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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Redrafted poem - still no title!

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Redrafted poem - still no title!  Rating:  Rating
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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 12:37 pm
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nikip
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Mana: 
Hello all who have helped (and any one else!).  Could you please tell me if you think this works any better or if I have made it worse?  Thanks.  I have tried to take on board redrafting advice and am just playing about really.  Also, god I am stuck for a title!


As yet untitled-redraft

 


Dawn.  She sucks the dripping sauce from the walls,

bleaches her doorstep, waves to her neighbour.


The morning.  She cleans caviar shit

in the big house down the lane


The afternoon.  She returns to her ravioli life

licking the tin til her tongue swells and fills her mouth


The evening.  She drowns in a lager- pissed bed

while he wanks in her body still cold from his fist

 

But at night she lullabies her tiny son

“Come baby come
breathe outside my tin.
Mummy’s pen will write us both a different story.”

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 12:38 pm
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nikip
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Mana: 
Ps no idea why it has changed font at the end!  That has nothing to do with the form and should look the same as the rest!

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 01:35 pm
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Kate
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Mana: 
I think this works better (although it was very good before, and others might disagree with me!).  You might even consider cutting 'The' from morning, afternoon and evening to show how cold they are - as opposed to 'But at night' which heightens the importance of that time.  That's just my opinion. 

I often think it's a good thing to put a piece of writing away for a few days or more, then go back to it.  Oh - and always keep drafts cos you might want to go back a few and sometimes even to the raw original (cos it's so easy to lose that 'edge' with continuous re-drafting and re-shaping the form).

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 01:38 pm
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Edd
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Mana: 
I fixed the font and some spacing.

I love this poem.  It is not one I will soon forget.  The imagery is stark and stunningly visual.  "Caviar shit" tells me all I need to know about the people in the house she cleans - about an entire class.  Two words have captured the house, the family, a social and economic status, as well as her distain and her own social status.  However much I would like it said of me, I never say "brilliant," but this poem . . .

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 01:42 pm
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nikip
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Mana: 
Thank you Kate and Edd.  I will try and leave it alone for a few days and see, as you suggest Kate.  And Edd, thanks for your technical support!  Boy do I need it!  If you could just sort out the short I posted earlier that would be great!  In fact I could do with you here to do all my computing if you have time!!  Thanks also for you comment.  I just want to say that for a person who has written for years in secret, it was and is terrifying to go public.  Your support and enthusiasm just makes me feel excited and constantly inspired.

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 02:34 pm
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Edd
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Mana: 
You humble me.  Thank you.

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 02:48 pm
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Paddy
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Mana: 
I absolutely, without a doubt, like the first version best.

Paddy

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 Posted: Fri Aug 4th, 2006 02:50 pm
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nikip
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Mana: 
Do you know what Paddy?  Write now, so do I.  There is something that just doesn't feel right about this second version.  I am going to sit on it a while, on Kate's suggestion.

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 Posted: Sat Aug 5th, 2006 09:52 pm
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timmy
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nikip:

By morning she cleans caviar shit
In the big house down the lane

By afternoon she returns to her ravioli life
Licking the tin til her tongue swells and fills her mouth

By evening she drowns in a lager pissed bed
While he wanks in her body, cold from his fist

By dawn she sucks the dripping sauce from the walls,
Bleaches her doorstep, waves to her neighbour

But at night she lullabies her tiny son

“Come, baby, come.
Breathe outside my tin
Mummy’s pen will write us both a story”

this version is best. it works. it's far more honest than the rewrite. it's more you.

consider combinations: "nightly" rather than "But at night" Consider "-ing" whenever possible. get more visual: what kind of story? big house? choose a color, adj. that shows me. i want to see it.

record it. listen to it. feel the rhythm. 4th stanza is WOW. Post some more.

timmy

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 Posted: Sun Aug 6th, 2006 05:30 pm
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nikip
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Mana: 
Thanks Timmy.  Have looked at some of your poetry too.  Would like you to post some more also.  Poetry is such an interesting genre to write in.  Like Kate said, you have to be so precise and economical in order to get a point across.  The more poetry on this site the better! 

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