View single post by Awfly Wee Eli
 Posted: Tue May 29th, 2012 04:49 pm
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Awfly Wee Eli


Joined: Thu Jan 12th, 2012
Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Posts: 32
Allan, what a great, epic feel this has! The machinations and deceptions are very intriguing, and I'm excited to read more and see how events unfold.

Unfortunately, the first scene, with the guards, doesn't grab my attention at all. I didn't get into the play until scene 2. I certainly understand the role of the chorus in ancient dramas, but they're pretty out of fashion now, so if you're going to use the guards in that way, you need to make sure there's is a really interesting scene. Think more of the guards' scene in _Hamlet_. We don't just get exposition from that scene. Interesting things happen in it.

I'm also unsure as to why the scene note in some scenes have so much explanation in them. The audience will never see them, so they won't be any help in that regard, and they won't be of much use to a director and cast, either. The dialogue in the Laertes/Adelfo scene lays out why Laertes is there and what he needs from Adelfo; there's no need to summarize it beforehand. Similarly, just saying that Syntyche (is it "Syntyche" or "Sytyche"? You have it written both ways throughout the act) and Casta arrive at merchant's is sufficient; no one is helped by knowing that it is "far away".

Be wary of anachronistic speech. You have a good ear for the loftier, more high-flown language of older plays, but you periodically lapse into modernisms, like "We need to talk" and "It's so boring". Those are likely to throw audiences out of the story.

One last small note: in Scene 4, Laertes says
"I have another friend that Syntyche
Trusts most defiantly."
I'm guessing you meant "definitely" there. I don't normally point out minor mechanical errors, but those are two *very* different words.