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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Tomorrow, the body

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 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
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Tomorrow, the body  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 04:21 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
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i am convinced heaven will reward
those who believe a day is nothing
more than buoys of grain spread
like so many wild wheat strands

i am not immune to false gods licking
my hands at night, making me dream

sleep lately is like playing bumper cars,
certain scenes whip by & by morning
my shoulder blades ache,
i taste electricity on my breath

i am convinced my love is fortune,
why else like a black cloud
have i followed you
for twenty-three years?

i am convinced you will
release me after harvest

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 Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 10:20 pm
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Edd
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Location: Denver, Colorado USA
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timmy,

I love this.  More than anything I have ever read of yours (over these many years) this is my favorite.  I felt connected.  Thank you.

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 Posted: Wed Dec 27th, 2006 02:44 pm
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
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Thank you, Edd.

If anyone is in the Twin Cites area on January 26 with nothing better to do, I'll be reading at Magers and Quinn Booksellers at 7:30 pm in Minneapolis.

Hope your memoirs are making progress.

timmy

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 12:33 pm
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J Brian Long
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Joined: Tue Jan 30th, 2007
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timmy,

There is something about this one...

I rescind what I wrote about the other poem of yours being

my favorite. This one, I think, works better as a whole. It

lacks the sense of drama that the other one keeps, but

this one acts more like a finished, polished poem. "the

taste of electricity" is wonderful.

 

--J Brian Long

 

I am convinced heaven will reward
those who believe a day is nothing
more than buoys of grain spread
like so many wild wheat strands

i am not immune to false gods licking
my hands at night, making me dream

sleep lately is like playing bumper cars,
certain scenes whip by & by morning
my shoulder blades ache,
i taste electricity on my breath

i am convinced my love is fortune,
why else like a black cloud
have i followed you
for twenty-three years?

i am convinced you will
release me after harvest

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 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 08:52 pm
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
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J Brian Long: 

many thanks for your kind comments...on all the poems.  very much appreciated.

timmy

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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Tomorrow, the body Top




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