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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > A Sonnet

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A Sonnet  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 03:44 am
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Basso
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Mana: 
Removed..........:D

Last edited on Wed Mar 19th, 2008 10:49 pm by Basso

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 Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 10:56 pm
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in media res
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Basso,

Boooooooy have I been sharpening those knives to come and get you just as you feared we would, and nooooooow, I gonna let you have it...


I loved this. Beautifully constructed.


I especaily applaud:

With darting ins and aching outs

A quiver first and then a brush

Not time, nor man can touch, nor intercede

Is the lack of a period a choice? Just curious. Kind of neat that it isn't there as it stretches the moment for me.

Only thing I felt could have used some spicing up verbally is:

this passion strong

Not that it is in any way "wrong" mind you. It is just passion is such a common word and I suggest maybe another way to say it might be more interesting.

I'll just toss out - and you can throw out! - something like "these heartbeats strong." Only because everything else in the poem has such sentient words, and passion is "just a noun."

I loved this:

that tantalize our love so young

It is not just about "Young lovers" but "love so young" at any age!

thanks,

in media res


P. S. it's also pretty hot stuff! Shakespeare would be proud.

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 Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 11:22 pm
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Basso
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Mana: 
Thank you so much. Yes, the periods were left out as a choice and your suggestion of using something other than "passion" excellent. Passion is too common a word to convey the intimacy of the moment..."heartbeats" is an excellent suggestion.

I have been running around the forum looking for some of your writing, but alas, you seem to have removed it all.  Hopefully, before too long, I will have the pleasure of reading you...so to speak.

Basso

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 Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 01:08 am
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basso,

If you use "these heartbeats strong" you have to change "leads" to "lead."

I'd be curious to see what else you may come up with other than "heartbeats."

I am not a poet, but you can still find several of my third tier attempts at poetry on this thread. (I am not being disingenuous.)

But I especially like "April: Wash Cut and Blow"

And "When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloomed: May 2, 2007"

Be curious to know how you respond.

best,

in media res

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 Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 01:19 am
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Basso
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Mana: 
Perhaps "this stirring strong..." It would give the flavour of alliteration, as well as the inclination of heart and loins.

I am not a poet, either, but I do love to dabble at it. I will check out your poetry with an eye to enjoy, as is the case for much of the reading I have done on this forum.

Basso

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