View single post by QuixotesGhost
 Posted: Wed May 30th, 2012 02:13 am
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QuixotesGhost

 

Joined: Thu Feb 25th, 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 89
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Mana: 
I really like it too, you've done an excellent job of defining characters and setting up the conflict. I like a lot of the metaphors, such as Laertes comparing marriage to wine-making.

I agree with Awfly about the first scene. the writing is pretty loose there, it needs tightening. I know they are merely guards, but they speak in a way that isn't particularly interesting and often have a sort of "spongy" quality to their speech, where they meander and use more words than are required. Make the guards more interesting, perhaps make them funnier - it's important that the audience finds them interesting and listens to what they say for they are revealing to the audience the premise. If they are interested in the guards, they are interested in the premise.