The Playwrights Forum Home 
 

SEARCH STAGEPLAYS.COM
THE WORLD'S LARGEST PLAY DATABASE

  STAGEPLAYS BOOKSHOP NEW CYBERPRESS PLAYS PLAYWRIGHTING BOOKS PUBLISH MY PLAY AFFILIATE PROGRAM THE THEATRE BANNER EXCHANGE  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Without You This Evening

* STAGEPLAYS WANTS TO PUBLISH YOUR PLAY *
click here for details

 Moderated by: Paddy, Edd
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
Without You This Evening  Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 02:34 am
  PM Quote Reply
1st Post
timmy
Member
 

Joined: Fri Jun 9th, 2006
Location: Oz, Minnesota USA
Posts: 1079
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
the geese are in the empty fairground field.
contemplating the tether of their instinct.
the wind has died. even the leaves
seem to know when to drop to a cold ground.

without you this evening, the drapes
sweep the floor through the south
open window. i step the floor
back and forth. wondering.

it is true when you are late, i worry:
you have stalled in traffic. you
have found someone else
to laugh with this evening.

it is true, i ask your forgiveness.
that you cannot cancel and enter
on behalf of this solitary evening.

life would be so simple
if we both had the instinct
of the geese gathered
in the empty fairground field.
maybe then, and only then,
would worry seem so unnatural.

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

 Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 04:06 am
  PM Quote Reply
2nd Post
Edd
Moderator


Joined: Sat Jun 10th, 2006
Location: Denver, Colorado USA
Posts: 1622
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 

Very beautiful.  I know this feeling.

Back To Top PM Quote Reply

 Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 09:36 am
  PM Quote Reply
3rd Post
J Brian Long
Member
 

Joined: Tue Jan 30th, 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Status: 
Offline
Mana: 
Timmy,

The first two strophes are a (different, almost complete) poem, altogether:

 

the geese are in the empty fairground field.
contemplating the tether of their instinct.
the wind has died. even the leaves
seem to know when to drop to a cold ground.

without you this evening, the drapes
sweep the floor through the south
open window. i step the floor
back and forth. wondering.

 

What pulled me into your poem are the images you employ, particularly

the empty fairground field and the drapes sweeping the floor at the

south open window. The drapes really got me; I could watch that for

a long time; a month ago the wife, kids, and I visited the Biltmore Estate,

and all the windows were open to the summer, their long, white drapes

ghosting the sills --I was transported by your poem back to that for a

moment; thank you.

 

The poem explains a lot (especially at the end), and I have been told that

it is often better to show than to tell (not that I have always listened). Just

a thought.

 

Have a blessed day!

 

--J Brian Long

 

 


 

 

Back To Top PM Quote Reply  

Current time is 06:20 am  
The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > Without You This Evening Top




UltraBB 1.17 Copyright © 2007-2011 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1324 seconds (11% database + 89% PHP). 27 queries executed.