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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Ambitious People Get Receipts

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 Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 07:45 pm
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lostsocks
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Location: Cambridge, United Kingdom
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Mana: 
Thanks :)

lol I have about five different versions of that stanza :) I had a slow-day at work.

I like your thoughts on it, I shall keep fiddling with it

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 Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 07:40 pm
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in media res
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Mana: 
lostsocks,

You always give an inspired, truthful take on things in your own, ironic and very comic way.

Just when I thought I was going to be depressed in the second to the last stanza, you hit me with the final stanza and brought an ironic smile to my face.

One thing I note in the second to last stanza is maybe it would work if you related the first stanza's "to prove that I was there" rather than "to prove that I am gone"

Quickly as an example, but you would write it in your own inimitable way!

When they lay me down to rest
And I have passed into the air
I'll get a death certificate
To prove that I'm not there

Just a thought. It works wonderfully as it is.



Thanks,

in media res

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 Posted: Mon Nov 16th, 2009 04:53 pm
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lostsocks
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Ambitious People Get Receipts

First I went to school
Exams, I did my share
They gave me bits of paper,
To prove that I was there

Then I went to sixth form
And I sat even more
I got another sheet
To show my final score

After that was uni
I studied just because
My paper now came in a frame
To show how good it was

Now I have a job
Working nine to five
I bring home bits of paper
Just to stay alive

When they lay me down to rest
And I am passed on
I'll get a death certificate
To prove that I am gone

So when I'm in the afterlife
I'll not need to dismay
Because of all the super things
I can write on my resumé

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