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20 minute funny screenplay for animation.  Rate Topic 
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 Posted: Wed Nov 26th, 2008 10:42 am
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Celsun
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Joined: Mon Jun 30th, 2008
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 18
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Mana: 
I had this idea so I took a break from plays to write it. It's set in the inner city. Four boys aged eleven. I used writing software to do it, so I had to clean up the formatting some. I might have missed some lines. Thanks for reading!

CHARACTERS:

JASON: Asian

TREY: Black

DARIN: White

JOSE: Hispanic



                 URBANIA

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT. JOSE, JASON, TREY and DARIN are waiting to play basketball.

JOSE

This sucks. It's almost the end of the

summer and I don't got a girlfriend yet.

TREY

What's the big deal?

DARIN

Sixth grade will be a big deal, dude.

It's our senior year of elementary school.

JASON

(sees a girl walking down the street and yells to her)

Hey shorty, you must want to be a cop when

you grow up. Cuz you're this city's finest!

The girl keeps walking, to Jason's surprise.

JASON

(to friends)

Yeah. It's like nothing has changed if we

don't hook some honeys. We might as well be s

ophomores again back in the fifth grade.

TREY

Fifth grade is freshmen.

DARIN

No, that's kindergarten.

JASON

(sees another girl and shouts at her)

Hey baby! Do you got a name or can I

call you mine? (the girl ignores him)

JOSE

(to Jason)

You really expect that to work?

JASON

At least I'm trying.

JOSE

You've been shouting at girls all summer

but they haven't paid attention to you.

CUT TO: MONTAGE OF JASON SHOUTING AT GIRLS: He shouts at a girl from a stoop and she just walks by. Over by the park he sees two business women walk by and he tries with them. They laugh. On the sidewalk, later, he shouts at another one from behind and she turns around: it's a rocker boy with long hair and tattoos. The rocker boy beats up JASON.
RESUMED:

JASON

All I need is one to turn around and come

rap to me. If I keep trying, it'll happen.

JOSE

(to Jason)

Come "rap" to you? "Hook honeys?"

Are those real expressions?

JASON

Don't hate on my new street talk, yo.

TREY

You guys got me worried. Do you really think

we need girlfriends now? Can't we wait until school starts?

JOSE

We're talking older girls, Trey. Sixth grade

girls. They like experienced guys. They want

to get with somebody who knows how to hold

 hands and kiss with their eyes closed and stuff.

DARIN

Yeah. That's the thing with seniors.

We're supposed to be maturer.

TREY

Why do we have to kiss girls with our eyes

closed? Why do we have to kiss them

at all? I'd rather play basketball.

JASON

(spots another girl and yells to her)

Hey baby! I'd straight fump that good stuff

so well your momma will feel it, you know

what I'm saying?

The girl stops, turns around, smiles and begins to walk towards him. JASON is happy. Here is the moment he knew was coming, the big pay-off. His friends look at each other with surprise. The girl is cute. When she approaches the very confident Jason, she kicks him in the balls. He falls down and moans. The girl looks at the rest of the friends. They cover their balls and take a collective step back.

TREY

(to girl)

I didn't say anything

DARIN

(to girl)

Yeah. I don't want to straight fump that good stuff.

JOSE

(to girl)

I don't even know what that means.

The girl walks away.

JASON

(he gets up slowly, obviously in pain. In a squeaky voice)

That didn't even hurt. (a tear comes out of his eye)

 

EXT.TYPICAL URBAN SIDEWALK.
Trey spots a rhinoceros walking on the other side of the street. It's wearing a pink bow on its head. Trey doesn't believe his eyes, decides to keep the vision to himself.
EXT. Magazine Stand on the corner. The four friends are about to walk by it when Darin stops.

DARIN

Do you guys want to know how to get any

girl you want? Do you want to know what girls want?

JASON

I know what girls want. They want me.

JOSE

(ignoring Jason)

Yeah, I want to know.

TREY

Me, too.

DARIN

(he points to a magazine on the rack)

Check it out.

