View single post by grinderwriting
 Posted: Wed Jan 30th, 2013 06:45 pm
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grinderwriting



Joined: Wed Jan 30th, 2013
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 18
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Mana: 
I like this "what happens when you die" genre - it allows a lot of freedom to create, and that's what you've done in this excerpt.

One of the things that I was slightly confused by was the tone of the piece - is this comedy or drama? At times it feels like black comedy, other times it borders on melodrama. In this particular genre I'd personally find it hard to take anything too seriously, so you may find that a comedic approach is a better way to get you where you want to go.

I also think you're giving away a bit too much of the store - in the monologues especially you're telling us things that would be much more interesting if we discovered them for ourselves (like that he's died and gone to Hell, or that he flunked out of school). Right now I feel like there's nowhere to go - in just a few pages of dialogue we've learned that Armand is going to learn a few lessons, and may or may not get to go to Heaven - so?

I hope this is helpful criticism - I'm new at this, so please bear with me. I think this story has some potential, so I do hope you keep at it.