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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Falling Over Love

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 Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 11:15 pm
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lostsocks
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Mana: 

Falling Over Love



I'm falling into your eyes,
and I can't look down...

Because that's where your tits are.

You leave me speechless
lost for words...

Because that reparte sounded so much better in my head

And so, if between the stammering, pain, embarrassment and unyielding terror I forget to be in love with you, forgive me.
Because I was before you came in.

Wisdom and experience is wasted on the old.

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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 03:03 am
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scenedreamer
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Interesting beginning, but it seems to deteriorate to meaningless male jargon. 

You can do better.  It needs work.

sd

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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 04:30 am
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ohdear
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Mana: 
you captured my imagination with your opening line

I'd prefer it without the tits
That kind of destroys it for me
As does that action you are describing

I am intruiged by the terror
I would like to see it reworked
Why not imply rather than spell it out

Just leave it that you cant look down and let us see what we want to see.
I mean, I pictured the heady heights of love,
Until you reduced it to....body parts
( a man on the other hand, may see it as...something else)

I like where it is going
But it could go much deeper



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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 06:00 pm
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timmy
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Mana: 
I like the beginning and I like the end.  "...I forgot to be in love with you" is a great line, as is the implied contrition. 

"Speechless / lost for words" is redundant. 

Not exactly sure why, but this reminds me of "Down, Wanton, Down" by Robert Graves.  There's something here, just not sure what.  "tits" reference reduces credibility a bit, but the message is so blatantly sexist, perhaps it doesn't matter (?)... 

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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 06:48 pm
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lostsocks
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Mana: 
i see your point. The "tits" part was mostly to give it an adolescent feel.
Being that young and male... well I'm yet to meet a 16 year old who was poetic about them ;)


Thanks for feedback, i'll play with it some more see if i can't make it a bit more subtle

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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 08:37 pm
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in media res
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lostsocks,

I love the opening, tits and all. I actually laughed in recognition.

I would disagree with the term sexist. I say it is human. It is being overcome and all the wonder/terror of it.

Great line with an homage in reverse to Shaw! "Wisdom and experience is wasted on the old." And I agree with Timmy on the line about "forgetting to fall in love."

Young people say, "If only I were older." Old people say "If ony I were younger." I guess life is just being stuck in between!

best,

in media res

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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 11:22 pm
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lostsocks
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Mana: 
My main aim with the "tits" line was less a sexual statement and more an attempt to break the reader out of the poetry.
Wouldn't really consider it sexist.

Sort of juxtaposing the ideal of love in the teenage mind with how it always seems to go.

It's meant to feel a bit like the moment was ruined I think.

Glad you liked it. "tits and all" shall remain one of my favourite pieces of critique ever received for some time to come :)

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 Posted: Mon Dec 18th, 2006 11:58 pm
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Paddy
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I don't usually read poetry...here..but I wanted to read this.

I think it's perfect.  Sweet, funny, real.  I agree with in media res...not sexist...not for a moment.  It's what plays should be.  A moving vital piece of someone's mind.  Not terribly deep and it shouldn't be.  It is exactly what it is.  The tits...well, it makes the poetry sweeter for me.

Maybe it's me.  It feels like crawling into a head and swimming in the chaos and poetry there.

Sorry...but I found this offensive...
...it seems to deteriorate to meaningless male jargon.
I can't even go into the many reasons why.

Paddy

Last edited on Tue Dec 19th, 2006 12:01 am by Paddy

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 Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 01:41 am
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in media res
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lostsocks,

Glad you enjoyed it. Quote me anytime!

Glad Paddy agrees with my assessment.

I'll thus share with you one of my favorite, improvised quotes of all time:

"You can take the boy out of the farm, but you can't take the tit out of his hand."

--Johnny Carson.

Carson was a small town Nebraska farmboy who became one of the most famous names in USA televison show business for 30 years. He died a few years ago. The night he died, David Letterman did a monologue all comprised of Carson's jokes, who had been secretly writing jokes during his retirement.

And, lostsocks, regarding this comment you made: "The "tits" part was mostly to give it an adolescent feel. Being that young and male... well I'm yet to meet a 16 year old who was poetic about them."

I enirely disagree. I find 16 year olds and 60 year olds the most honest in their poetic language regarding tits. The younger from the awe, hope and future promise. The elder from the honor and experience of their nourishment, succor and solace through birth, adolescence, adulthood - often parenthood - and then on into their anecdotage, subsequently looking forward to their ultimate demise. From both viewpoints - young and old - tits are precious, holy and wonderful: a continual life-sustaining force. And I know many women of all ages who unabashedly feel the same way about the male anatomy!

Whether straight or gay or anything in between I say:

"Bless us all! Bless us all!"

In the spirit of the Season: Good Tidings to one and all!

in media res

Last edited on Tue Dec 19th, 2006 03:27 am by in media res

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 Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 03:36 pm
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timmy
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Mana: 
Socks: no offense intended w/my "sexist" line.  I don't think you used it to offend anyone. And I don't think you did.  I was making a comment after a first read. A true poet wouldn't care anyway, which is why I like poetry.  Your observations about people's quirks and livehoods are always interesting and I enjoy reading your stuff. 

"tits" is a word, and so carries certain connotative defintions.   I still believe it's a "male" word and would certainly show as such in the slang vernacular of most Western male thinkers.  However, it is not my job to pidgeon hole people. In the slang vernacular of a 16 year old male, any word is appropriate.  

I teach 16 year olds.  Their language is generally open, honest, true, and often times quite brutal.  And then they are told to "grow up." Tits, cunt, snatch (or any other assorted name for female parts) are listed as "vulgar slang" in Standard English.  But, of course, Standard English, and its distribution of rules, remains dominated by committees of hypocritical, overweight, old, white guys.  Sometimes I think that's why poets/playwrights/artists exist.  To set them straight in a "real" world.  Please keep writing.  You're good at it.

timmy   

      

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 Posted: Tue Dec 19th, 2006 11:31 pm
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lostsocks
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Mana: 
No offence taken :)

I always appreciate hearing what people have to say and seeing how they take my writing.

Thank you for the kind words.


In Media Res...

I take it all back, you're right. Some sixteen year olds can wax lyrical about breasts in a way that often aludes me when I'm trying to discuss more mundane subjects like life the universe and everything *blush*

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 Posted: Wed Dec 20th, 2006 04:55 am
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in media res
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As teachers, have you seen "The History Boys?"

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 Posted: Sat Dec 23rd, 2006 12:40 pm
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timothy
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Mana: 
Good begining but as for the end bit-" wisdom and..." what is the relevance?

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