A magazine called "Sex Objects Monthly" has a hot girl on the cover and features an article entitled, "How to get any girl you want."

TREY

(eyes get big)

The answers we need are in this magazine.

JOSE

Cool.

INT. LIVING ROOM. Jose is on his sofa reading out loud from the magazine while his friends listen attentively.

JOSE

And number five: make sure you always

have good breath--keep some mints handy.

Number four: six pack abs drive girls mad

with desire. Number three: romance a woman,

show her how you feel not just tell her. Number

two: have a really nice car. And finally, if any

of these fail to get you a girl, you have the

foolproof way. The number one way to get a girl is to..

A drum roll is heard while the friends stare at Jose, smiling with anticipation. Jose's smile fades into a frown of disappointment.

Jose (CONt'd)

Be rich.

The other three friends frown, too.

JASON

What?

DARIN

Hey man, that sucks. We're not rich.

JOSE

And we don't have cars neither.

TREY

Well there are 98 other ways to get girls.

We can just do one of those other things.

DARIN

Yeah, I guess. We can do something else from the top ten.

TREY

Fresh breath doesn't seem so hard.

JOSE

I'm gonna get buff--wide shoulders,

big biceps, washboard abs and all.

DARIN

I'm gonna learn how to be romantic.

JASON

Forget that, yo. I'm not gonna do

any of that. I got my own idea.

TREY

(approaches his friends)

How's my breath?

Everyone backs away in horror except for Darin, who's interested in helping his friend.

DARIN

Let's see.

Trey gets within an inch from Darin and breathes onto Darin's face. Jason and Jose are horrified.

JOSE

Gross.

JASON

Yo dawg, that's nasty!

TREY

(to DARIN)

What's your evaluation?

DARIN

(nodding and thinking)

Not bad, Trey. Not bad at all.

INT. DARIN'S HOUSE. KITCHEN TABLE.
His white trash mother, Lucy, is wearing her typically slutty clothes and eats a grapefruit while Darin eats cereal.

DARIN

(looks behind him before asking)

Mom, can I ask you a question

and get a straight answer?

LUCY

Sure, honey.

DARIN

How can I romantic a girl to get her to like me?

LUCY

(she gets in a daze while speaking, a common

habit she has of living in her own head.

Romantic music plays as she speaks)

Oh romance! I have known many romantic

men in my life, Tom was probably the

 best--no Billy Bob might have been more romantic..

DARIN

(the music stops)

Mom, please.

LUCY

I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm talking about.

(Romantic music commences with what follows)

I forgot about James and Randy Ray, both were

more romantic than Billy Bob. Of course Swamp Dog

 was romantic, too, especially for a Harley rider...

DARIN

(looks behind him, worried that

his sister Rachel will show up)

I'm not talking about you, Mom.

I'm asking for advice.

Rachel, his sister, appears and sits down. She is one year older than Darin and on her way to becoming like her mother in how she dresses.

RACHEL

Advice about what?

DARIN

(mortified)

Never mind.

LUCY

Well, Darin, I think that there are

\many ways to be romantic.

RACHEL

(to Darin)

You want to romance someone, little man?

DARIN

Shut up.

RACHEL

Which one are you in love with?

Jason, Trey or Jose?

DARIN

(ignoring Rachel)

Mom, never mind.

LUCY

(romantic music playing)

I've known romance in my life.

RACHEL

Please, Mom. (music stops) We don't want to hear about it.

LUCY

Not interested in your mother?

RACHEL

It's just that you always end up talking about sex.

At least let me have some breakfast so

I'll have something to throw up.

LUCY

(in a daze, romantic music playing)

Randy Ray knew romance very well, he was

spontaneous. That's the key to romance. Driving

to the restaurant last week he decided he wanted

me right then and there, so he pulled over.

LUCY

Please mom.

DARIN

Gross!

LUCY

That's the key to romance, spontaneity. He gave

it to me sweet, though, that man, in the back seat

of that Datsun. Oh yeah, he gave it to me real good--

DaRIN

(covering his mouth as if to hold in the vomit)

Please stop, Mom

LUCY

(her eyes closed)

That was the best loving I ever...

