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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Vacant Eden

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 Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:04 am
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timmy
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Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1079
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Mana: 
there are animals in the city
tonight off in the distance
sounding like conch horns

warning the motel
of oncoming rust,
waxing its doors
with nostalgia

men and women have been coming
here for years, their hearts speaking
to each other without accents

dreaming after intercourse
about love, and their hearts,
though talking tough, bruising
easily, waking in morning
to walk in the world yet again
in search of the perfect
one-night-stand

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 Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 01:48 pm
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2nd Post
J Brian Long
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Joined: Tue Jan 30th, 2007
Location: USA
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Mana: 
Timmy,

The first and third strophes are my favorites, the first because of its

surrealist overtones and the third because it's just lovely and I like

your line breaks in the first two lines of that section, also.

 

--J Brian Long

 

 

Last edited on Sat Sep 15th, 2007 01:49 pm by J Brian Long

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