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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > The Radio

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The Radio  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2018 01:42 am
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Potabasil
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Location: Peyton Place, New Hampshire USA
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Mana: 
She was sitting at her kitchen table
Listening to the radio when I called
around to see how she was doing
Of late she had sleepless nights
with the pain on her right side
undiagnosed

She turned the radio up a notch
apologising she started reminiscing
The sadness in her eyes said it all
He was dead on the radio

She sat and drank the cold tea
and said to me
"He took me to my first dance
I remember the night
even what I wore
a navy cardigan and green skirt
we danced and danced
now he's dead on the radio"

Her husband walked in and sat
awhile, I said she's sad he's dead
on the radio
he looked away with sadness
not for the man who gave her the
first dance who died on the radio

Last edited on Sat Apr 14th, 2018 01:43 am by Potabasil

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 Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2018 05:05 am
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in media res
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Mana: 
Quite touching.

Husband's reaction makes for a mystery that could go in many directions.


Best,

IMR

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 Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2018 10:54 am
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Potabasil
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Mana: 
Thank you In Media Res. Needs a bit of editing

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 Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2018 12:24 am
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in media res
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Mana: 
I was not criticizing the mystery.

Just so you know, I like the mystery.

Best,

IMR

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 Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2018 01:22 am
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Potabasil
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Mana: 
I know that IN Media. But I still think it needs editing. Yep it's a mystery to me as well

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 Posted: Mon Apr 30th, 2018 03:22 am
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timmy
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Mana: 
This could do with some names, methinks, Potabasil. The pronouns are a bit overwhelming.

"He was dead on the radio" is a great line. Your compassion in the writing is evident, as usual. I enjoyed reading this.

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