P.O.V. Rachel standing in front of the stereo.
The romantic music stops. Rachel has turned it off. She takes the CD out. It says, "Romantic Gold Hits."
Cut to: Darin vomits.
Cut to: Rachel holding the CD.

RACHEL

(throws the CD out the window)

I'm sick of that CD.

Cut back to Kitchen table. We see Darin and Lucy.

DARIN

Give me the stereo remote, Mom.

LUCY has been holding it this whole time. She hands it over to him.
INT. LARGE GYM.
A montage of Jose's workout routine. He's wearing wrist bands and a headband. He's doing bench presses, but we can't see the weight that's on the bar. He struggles with each lift, sweating. The camera angle opens and we see he has no weight on the bar.
He does sit ups.
He bounces a big blue ball as if it were a basketball, a look of confusion on his face. The camera opens to show other people using it correctly, which he notices. He stops bouncing it.
He does more sit ups.
He does arm curls.
He does military presses.
He does other ab exercises
He does squats.
He gets into a leg lift machine that requires you to lie on the floor, on your side, and lift your leg up. He uses it a few times, his leg moving up and down. A muscular guy stares at him, curious, and Jose becomes self-conscious.

JOSE

This looks gay, doesn't it?

He does more sit ups. He does crunches. As he's working out a female personal trainer with huge muscles (she looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger with long hair and lipstick) taps him on the shoulder.

Trainer

(her voice sounds like a growl)

Buddy, you can't spend more than

fifteen hours a day here.

JOSE

(stops)

Why not, bro? It's a 24 hour gym.

TRAINER

I'm not "bro." I'm a lady. (she points to her name

 tag with her thumb) My name's Cindy.

JOSE

(sincerely)

Sorry, dude.

The trainer is still pointing to her name tag, but

is now looking at her bicep. She flexes it and

keeps staring, completely self-absorbed. This

goes on for a few seconds, the trainer admiring herself.

JOSE

Um... So I'm gonna keep working out, ok?

TRAINER

(she relaxes her arms and resumes

her train of thought)

Working out too much is counter-productive.

You won't get muscles faster, you'll just get so

sore that you won't be able to work out for

weeks. Didn't you read that sign?

(with the other hand, she now points)

Cut to: We see a sign that reads: Working out too much is counter-productive. You won't get muscles faster, you'll just get so sore that you won't be able to work out for weeks.
Cut to: We see the trainer again, her arm still extended and pointing to the sign, but now she's checking out her bicep. She flexes it and keeps staring.

JOSE

(he gets up painfully) Ow.

INT. KINKY”S OFFICE CENTER. It looks like Kinko’s.
Jason walks in. A girl at the counter helps him

GIRL

Can I help you?

JASON

(trying to be suave)

Yeah, baby. I rolled up in this place in the morn

to get some cards hooked up and they said they'd

be all good by now. You know what I'm saying?

GIRL

No. I have no idea what you're saying.

JASON

I ordered some business cards this morning.

It's under the name "Heart throb."

GIRL

(after she leaves briefly, she returns with a box)

Heart throb. Here they are.

JASON

(pays her and takes them)

Thanks. (gives her one card) You can keep one

for yourself. It's got my digits on it. You can

holla at me anytime. (He turns to leave and

says to himself) I'm going to have so many

chicks to choose from. This is going to be dope.

The girl reads the card.
P.O.V. We see the card. It features a picture of Jason with a thumbs up and says, "Jason, super hot guy of the universe. Perfect boyfriend 4U. Booty calls also available. Please call 555-4859"
EXT. STREET.
A montage of Jason handing out his cards to girls. He hands some out to girls jumping rope. He hands them out at a college that shows a banner "Summer Classes." He hands one to a girl who is walking with her mother. Then he sees the mother and figures he'll give her one, too. He walks by a outside table at a restaurant where a woman eats with her husband and hands her one.

JASON

(to woman)

He's got nothing on me, baby.

He walks by a yoga school and peeks in.  The women are all attractive.

JASON

(to himself) They're all banging!

