View single post by QuixotesGhost
 Posted: Wed Feb 23rd, 2011 12:41 am
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Joined: Thu Feb 25th, 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 89
Posted a new draft on 7/3.

Made Gabriel's tale a bit more elaborate, and involving finger puppets.

Worked Garbiel to make him less manevolent and more unbalanced.

Changed Stan to be less of a "car saleman" and more of an infernal agent - more like Mephistoicles.

Moved the resolution to Adam's genitals earlier as part of the bargain that Stan makes and used to serve as a setup to one of Eve's previous lines.

Added an epilologue involving Dolphins and Satan.



The Furnishings of Good and Evil

by Jeff Keele

Character List:

Adam – in a state of idiotic innocence, raised in the most dyfunctional way possible

Eve- The other half of this dynamic duo

Gabriel – A warrior angel, a bit unbalanced, caretaker of Adam and Eve

Stan – An infernal agent who corrupts men's souls through furniture

The Lord God – Eternally disappointed in his creation

Flipper - Dolphin version of Adam

Flippete – Dolphin version of Eve

Satan – Who discovers all his work has already been done for him

Adam and Eve lay on the ground next to one another listening intently to the Archangel Gabriel who has just finished providing them with a lecture on moral instruction. Gabriel sits on a large rock.

Gabriel: ...and that's why, Adam and Eve, it's important to eat from each of the five food groups so that you can both stay healthy and strong.

Adam and Eve: Wow!

Gabreil: Can you name one of the five food groups, Eve?

Eve: Well, there's vegtables - and fruits.

Gabriel: Very good, Eve. What are some examples of fruits?

Eve: There's pears, and watermelons, and tomatoes, and apples, and -

Lights crash to red. Shadows of frightening angelic wings are projected against the backdrop, framing Gabriel


Eve: Um - no.

Lights crash back to a wash

Gabriel: Oh. Well, then.

The three of them share a long awkward silence

Adam: Read us a story!

Eve: Yes, a story!

Adam: Please, Uncle Gabriel!

Garbriel: Well, I don't know - it is past your bedtime.

Adam and Eve: (in unison) PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!

Gabriel: Well, alright, but just this once. Which one do you want to hear?

Eve: The one you were in the middle of last time.

Gabriel: About the war in heaven? Alright. Where was I? Oh yes. Heaven's armies - all arrayed, clad in saintly armor, stalwart – with a sacred fire in thier hearts - were ready to face the hordes of the rebellious angels in grim battle for Heaven's throne. And then Micheal -

Eve: Aren't you going to use the puppets?

Garbriel produces a “Micheal” and “Lucifer” Finger Puppet. Adam and Eve clap excitedly.

Garbiel: And then Micheal said – “Author of evil -”

Adam: C'mon do the voices!

Gabriel: “Author of evil, unkown till thy revolt

thy offspring, to the place of evil

Hell, thou and thy wicked crew! There mingle broils

ere this avenging sword bring they doom"

So spake the Prince of Angels. To whom thus

The Advesary: “No think thou with wind

of airy threats to awe whom yet with deeds Thou canst not - “

Adam: What?

Gabriel: And Micheal said, “Ooooh, I'm going to get you Lucifer!” And Lucifer said, “No, I'm going to get you Micheal!” Arrr.

Adam and Eve clap excitedly. As Garbriel recites the following monolouge he increasingly harms the figerpuppet almost tearing it into pieces.

And Micheal drew his celestial sword, shimmering and majestic - and plunged it in Lucifer's stomach, and twisted, and twisted, and twisted and ripped out his entrails - and hacked off his arm, and then his other arm, and then chopped off his head, and dragged him all over heaven with Jesus's flaming chariot and pitched him into the fiery depths of the infinite abyss where he burns and screams and burns and firey hot pokers gouge out his eyes and he burns and burns and screams in unimagible, unintelligible, monstrous pain and his limbs are boiled and made into a hearty soup -

Gabriel is out of breath and pants like a bloodthirsty dog. Adam and Eve are scared out of thier wits.

Eve: Uncle Gabriel?

Gabriel: WHAT!

Gabriel suddenly becomes very aware of himself.

Oh – um – Amen. (pause.) And go to bed – so – sayeth the Lord.

Gabriel crosses himself hastily.

Pleasant dreams.

Gabriel crosses further to the exit then stops as he remembers something

Oh, that's right. I was sent here also to warn you – warn you of an evil presence in the garden.

Eve: Oh - I've had nightmares about it. A talking snake.

Gabriel: A what?

Eve: A snake! It talks!

Gabriel: That's nice. But the one I was sent to warn you about, his name is Stan.

Adam: Is he a demon? The demon Stan?

