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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > contrition

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 01:54 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
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Mana: 
i carry a pillow
wherever i go
in case i see
a passing dream

i carry it into market
aisles of freshly
washed nectarines,
cold peaches, stone fruits,
pitted and surrounded
by soft flesh, products of home
orchards, picked by hand

i do this in case
a dream sneaks
up on me and i don’t
wish to miss opportunity,
like my lover, rubbing
two sticks together, seeking
redemption in the dark

i carry a blanket
wherever i go
in case i need
to cover insecurities
with warm cotton
to hide from my lover
who can sense
in the dark
easier than i can
think in the light

on mornings i forget
these essentials
my bed is often
left with nothing
but dangling covers,
ripped sheets,
billowing smoke,
and my lover

without apology

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 10:35 am
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nikip
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Mana: 
Timmy I love this.  I am going to give you my initial responses and gut reactions that I hope will help you to make ‘changing or staying’ the same decisions! 

I loved the idea of the blanket and the pillow and how it leads to the wrecked and exposed bed at the end.  It is a powerful  read.

There were a couple of lines I thought unnecessary, eg ”I don’t wish to miss an opportunity” and “in case I need to cover insecurities.”  I think these things are already said in your more concrete images.

 The ending – I was uncertain whether it was undiluted passion or violence you were expressing.  I could not quite work out if the narrator was oppressed or liberated by this encounter. “Ripped” and “billowing smoke” suggests both passion and  violence.  “Dangling” suggests insecurity and uncertainty about the relationship…… I think “apology” is also ambiguous.  Not sure if a sexual crime has been committed of if the other person has somehow got beneath the covers to find “you”.  The title also adds to this ambiguity for me.  Is this person humbled by passion?  Is this a fear about honesty and truth?

Hope you get a picture from a reader response.  Thanks for posting it. Don’t stop.  Love the rocking head of poetry and yours rocks! x

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 Posted: Mon Aug 7th, 2006 10:51 am
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Kate
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Joined: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006
Location: Chichester, United Kingdom
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Mana: 
Timmy - this is my immediate reaction:  I felt straight away that the narrator is vulnerable - easily damaged - and in a dangerous place (the soft fruit from 'home orchards' in the harsh environment of market aisles) - and needing comfort, hope (the pillow, the dream, warm cotton).  There's the harshness of the lover (the hard sticks vs the soft fruit), and violence & chaos & threat (dangling covers, ripped sheets billowing smoke).  Wonderful imagery.  Don't know if you need 'to cover insecurities' because you already show that really well.  Also, the fruit imagery - it's not picked up again - could it be?  I love reading your poetry. 

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