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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Wooden Spoons

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 Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 06:22 pm
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muncy
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Mana: 
Nice Lostsocks. Puts me in mind of Flanagan and Allen.

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 Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 04:05 pm
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kris
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Mana: 
Hi, lostsocks,

It's been said that unconscious punning is a sign of genius...

I'm glad to know that about wooden spoons -- another gap filled!

kris

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 Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 03:57 pm
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lostsocks
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Mana: 
Thanks for the feedback

A Wooden Spoon is a traditional prize for the loser in a race, hence the title.

I hadn't considered the tense of the second couplet, I suppose in my train of thought, the abdication was an event in the past, whilst the advice about seeing me acting strangely was a reference to possible future events.

The "out of place" pun was happy accident :)

the jolt at the end was intended, though I can see what you mean. I had been trying to find a way of saying everyone is strange really but that not everyone embraces their own oddities.

 

I shall keep mulling it over,

Glad you enjoyed it

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 Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 03:35 pm
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kris
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Mana: 
Hi, lostsocks,

I enjoyed your poem, and it made me chuckle. Short and simple, but with a deep message. I don't know if your brilliant play on words in the first couplet was intentional or a serendipitous accident -- I'm referring to "came in third" and "out of place." In racetrack lingo, third literally is out of place, which is second.  Win, place and show. Either way, a very fun pun.

I wondered why, in the second couplet, you chose past tense "chose" rather than present tense "choose." It could be either. But after that, the poem moves into the present and then the conditional future of "If you see me..." This ("choose") could be a good place to make the transition.

Also, I did not like the last line, "What's your excuse?" Up to that point, the poem has a sweet whimsicality about it, but that line is hostile. So are the other options you considered but wisely didn't use. Of course, you may want the ending to be a jolt, or a skewering, but then the poem loses some of its whimsy, which, for me, is perhaps its chief charm. You could simply delete that line, ending with, "But I'm on leave, from London Zoo," and have a fine poem.

And the title escapes me. There must be some connection I'm not making. Wooden spoons clacking together inarticulately? If so, "Wooden Spoons" could be the title of countless poems! "A Specious Species" came to mind, or maybe something to do with hybrids? I'm sorry I don't get "Wooden Spoons."

All in all, a delightful poem to read with my morning coffee. Thank you!

Kris



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 Posted: Wed Sep 5th, 2007 01:19 pm
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lostsocks
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Wooden Spoons

 

I came third in the human race

And now feel somewhat out of place,

 

With mankind I don't equate,

So I chose to abdicate,

 

To be a man is quite absurd,

Why not Zebra or a bird?

 

So if you see me out of line,

Please remember this short rhyme;

 

My ways they may seem strange to you

But I'm on leave, from London Zoo

 

What's your excuse?

 

 

--------------

Alternative endings when:

 

"But I find your ways irksome too"

or

"but yours seem strange in London Zoo"

I'm awful at making up my mind

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