Gabriel: He's a sort of demon - He's a salesman. A furniture salesman.

Adam and Eve think about this for a moment, obviously lost.

Adam: What's a "furniture"?

Gabriel: Just "furniture". Not "a furniture", it's a collective noun - ahhh never mind. Well, furniture can be all sort of things - but what's most important about it is that furniture is a possesion. Possesions are bad, very bad. The first step on the road to "civilization" – to the Fall. And civilization - Well, first you have furniture, then you have money, then you have war. Furniture - furniture is the root of all evil.

Eve: I still don't understand.

Gabriel: Like a chair, a chair is a piece of furniture, it's something you sit on. Normally apolstered, soft and cushy, stuffed with things like - sort of like bird's feathers.

Adam: That sounds pretty comfortable -

Lights crash to red. Dark angelic wings once appear around Gabriel.


Adam: Oh, sorry.

Lights crash back to a wash. Gabriel once again begins to leave.

Adam: Before you go, one more thing.

Gabriel: What?

Adam: (Adam stands) I, uh, have to go to the bathroom. And, well, um- (Gestures to the fact that he has no genitals) I don't - God hasn't - I don't have a - penis yet.

Gabriel: God will give you your genitals when he feels you are good and ready to use them responsibly.

Adam: But I have to go now. I've had to go for the past week.

Gabriel: I told you not to drink so much water. Go to bed.

Gabriel exits, lights go down. Lights come up, Adam and Eve are both sitting on two very large stones. They shift uncomfortably upon them.

Adam: These rocks really chafe my ass.

Eve: So what'd do you want to do?

Adam: I dunno.

Eve: Do you want to go name some animals?

Adam: I've already named them all.

Eve: Do you want to go bathe in the fountain of youth?

Adam: I always get all wrinkly.

Eve: Has God given you your penis yet?

Adam: No. (pause) You've asked me that four times in the past hour.

Eve: Yeah.

Stan, a sinister figure dressed in black, approaches behind them unseen.

Stan: Well met, children of men. Glorious day in the garden , wouldn't you say? A day ripe for transgression!

Dramatic strings play.

Adam: What?

Stan: Oh, nothing.

Stan inspects the rocks that they are both sitting on.

I see the two of you have a dire, dire - almost infernal need of some fine furnishings.

Stan employs infernal magic to summon a tacky deck chair. Adam and Eve look upon it seized with desire and temptation.

Eve: What is that?

Adam: My god, it's a chair! Eve, this is the man the angel warned us about.

Eve: The - furniture salesman?

Adam: Yes! Do you - sell furniture, then?

Stan: I do sell furniture.

Dramatic strings play.

I was sent to provide a service, a valuble service to you, O children of God.

Adam: You're too late! God has already sent a messenger to warn us of your lies.

Stan: God? God warned you about furniture? How ironic. The Allmighty, providing proclimations and decrees concerning furniture all while sitting upon his throne. My children, do you even know what a throne is?

Adam: No.

Stan: A throne is a type of chair.

Adam: You lie!

Stan: It's true. In this chair – you would be like gods.

Eve, almost hypnotised, moves towards the chair.

Adam: Eve?

Eve: Is it dangerous?

Stan: Not at all.

Eve kneels on it backwards

Eve: I don't get it.

Stan: Other way.

Eve poisitions herself correctly and ponders the chair.

Eve: It's very comfortable.

Adam: Eve, the angel told us not to be tempted.

Eve: No, you have to try this.

Eve gets up, and enticingly guides Adam towards the chair. Adam sits.

Adam: Holy fuck.

Eve: I know!

Stan: And now that race of man is now comfortable – he is now free to ponder the mysteries of the cosmos, instead of fretting about his chafed ass. Think, my child think!

Adam thinks very intently.

Adam: Wait! No! Wait! No! Wait! I see a vision -

Stan: Yes?

Adam: Of a future age, of buildings, and doors. And where commemrative plates might be delilvered to those same doors if one only “acts now”. Of great works of drama and a glorious struggle where try as they might – Gilligan never escapes the island. And pastries, pastries of convience, which one does not have to bake, but only toast - called “Pop-tarts.”

Stan: O Wondorous Age!

Eve: O Wonderous Age!

Adam: O Wonderous Age! Two chairs – we'll take two. No, four!

Eve: Eight!

Adam: Make it eight!

Stan: Excellent – however, of all the trees in Eden, there is only one tree, one tree which is a decent furniture tree. From which I might build for you a handsome 4-piece dinette set – with inlay.

Stan points.

Adam: The tree of knowledge of good and evil?

Adam and Eve look at each other apprehensively.