He walks in and nobody is at the front desk. On the counter, however, is a small sign that says, "Please Take One." It refers to a stack of flyers. Jason replaces the flyers with his business cards.
When he leaves, a cross-dressing old man takes one of the cards

 

INT. TREY’S HOUSE. Trey in his bedroom
Trey's bedroom is a nerd paradise. He is an inventor, a chemist and a welder, among other things. He has stacks of books. At the moment he's working in a chemist's lab and wearing a white coat. He has many kinds of gum and mints on the table.

TREY

(as he picks up different packs of

gum and mints one at a time)

Well, there's icy mint, there's winter mint,

there's polar mint, there's snowblast mint, there's

glacier mint, there's cold explosion mint, and

even antartica freeze mint, which is no doubt

the coldest of the cold, but I think I can make

something colder, and longer-lasting.

We see him take a bag of mint and dump it in a pot. Then adds a few liquids from different beakers. He adds a drop from another beaker and the pot emits a puff of smoke. He then pours the contents of the pot (which is now a hot blue liquid) into a glass container and puts the container into a device called, "Power Freezer." When he pushes the button the loud machine goes into action for about five seconds before it beeps. It's frozen. He dumps the contents into a blender and makes a slushy with the now frozen liquid.

TREY

My breath is going to be awesome. (he drinks it)

INT. DARIN’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM.
A white trash man with a mullet, tattoos and wearing a leather vest is sitting on the sofa, waiting. Darin walks up to him.

DARIN

If I ask you something, do you

promise not to talk about sex?

MAN

Who are you?

DARIN

I'm Darin, Lucy's son.

The man looks at him with confusion.

DARIN

Lucy is my mom? She's the one

you're here to pick up?

MAN

(understanding)

Right. Okay. It's just that I have a different

name for her. I like to call her--

DARIN

(closes his eyes)

Please don't. I'm not interested.

MAN

Well, what is it you want to ask me?

DARIN

About romance. How do you

give a woman  romance?

MAN

Why would you want to do

something as silly as that?

DARIN

Cause that's what the ladies want.

Man

Women don't know what they want. They don't

really want a Prince Charming. They want a

distant, uncaring guy with a don't-give-a-fuck

attitude. They want his appearance to send

this message. (points to himself) You see? And

they want to turn him into a Prince Charming.

DARIN

How?

MAN

They want him to stop smoking, to get rid of his

leather vest, stop hanging out so much with his

friends, stop calling them things like--

DARIN

Please don't. I don't want to know what you call my mom.

MAN

The point is, they want you to change, but you gotta resist.

DARIN

Not care about them.

MAN

Yep.

DARIN

So no romance?

MAN

Avoid it like deodorant.

DARIN

Got it.

MAN

Good. Hey, can you tell "sex monkey" to hurry it up?

 

INT. JASON’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM
JASON is sitting on the sofa, staring at the cordless phone on the coffee table.

JASON

Mom, are you sure nobody called

when I went to the store for you?

Mother

Positive.

JASON

Damn, it's been a whole day.

MOTHER

What has?

JASON

Nothing. Are you sure the phone is working?

MOTHER

Sure. We've had other calls.

JASON

(he picks it up to check and sets it down.

It works fine, but suddenly he gets angry)

Why are they all playing hard to get?!

The phone rings and Jason picks up, excited.

JASON

Hello? Um...yeah...Wait, you sound like a

guy. Are you?...What do you mean it's complicated?...

Well, sorry, dude, but no way in hell...I will be

sure to specify next time...No dudes.

INT. TREY’S HOUSE. Trey's bedroom.
Trey has on his lab coat. He puts his cupped hand up to his mouth and closes his eyes to test his breath. Some sort of visual representing fresh breath emits from his mouth whenever he speaks in the following scene.

TREY

(truly amazed)

Mmm. Minty fresh.

Trey walks outside and sees his neighbor from next door, an old lady.

TREY

Hi, Mrs. Stevens

Mrs. Stevens

By golly, Trey! That's some fresh breath you got.

TREY

Thanks.

