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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Fumbally Lane

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Fumbally Lane  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2009 08:08 pm
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Potabasil
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Mana: 
Me thinks I'll leave it sit for awhile
Thanks all

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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2009 06:34 pm
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HarveyRabbit
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I'd fine-tune both.

H.

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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2009 12:36 pm
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timmy
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Mana: 
Stanza five: 

Three females mentioned; no names (which I like throughout the poem); all those uses of "she" and "her" probably got the husband confused.  It did me.  Had to read it thrice before deciding who is who. The poem should deliver w/o such a struggle.

As for the husband? If he's still kicking, don't throw him out.

I do like this.  Fine-tune it.

timmy 

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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2009 03:46 am
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Edd
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He's a lawyer! Get another one.

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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2009 02:19 am
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Potabasil
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Mana: 
Ok Lads

Potabasil is confused.  I don't often well almost never show my husband anything I write to the poets corner.  Well after your great critiquing I was all abuzz and decided to show him.  Show off that's me.

Well you could have knocked me down with a feather.

Stanza five is not right, he said

Question here is do I leave it as is, cause I know what it is, or do I do something with it?

Or will I just get another husband?

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 Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 09:43 pm
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Potabasil
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That a bit better Timmy? thanks for posting, really appreciate
Potabasil

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 Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 09:42 pm
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Potabasil
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Thank you Edd, will probably keep it

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 Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 03:30 am
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timmy
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atta' girl

timmy

ps: the title is so cool

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 Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 03:19 am
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Edd
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Wow! Stunning. I've read it twice and I believe I've just begun. God! the Irish are a gifted lot.

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 Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 02:36 am
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Potabasil
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Mana: 

She probably
knew the photographer
was there

She dressed herself well
and took a walk
he saw her and
clicked,clicked,clicked

He had children
in the foreground
but he didn't know her

It was in her eyes
the sorrow
the loss of her childer

She's long dead now
but she gave someone
a nudge
and there before her
was her mother

She saw for the first time
her mothers sorrow
walking around
Fumbally Lane
without any childer

Last edited on Tue Oct 13th, 2009 02:46 am by Potabasil

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