Adam: Four piece dinnette set you say?

Eve: With inlay?

Stan nods.

Adam: We'll take it.

Stan: Now, as you should know, all things have a price. Did you want to pay up front or - there is a payment plan. $39.99 a month - very affordable.

Adam and Eve look at each other uncomfortably.

Adam: Um...

Eve: We don't have any money.

Stan: Oh.

Stan begins to leave.

Adam: Wait! We have other things.

Stan: Like what?

Adam picks a pebble off the ground and tries to offer it for trade. Stan once again begins to leave.

Eve: Hold on. What about that thing that God gave us?

Adam: He gave us lots of things.

Eve: The extra thing.

Adam searches himself trying to figure out what this might be. As he is doing so he he starts touching his ribs and comes to a realization. He gestures to Stan that he wants to offer Eve in trade for the furniture.

Eve: NO! The other extra thing.

Adam: Oh yeah! Immortal souls! We have immortal souls! Wait -

Stan: Yes. That will do.

Adam: I, um, well, I don't know, you see, I only have one -

Stan: What about half your immortal soul?

Adam: Only half? I guess I don't need the whole thing - What do you think, Eve?

Eve: Ummmmmmmmmmmm...............

Adam: My favorite song!

Adam and Eve (Harmonizing): Ummmmmmmmmmmm......

Stan: I'll throw in a penis for Adam for free.

Adam and Eve exchange glances. The think intently for a moment.

Eve: DO IT.

Adam shrugs, shakes Stan's hand

Stan: Okie dokie. I'll have it built for you in a jiffy.

Stan gingerly produces a chainsaw, revs it, and proceeds off-stage in the direction of the tree with a bubbly sense of determination. Lights go down, Lights come up. Adam is now wearing a top hat, monocle, and a fig leaf. He looks pleased as punch and his head bobs gaily back and forth to a tune that only he can hear.Eve is now wearing fig leaves and a Victorian woman's hat. They both now speak with British accents. Adam is sitting down at his new four-piece dinnette set while Eve serves him tea.

Adam: My word! Isn't civilization marvelous!

Eve: Oh yes, darling, absolutley marvelous!

Adam: I suddenly have a sudden urge to -

Eve: -to what?

Adam: Say things like "Pip! Pip!"

Eve: Do it!

Adam: Pip! Pip!

They both giggle incessantly over this.

Adam: And "Cherrio"!

Eve: DO IT!

Adam: Cherrio!

They giggle incessantly again.

Adam: Pip! Pip!

Eve: Cherrio!

Giggle again.

Oh! I almost forgot! I got you a present!

Adam: A present - for me?

Eve: Close your eyes.

Eve exits. Adam's head resumes bobbing back and forth as he resumes humming his happy tune. Eve returns with a silver platter.

Eve: Suprise!

Eve unveils the silver platter. A bomb is perched on it.

For the war you wanted to fight this afternoon.

Adam: (sighing) You really are too good to me.

Eve: So what's it like? Fighting wars?

Adam: It's - um - glorious - very glorious - extremely glorious. Hmmm - um - One can write poems about it.

Eve: Poems? That's nice. Tell me a poem about war.

Adam: Alright.

Adam clears his throat and then recites various onomatopoeic words relating to war such as "boom", "bang", "ratatatatat", "urgh" making exagerated motions while doing so.

Eve: That didn't ryhme.

Adam: It's blank verse.

A loud peal of thunder cracks the sky. Adam's monocle falls into his cup of tea.

Eve: Oh my!

Adam: Blast! Who is it?

Eve: I think it's the Lord God.

Adam hastily hides the bomb.

The Lord God (VO): Adam, my beloved creation, thy - (pause, interupting himself) - ummm -

Adam: Oh, Hello, Old chum. Please do sit down. We have an extra - chair.

Eve: A chair!

They both laugh uproariously like a pair of heels.

Adam: Have a spot of tea. Eve made Earl Grey.

Eve: I made Earl Grey.

The Lord God (VO): I see that.

Eve: Do you take sugar?

The Lord God (VO): Where is the Tree of Knowledge?

Adam pats the table with pride.

The Lord God (VO): Adam, when I formed thou from the dust and clay, and breathed into thee the breath of life, and gavest thee dominion over all the beasts and birds – did I makest thou fucking stupid?

Adam: No. No. I don't believe so. I dunno, you tell me.

Eve: Pip! Pip!

Adam: Cherrio!

The Lord God (VO): Stop that.

Adam: Oh - hmm, maybe we have it back to front?

Eve: Back to front?

Adam: Cherrio!

Eve: Pip! Pip!

Adam: Is that better?

The Lord God (VO): No.

Adam: Pip!

