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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > need theories

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 Posted: Tue Nov 21st, 2006 04:21 pm
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timmy
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Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
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Mana: 

(i) i’m lucky the box

has no cover & i can

still count & stars still

shine at night

 

the only thing i fear

is rain in the corrugated

world in which i live

 

rain is my enemy:

my heart becomes limp,

arms peel in layers

 

i long

for stability

of wood

 

(ii) the sky was made so

not everyone can reach it

 

it is mostly blue,

i am often sad

 

there must be a correlation

 

(iii) even in extremes,

we are all the same

 

justification often lies

in the temperature of water

or angle of mirror 

 

 

 

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 Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 02:58 am
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scenedreamer
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Mana: 
Timmy,

Another good poem.  Excellent images. 

I got distracted by the wording of a couple of lines.  Here's some ideas that seem to improve the flow at least to my ear. 

(i) i’m lucky the box
has no cover & i can

still count & stars still
shine at night                            I love the opening stanza.  Terrific.


the only thing i fear
is rain in the corrugated          I would change this to "is the rain, in my corrugated world"
world in which i live              I would eliminate this line.
rain is my enemy:

my heart becomes limp,        "becomes limp" is too tentative. Maybe "my heart, limp,
arms peel in layers                 My arms peel in layers

i long
for stability
of wood                             Maybe "for" wood 

(ii) the sky was made so     The sky created so
not everyone can reach it
it is mostly blue,                  Mostly blue

i am often sad                      So often I am sad
there must be a correlation
(ii) even in extremes,
we are all the same

justification often lies
in the temperature of water
or angle of mirror 


Like all good art this one inspires acquistion.  I want to own it in my spirit.  But I fear changing will only destroy it.  This is just some ideas for you to play around with.   Not intending to change the concept or alter the style.  You are great at both.

sd

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 Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 03:57 pm
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John Watts
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Mana: 
The images are great.  I like the lines as they are.  If there is distraction perhaps there needs to be.  If the flow of a rivef is distracted by bolders it can make for a more interesting path.    

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 Posted: Fri Nov 24th, 2006 12:45 am
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timmy
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Mana: 
...thanks for both sets of comments. my poems are always first drafts so i appreciate "any" comments that make both reader and writer think about things...

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