 pm
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Edd
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Mana: 
I like "mummy's pen will write us a better story."  That shows a conscious decision for taking her life in hand to make something better of it.  She's already taken responsibility for her child's welfare by self-sacrafice and hard work, now she needs to write a better story that takes them both to a happier conclusion.  Just my two cents, as they say.  Just how I want to see the world--a better place from love and hard work.

As for the haiku, what dare I say?  But you might try this:

Google: beheading
Sometimes they pfft and sometimes they
Staccato like fireworks.

<giggling>

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 Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 09:46 am
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nikip
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Mana: 
Thanks Edd.  I knew that last line wasn't right and I wanted her to sound empowered.  Not quite so sure about your haiku advice!!

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 12:08 am
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Paddy
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Mana: 
Stark.

Beautiful.

Poignant.

'different' story.

Don't know why.

Paddy

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 05:45 am
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leon
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Mana: 
good going, paddy.  your tongue swells when you lick the lid?  hmm...  maybe i've just got a big tongue?

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 05:47 am
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leon
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Mana: 
sorry, not paddy.  i meant nikip.    edd, you're rubbing off on me.

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 07:33 am
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nikip
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Mana: 
Thanks Paddy and Leon.  It really is an infant at the moment.  The other one I wrote has had 4 years of tweaking!  Perhaps I'm just getting faster!  And Leon, if you have a big tongue it is probably just as well that you haven't got lid-licking compulsive disorder syndrome!!

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 09:12 am
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Kate
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Mana: 
Nikip - Very moving poem. My favourite bits are the lager pissed bed and the
following line, and the hope you give to the tone with the lullaby.

I also like the spare language.

It's fantastic for a first draft!

Things that 'niggled' me a bit (and these are first reactions and can
be completely ignored, of course!!!):

The use of time: it starts in the morning, moves to afternoon,
evening, dawn. Then back to night. It obviously has to end at the
lullaby (and at night when she is can 'escape' and talk to her unborn
child - I hope I've got that right), but you could think about time
progression and use it to your advantage. Also not sure about the use
of 'by' at the beg. of the lines.  Again - that's just a first reaction.

Re your suggestions for the last line - agree with Paddy - I think 'different' - but don't know why...perhaps because it's less definite while retaining the hope. - and the different story is for the narrator and her child (not to include the wanking bloke!).


There's the introduction of pen into the food metaphor which I find interesting (maybe that could be reflected in the title you give the poem) .  I only say all this stuff because I think the poem's great and hope you carry on with it - and post more!

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 09:18 am
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nikip
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Mana: 
Ah the timings!  Driving me mad!  I need that bit in there about the next day to show how she hides her life from the outside world and just carries on despite the degradation that is her current reality.  Am working on that right now.  Hopefully not another 4 years before I get it right!  If I redraft I will repost for workshopping.  Thanks so much for your comments.  Really, really helpful

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 09:28 am
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Kate
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Mana: 
nikip wrote: Hopefully not another 4 years before I get it right! 

I never feel I get things right!!!!!!  Good luck Nikip - love your stuff and look forward to seeing more!

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 01:13 pm
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Edd
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Mana: 

I want to chime in with Paddy and Kate.  When I heard "different" it rang a bell.

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