The Playwrights Forum Home 
 

SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
THE WORLD'S LARGEST PLAY DATABASE

  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP NEW CYBERPRESS PLAYS PLAYWRIGHTING BOOKS PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THE THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > MORNING LAKE

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click here for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
MORNING LAKE  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 04:37 pm
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
in media res
Moderator
 

Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
Location:  
Posts: 1922
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
MORNING LAKE

How silent lies the morning lake

Spent from rage of night storm,

Settled in its cradle, breathing silent gurgles

As infant from tantrum spent.

Down are branches. Scattered are leaves.

In humid air gulls dine slow on breakfast beach.

Solitary morning old people sit on wooden benches

Arranged like artist's statues

Perfect untrusting distance apart.



On wet gravel paths

Runners’ shoes lightly kiss pish-pish

As they glide by

The sloosh-schlub of dragging walkers.

Tortoises and hares

Back and forth to nowhere.

Till they all sit like statues

Arranged by the gods.



I am a runner,

I vary on this very path.

When I stop

I see where I am going.

Then the lake swells a quandary:

Run faster?

Or slower?

Last edited on Fri Jul 27th, 2007 04:39 pm by in media res

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Sat Jul 28th, 2007 03:05 am
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
timmy
Member
 

Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
...nice picture, both visual and audible. I like both aspects. Just a hint of internal rhyme...nice.

"Arranged like artist's statues
Perfect untrusting distance apart." Wonderful image. "untrusting" is a great word here. And I like no punctuation...makes it seems like four separate images at the same time.

...not sure you even need the last stanza. Poems don't have to make a point. Both the endings of stanza 1 and stanza 2 tie in nicely for me. Makes the ending rather forced...

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Mon Jul 30th, 2007 02:16 pm
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
in media res
Moderator
 

Joined: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006
Location:  
Posts: 1922
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
timmy,

Thank you. I agree poems do not have to have a point. Yeah, it is forced. I had the feeling but not the words.

And I think it could definitely end at the end of the second stanza. Did not think of that. Great idea. the feeling of being troubled is implied and the words are merely added weight.

If you have time please comment;


I wanted to make the lake a living and eternal mutable being next to the elderly people and have a passing moment be immediatley and personally troubling in an odd way that those things happen in the least expectant of places or situations. The poem does not have to be that however. Ending at second stanza as is works just fine especially if I take the word "they" out of it. Thus:


On wet gravel paths

Runners’ shoes lightly kiss pish-pish

As they glide by

The sloosh-schlub of dragging walkers.

Tortoises and hares

Back and forth to nowhere.

Till all sit like statues

Arranged by the gods.


But, if I were to personalize the second stanza with the words "my" and "we" as below, which brings the observer directly into the poem, do you think it would work? Or is it too much?




On wet gravel paths

My runners’ shoes lightly kiss pish-pish

As they glide by

The sloosh-schlub of dragging walkers.

Tortoises and hares

Back and forth to nowhere.

Till we all sit like statues

Arranged by the gods.




thanks,

in media res

Last edited on Mon Jul 30th, 2007 02:19 pm by in media res

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Wed Aug 1st, 2007 07:39 pm
  PM Quote Reply
4th Post
timmy
Member
 

Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1078
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
...of the two pieces offered here, I prefer the first. Using a collected "we" implies an inclusiveness that isn't true for everyone.

...I don't mind "first person" as POV in any poem. It's valid. I just don't personally care for "we"...reminds me too much of USA Today. It's creepy.

timmy

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

Current time is 11:55 am  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > MORNING LAKE Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1541 seconds (22% database + 78% PHP). 27 queries executed.