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 Posted: Tue Aug 15th, 2006 05:00 pm
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kal
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Millburn, New Jersey USA
Posts: 18
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Mana: 
[size=

[size=I've written a serio-comic novel, "The Ballad of Pubic Pediculi," during which the protagonist writes & recites the following poem, based upon an experience he's had with a certain lady.  The novel is now being shopped around to agents & publishers.]

[size=

[size=The Ballad of Pubic Pediculi]

[size= ]

[size=(with a tip of the hat to Robert Service)]

[size= ]

My story begins one cold night
[size=When I yearned for some carnal delight;]

[size=I discovered a dive]

[size=That was jumping with jive ]

[size=And habitues hardly contrite.]

[size= ]

[size=The first local talent I spied]

[size=Was the type whom by all had been tried.]

[size=“Mah name’s Jaw-juh,” said she,]

[size=As she slinked up to me;]

[size=“And yoahs?”  ]A pseudo (of course) I supplied.

[size= ]

[size=A garish tattoo on each arm]

[size=I noticed with pop-eyed alarm;]

[size=These dermal stigmata]

[size=In bright terra cotta]

[size=Did much to enhance her sweet charm.]

[size= ]

[size=Phenix City][size=, St. Louie, St. Paul;]

[size=She’d set hearts athrob in ‘em all;]

[size=Her torrid gyrations]

[size=Earned loud acclamations,]

[size=Her champions could fill a great hall!]

[size= ]

[size=She’d given up peeling last year;]

[size=“Had to,” said she, “stripped a gear.”]

[size=Now’s she’s living her life]

[size=Where sin is quite rife]

[size=And the small talk consists of “one beer”.]

[size= ]

[size=To get on with my tale of disaster,]

[size=I leaned close and proceeded to ast ‘er;]

[size=“How about a cool ale]

[size=My splendiferous quail?”]

[size=She accepted, and quaffed like a master.]

[size= ]

[size=Her lids drooped with a coquettish flutter]

[size=As she gave me a nudge with her rudder;]

[size=She asked me to dance,]

[size=I jumped at the chance, ]

[size=And we soon were awaltzin’ each other.]

[size= ]

[size=On the dance floor my peach was a tease;]

[size=‘Tween us two there lacked space for a breeze.]

[size=She maneuvered her torso]

[size=In a way men adore so,]

[size=At a glance we were twins Siamese!]

[size= ]

[size=To make a short story much shorter,]

[size=I did what I shouldn’t had orter.]

[size=I invited her up]

[size=For a night-capping cup]

[size=Of coffee. . .or maybe a “snorter.”]

[size= ]

[size=Her mascara’d orbs brightened wide]

[size=As she eyed me both out and inside;]

[size=She approved in a minute,]

[size=But asked me “What’s in it ]

[size=If ‘Yes’ is the word I decide?”]

[size= ]

[size=That just when I should’ve backed down,]

[size=But playing the role of dumb clown,]

[size=I blindly persisted, ]

[size=She hardly resisted, ]

[size=And soon we were driving uptown.]

[size= ]

[size=To describe what occurred in my suite]

[size=Would neither be right nor discreet]

[size=I’ll dispense with the gory,]

[size=Get on with my story,]

[size=But I must say: ‘twas really a treat!]

[size= ]

[size=When my one-night amour from me faded,]

[size=And I lay ‘neath my quilt tired and jaded,]

[size=I turned o’er with a sigh,]

[size=To fond sleep did I fly,]

[size=Sans a thought for what I’d perpetrated.]

[size= ]

[size=The renascence of sunlight soon came,]

[size=Seemed a day like all others the same;]

[size=But there at day break,]

[size=I jumped up with a shake, ]

[size=Lilliputians were gnawing my frame!]

[size= ]

[size=I immediately commenced an inspection]

[size=Of a rather unmention’ble section;]

[size=You can guess my surprise]

[size=When I saw with my eyes]

[size=That I’d picked up some type of infection!]

[size=There cavorting upon me with glee]

[size=Was a horrible species of flea!]

Upon subsequent careful research
[size=At a drugstore I learned with a lurch]

[size=‘Twas the dread Pubic Pediculi!]

[size= ]

[size=Now, except for the experts in labs,]

[size=The rest of us folks call ‘em CRABS;]

[size=Those tiny crustaceans]

[size=That lurk in bus stations]

[size=And oft in the rear seats of cabs.]

[size= ]

[size=In my own particular case,]

[size=The cause I could easily trace.]

[size=Though I hate to name names,]

[size=Or to fix folks with blames,]

[size=It was Georgia who fostered the race!]

[size= ]

[size=Oh, they bit and they hatched]

[size=While I grimaced and scratched;]

[size=Oh, they multiplied quicker]

[size=Than rummies drink likker!]

[size=Yes, to me they were fondly attached!]

[size= ]

[size=Upon the sage druggist’s advice,]

[size=I purchased a cure for the lice;]

[size=I made my anointment, ]

[size=A tube of Blue Ointment,]

[size=To say that it worked will suffice.]

[size= ]

[size=Now that I’m clear of the curse, ]

[size=I can’t say I’m any the worse,]

I’ve learned a great deal
[size=From my “awkward” ordeal;]

[size=And I’ll sum it up now with this verse.]

[size= ]

[size=If ever you’re plagued by ennui,]

[size=Invite Georgia to a nocturnal spree;]

[size=She’s always quite willing]

[size=For anything thrilling,]

[size=But beware of the dread Pubic Pediculi!]

[size= ]
                       

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 Posted: Tue Aug 15th, 2006 05:38 pm
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2nd Post
lostsocks
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Joined: Sun Jun 11th, 2006
Location: Cambridge, United Kingdom
Posts: 226
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Mana: 
I can imagine hearing it in a crowded & seedy dive.

Not only is the story funny "as is" but it evokes images of the story-teller. You feel like a member of a group hearing it orated.

lol thought the BB code could use some improvement ;)

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