Eve: Cherrio!

Adam: Pip?

The Lord God (VO): That's even worse. Blimey.

Adam visibly responds to the introduction of a new item of British slang.

Adam: Blimey?

Eve: Blimey!

Adam: Blimey, pip, cherrio, pip, cherrio, blimey!

A loud peal of thunder cracks the sky. Adam's monocle once again falls into his cup of tea.

Eve: Oh my!

The Lord God (VO): Adam - Adam - I want you to focus.

Adam retrives his monocle.

Eyes up here, Adam.

Adam reinserts his monocle and peers up.

The Tree of Knowledge. You made a table out of the Tree of Knowledge.

Adam: Yeah - smashing inn't it?

Eve: Absolulety smashing! It's got inlay!

The Lord God (VO): I think it's very disrepectful.

Adam: Oh.

The Lord God (VO): I specifically fordade you from partaking -

Adam: Partake? Well, listen, old chap, technically we did not partake -

Eve: He's got you there, guv'ner.

Adam: Indeed! And if you ask me the 'ole thing is entrapment. Planting a tree so as not to eat it? Bloody useless if you ask me. In fact, I think it demonstrated some outside of the box thinking to just cut the thing down instead. Get rid of the tree - get rid of the problem. Quite clever -

Eve: Very clever.

The Lord God (VO): Regardless, I think I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Adam: This is absolute bollocks.

The Lord God (VO): Language!

Adam: Oh, we know all you. A Hornswaggle, that's what this is. Stan told us all about your game, sitting pretty on your throne, your furniture – thinking you can hoard all the chairs for yourself. Chair-hoarder! I know you're supposed to be infinite, but how many chairs can you possibly need? How many arses can you possibly have?

The Lord God (VO): I have an infinite amount, Adam.

Adam: Oh.

The Lord God (VO): It's time for you to go.

Adam: You made us – You made us in your own image!

The Lord God (VO): Don't remind me.

At this point Adam comes across the place where he has hidden the bomb and has an idea. God clears his throat. During the following passage, Adam sneaks the bomb under his tophat and inches ever closer to God.

Your punishment for - (Sighs heavily) Your punishment - cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust -

Adam: I'm having trouble hearing you. Could you come closer?

The Lord God (VO): Oh. Is this good?

Adam: A little closer.

The Lord God (VO): What about now?

Adam: A smidge closer.

The Lord God (VO): This?

Adam: Perfect.

The Lord God (VO): - for dust thou art, and unto -

Adam unveils the bomb, grips it and hurls it towards God with all his might. It falls pathetically short, unexploded. There is an awkward silence. Adam finally inches sheepishly towards the bomb.

The Lord God (VO): GET OUT.

Adam and Eve slink off-stage. They then return and try to grab the table.


They both slink off stage. Blackout.

The Lord God (VO): I knew this was a mistake, trying it with the humans – should of stuck with the dophins. Wait – Gabriel -

Gabriel (VO): Yeah?

The Lord God (VO): We can still try it with the dophins, right, a do-over, resiting transgression, forbidden fruit – all that?

Garbriel (VO): I don't see why not.

The Lord God (VO): Yeah, let's do that – it'll be great – and there won't be any damned four-piece dinette sets or tea parties – I mean how's a dolphin going to drink tea? It's got flippers!

The Lord God starts thinking about this and starts guffawing.

Gabriel (VO): Ha! Flippers! Drinking tea!

Gabriel joins in the laughter.

Audio from the script so far plays very quickly in reverse.

Lights come up. Two dophins are sitting at the four-piece dinette set, one is wearing a monocle and a top hat, the other is wearing a large victorian hat – they are both drinking tea. They squeak excitedly, as dolphins do – one can almost make out a dophin squeak version of “Pip,Pip, Cheerio” then a large thunderclap sounds.

God sighs heavily.

The Lord God (VO): Flipper – When I formed thou from the – No – screw it - I give up. I give up. – I'm out - I can't work under these conditions – take care of it Gabriel.

Stomping that grows quieter before the slamming of a door is heard.

Gabriel (VO): Right then.

Gabriel enters, draws his sword, and slays both the dolphins. Much blood effuses as the dolphins squeak in thier death throes.

Gabriel: Takes care of that.

Gabriel exits. Satan enters. He stops as he surveys the scene of carnage.

Satan: Oh. Um – well – I guess – it all seemed to have worked itself out without me. So I guess you don't need me. I'll – uh – just be going and – goodbye. You won't have ol' Satan to kick around any more.

Satan slinks off pathetically and dejectedly.

Lights go down.


Last edited on Mon Jul 4th, 2011 03:15 am by QuixotesGhost