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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > HONEY I'M HOME

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 Posted: Fri Dec 1st, 2006 03:20 am
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John Watts
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Location: Newark, New Jersey USA
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Mana: 
HONEY I'M HOME 

 

It’s getting cold

Getting dark early now

Streetlights tell when home is near

Bursts of random light chorus from the dwellings of returning souls

Repeating across the chain of lives with bright moments and dim regrets

 

Glowing windows beckon through darkness

Each frame clutching a tale

A light switch clicks

An encounters begins

A man removes his coat

A woman picks up her cat

A young boy presses nose to window glass

When will the snow come he asks

 

It’s getting cold

Getting dark early now

Focusing the journey as elevator doors sever the world

Climbing above the walking confluence of tired feet

Directing the passion as up turned heads await the command of digital numbers

And waiting corridors call out honey I’m home

 

A crayoned dog called Rusty with legs like sticks

Smiles from paper taped to the bottom of 5A

2B plays Mozart 3D plays Rap

6A is fried Chicken

Leftovers in 4C

Honey I’m home

 

Silent threads weave beneath the voices

A harvest of consequence

Day meeting night

 

6D accepts the ritual of entry key  

Fingers through darkness reach

Igniting the digital window

Filling space with light

Silence with sound

The evening news

The weather

The scores

Voice mail

Email

spam  

  

It’s getting cold

Getting dark early now

Drawing in about the windows

Framing each commitment each rejection each consolation

 

What’s for dinner baby?

Do that again and I’m leaving

I like everything about you but you're not him

Let’s get a Christmas tree Daddy

 

Bursts of random light chorus from dwellings of returning souls

Repeating across the chain of lives with bright moments and dim regrets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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 Posted: Fri Dec 1st, 2006 04:37 pm
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Edd
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Mana: 
Bursts of random light chorus from the dwellings of returning souls
Repeating across the chain of lives with bright moments and dim regrets


John,

Absolutely gorgeous.  The two lines I have highlighted above were breathtaking.  I wish I had written them.  Thank you. 


What did you write today?




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 Posted: Fri Dec 1st, 2006 06:39 pm
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Poet
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Mana: 
What the big guy said. Plus...

The only four bits that stuck out to me as maybe requiring a minor look were typographical; you've obviously (I assume) consciously structured it so that the lines get progressively longer and shorter (I'm sure there's a name for it!) but you breach the rule four times - they're obvious. For me, I felt just the teensiest bit saddened - like looking at a brilliant watercolour (which I collect) where there is a small blemish on one small part of a frame. For me, it niggles. It detracts from the main. I'd have to change the frame, so as not to ruin my enjoyment of the content.

My handle is Poet, but that's a total fluke because of my first post - when I didn't, to be honest, intend to get hooked on this wonderful, supportive, creative place - and I generally don't comment on the poetry here mainly because I'm frankly too thick to understand most of it. But this had a strange effect; it made me feel happy and incredibly sad at the same time, and I don't know why. Did you intend that?

I think it was this exchange; is this the four people's voices I hear? If so then it's truly well observed, and extraordinarily poignant; if I'm right (and I'm probably not) there's a huge backstory summed up by

What’s for dinner baby?
Do that again and I’m leaving

I like everything about you but you're not him
Let’s get a Christmas tree Daddy

I hear four (ok, possibly three, and maybe even two if I'm really wide of the mark) voices, which damn near bring me to tears. But, as I say, I'm not best placed to judge; however, it made me think, it made me read it again, and again, and again, and think again... and I enjoyed it. I can't do this depth; that's why I (try and) write comedy. But I have massive respect for those that can.

Thanks Mr Watts!

PS As an aside - just think - how much does Mr Thain save us on books, being able to read this stuff every day for free, and (maybe) improve our own work at the same time? And it cost him to set this up and maintain it! I know I'm a newbie, not in the league of many here, and it's really not my place to say - but thanks, Paul. If you're ever down Gloucester / Cheltenham way, the best lunch you can imagine is on me! And you can genuinely call that in with a PM any time you want to (in fact, I'd be peeved if you didn't).

Last edited on Fri Dec 1st, 2006 06:41 pm by Poet

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 Posted: Fri Dec 1st, 2006 07:09 pm
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John Watts
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Mana: 
Glad you like those lines, me too, that's why I repeated them.      

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 Posted: Fri Dec 1st, 2006 07:16 pm
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John Watts
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Mana: 
Thank you for the comment.  I wrote the poem yesterday for an open mic poetry session at a local Starbucks in the evening.  I intend to work more on this piece and hopefully make the line conform to the obvious attempt to control the pattern. 

There are four voices intended.  They come from personal sources but hopefully are universal.

 

   

  

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 Posted: Sat Dec 2nd, 2006 04:18 am
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scenedreamer
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Mana: 
Gee, I just plain liked it.

Excellent.

sd

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