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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Physics 101

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Physics 101  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Wed Jul 11th, 2007 04:19 pm
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
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Mana: 
we are here because time once
said “i love you”

as easily as water might walk
we were attached

at the hips like two apples
on a thin branch

waiting to become applesauce
in a pink bowl

is easier than mist grabbing at purple
lilacs on a June morning

back in 1985, that same water came
drop-by-drop standing

on white stones near our doorstep
and we listened as time took

two parts of our hydrogen for each
oxygen we shared

Last edited on Wed Jul 11th, 2007 04:20 pm by timmy

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 Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 02:32 pm
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DWolfman
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Mana: 
I really like this, Timmy. I like the topic, the essence, the connection of the physics to the emotion.  Since you first posted it, it has haunted me in a pleasant way.

The reason it has taken so long to respond is that I get lost at the "waiting to become applesauce" line.  The images of the sauce and the pink bowl followed by the mist, purple mornings and specifying June are so vivid and distinct that my flow from "water" to "water" seems sidetracked and away from the "Physics" hook.  Also, I always stumble on the "is easier than" line.  I wonder if you could do without the part from "waiting" to "morning." No offense meant.

However, that last bit about the hydrogen and oxygen is genius.

Last edited on Fri Jul 27th, 2007 02:34 pm by DWolfman

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 Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 09:54 pm
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timmy
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Dwolfman:

...thank you for your critique. your points are more than valid and no offense taken.

"applesauce/pink bowl" is a sexual reference that is obviously not working...

...try reading stanza's 2 & 3 together as one thought, followed by 4 & 5 as a separate thought, although I like your suggestion about maybe just scratching it. I will strongly consider this.

timmy

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