View single post by timmy
 Posted: Thu Oct 13th, 2011 10:35 pm
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timmy

 

Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1079
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Mana: 
Out of the two poems here, I like the first one better.

Why? b/c "official lies" supports your ending better. I also like the shorter couplets. Bang, bang kind of comments. Also matches up better with the ending. An ending which is really good, by the way. Capitalizing River is also a nice touch.

That being said, I'd eliminate "your" from the first version. Introducing 2nd person so late in the poem offers nothing constructive. Also, lining up Darwin with a "duck" might tempt me to line up Newton with an "apple"...an image more folks might be familiar with.

Your playfulness w/the language I have always admired.

timmy