I agree, lovely. And the images are grand. I tried it in the present tense and liked it even more. You might want to experiment with that. It seemed to increase the urgency of the moment and the images as well.
Thanks for your reply. Glad my suggestion may have opened a door. I've always liked bramble and other such words --colorful, less obvious choices.
I am directing "Bus Stop" by William Inge right now (opening Nov. 16.) The first time I read the play, I thought, what am I going to do with this piece of silliness. As I did my homework before starting rehearsals, I found out Inge is now known as the 'forgotten playwright." A contemporary of Tennessee Williams and Arthur Miller and other greats of his day, he never really achieved their immortality. Throughout his career he fought constantly with directors who insisted on changing his work. Sadly, he committed suicide in 1973 after a string of failures.
As I dug deeper into the play, I discovered incredible depth and layer upon layer of meaning. I've always believed in the credo that there is a reason for every word a playwright chooses, but anyway, all of this is taking the long way around to saying I have rarely found a play so carefully worded.
Every day, in rehearsal, we find words carefully placed that have deep connections to all the other words --and the words 'between the lines.' I am fortunate to have a cast who was willing to bring to life my vision of this play as a work of great importance, not just a light comedy. The humor is intact but I expect the house manager will be cleaning up at least a few tissues after performances.
I'm glad this poetry section of the forum is here because poetry also requires such careful choice of words --one must say so much with so little. Look at every word of your poem carefully and decide why each one is there. Let me know what you find.
P.S. If this is part of a series, I hope we will see more??? (hint, hint)