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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > In San Francisco

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In San Francisco  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Tue Oct 6th, 2009 02:16 pm
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HarveyRabbit
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Mana: 
Absolutely agree, timmy. And I have to say, I actually appreciated the way in which the word “stumble” had somehow stumbled across the page. Quite poetic in itself.


H.

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 Posted: Mon Oct 5th, 2009 01:03 am
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timmy
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Mana: 
Harvey and Edd:

Thanks much for the comments. Obviously something wrong with the one line as far as format but I can't seem to fix it even when I try.

I only saw this girl for about three minutes. Don't think she was more than fifteen. Image stuck with me. I think poetry works better, Harvey, when it can't be explained. Leaves more impact for the reader.

timmy

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 Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2009 01:25 pm
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Edd
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Mana: 
Timmy,

As did the Rabbit, I liked this a lot, too. It was so damn beautiful, dangerous and sexy!

Thanks.

~Edd

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 Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 03:09 am
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HarveyRabbit
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Mana: 
Timmy, I liked this a lot. The problem is, I'm not quite sure how to explain why. But I did.

H.

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 Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 07:54 pm
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timmy
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Mana: 
A young girl on the streetcar
looks at me with penny size eyes

In the half-light she could be the first
girl I ever kissed

before I learned to be naked
for other long haired strangers

She smells of seaweed or kelp;
of ocean and undulating waves

and sand and empty shells. All
I have to offer her is the cavern
of my throat

I try and ignore her, ashamed
of her pain so real I could reach
out and touch it

She smiles and I watch her                                                                                   stumble to the next car, clutch
against a steel bar for balance;
a knot of arms and desperation

in the traveling glass,
my own face, the dark outline
of my body

she should fit inside me
but I won’t let her.

Last edited on Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 06:39 pm by timmy

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