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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Poise in Smooth Dancing

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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1085
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Mana: 
it’s your life now, hold it close—

like an infinite number your life extends

like moon rays, like strands of music

listened to and remembered—

 

you were given life & visitors

came: sisters, neighbors, teachers, 

men in books—

they all watched

you grow, gave you advice

concerning geometry, red

licorice & white panty love

 

your hand now rests

on his shoulder, young thoughts

of coffee & theme paper dance

in your head, your red dress

somewhere between black & white—

it doesn’t matter what you wear

 

the only moment that matters

is now: you are heir

to your womanhood, spill

yourself onto the floor, move

your feet to his rhythm,

celebrate for the rest of your life

J Brian Long
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Joined: Tue Jan 30th, 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Status: 
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Mana: 
timmy,

The second strophe resonates most with me. This is where the poem

really begins to happen:

"you were given life & visitors

came: sisters, neighbors, teachers, 

men in books—

they all watched

you grow, gave you advice

concerning geometry, red

licorice & white panty love"

 

I also like:

 

"...spill

yourself onto the floor,"

 

--J Brian Long



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