View single post by QuixotesGhost
 Posted: Wed Feb 23rd, 2011 04:24 pm
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QuixotesGhost

 

Joined: Thu Feb 25th, 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 89
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Mana: 
After posting this I'm starting to see the flaws in it, and they mainly stem from characterization. Gabriel ,as is, is too vitrolic and mean, however I think that be fixed pretty easily eliminating the line:

"Pleasant Dreams"

That line implies that the incredibly violent story about the war in heaven was intentionally designed to scare the crap out of the both of them, when I think it'd be better to imply that he simply got a little too caught up in it. Then eliminate the exclamation point on the first "Go to bed". And then work his interaction with Adam at the of the scene. I think it'd better if he was in general mostly benevolent towards Adam and Eve, even though they are trying his patience, and except, of course, when they say something that trips his "Transgression" sense.

Stan is too generic and needs to be more persusive, it'd be interesting if his argument mimiced somehow the argument that the serpent presents to Eve, but you know, involving furniture. I also think there is an intresting idea to be explored there - that mundane creature comforts would be more tempting to man than spiritual concerns (which is what the serpent promises Eve, originally, that she would become like a god.) And the correlary of God failing to provide those same comforts - "PERFECTLY FINE ROCKS".  

The dick jokes are distracting, though thier main purpose is to show a dysfunctional relationship between Adam and God, since I see that as the main part of Adam and Eve's characters, the adult idiot-children of God raised in the most dysfunctional way possible. The problem is that the first one sort of sets up a dramatic question (as silly as it sounds): "Does Adam ever end up getting his penis?"  - I felt the need to tie up that loose end. I'd much perfer to only have the first joke and cut the rest, but like I said, it sort of leaves a loose end.

I'd also like to do more with Adam and Eve playing at "Civilization" (Let's have a tea party! Let's wear silly hats! Let's have a war!") I had this joke I wanted to work in about Adam having napalmed half the Garden "warring" with woodland critters but felt it was awkward to work in and God's schtick of "I'm very, very diappointed in you Adam" would wear thin (if it didn't already!) 

Last edited on Wed Feb 23rd, 2011 04:42 pm by QuixotesGhost