(Trey is happy now)

From another point of view we see two girls walking. They're in their early twenties.

Girl 1

Forty minutes isn't fashionably late. It's too late.

GIRL 2

Well, let's hurry then. Are you sure this is the right way?

Trey takes one step onto the sidewalk and the two girls stop.

GIRL 1

Can you tell me if the Fourbucks

Coffee is this way?

TREY

Yeah. It's down the street.

They catch a whiff of his amazing breath. They've

gone from panicking to calm. They are fascinated by Trey.

GIRL 2

You have amazing breath!

GIRL 1

It's like a cool blast of wind!

GIRL 2

It's clean-feeling for you, but it's pleasant for us, too.

GIRL 1

And it doesn't matter if you actually brush and

floss, because your breath smells as if you just did.

Trey is nervous, doesn't talk. He's trembling and sweating.

GIRL 2

We should hang out some time. I love a guy with fresh breath.

GIRL 1

Bitch, I saw him first.

GIRL 2

I asked him out first.

They start fist-fighting. Trey turns around and goes back inside his apartment building.

 

 

EXT. STOOP. JOSE, TREY and DARIN are hanging out. Darin is dressed normally again.

DARIN

(to Jose)

All that pain you're in was worth it.

You're super buff. (he touches JOSE)

JOSE

(hurting)

Ow...Fuck....Really? (Darin shakes

his head sadly)

TREY

(to Jose)

You can't see results in a day or in a week.

Bodybuilding doesn't work that way. (to Darin)

How did your romancing research go?

DARIN

Romance doesn't work. That's what I found out.

How was your breath freshening experiment?

TREY

It went well. Too well, in fact. I don't know

what to do with girls. When they're around I get nervous.

JASON shows up wearing a hoodie

JASON

What's up homies? (he stands with them and then

unzips his hoodie to showcase his six-pack abs.

Nonchalantly, he says) Nice weather today.

TREY

Wow!

JOSE

Man, you got lady-killer abs!

DARIN

How did you do it?

The friends are genuinely shocked by Jason, have a hard time getting over it.

JASON

(very cool)

What are you talking about?

TREY

(gets close and points to the abs)

That, right there.

JASON

Back off. I just, you know, worked out and

stuff. For the honeys. You gotta give them what they want.

JOSE

(most incredulous of all)

What sort of exercises did you do?

JASON

The usual.

JOSE

Crunches? Cable pull downs? Leg lifts?

Standard sit-ups? What were you doing?

JASON

I did...um...those, yeah, and others, too

JOSE

Like what?

JASON

Well, I did...you know...I crunched and sat up and

did, you know...super ab presses and stuff

JOSE

You got to show me how.

TREY

You gotta show us how.

JASON

It's not just the exercises. It's superior genetics.

At that moment, Diego (Jose's brother) walks by holding hands with a girl. Diego is a teenager, skinny and unremarkable in appearance.

TREY

Hey, Jose, it's your brother.

DARIN

(waving)

Hey, Diego.

JASON

(also waving to Diego)

What's up, yo?

DIego

(without looking at them)

What's up, ass nuggets?

DARIN

(to Diego)

I hate your brother.

JOSE

You and everybody else.

JASON

His girlfriend is pretty hot.

TREY

How is it that Diego has a girlfriend?

Does he constantly eat mints?

JOSE

What? No. His breath stinks.

JASON

Does he have better abs than mine?

JOSE

He doesn't have abs.

DARIN

Does he know how to not-romance girls and stuff?

JOSE

No, whatever than means.

DARIN

Then how does he do it?

JOSE

I don't know how he does it. It's luck, I guess.

TREY

Yeah, it's probably luck.

DARIN

(thinking)

Maybe, maybe not. There's a lot of guys like

Diego who don't have any of those things the magazine

mentions. There's probably some other secret.

JASON

Right. Why would the magazine make it that

easy to get a girl? There has to be another secret.

DARIN

I know! It's that Latin lover stuff. Those

Latin guys are made more getting chicks.

TREY

I've heard that. But is it true?

JASON

Yeah. If it's true, then how come

Jose be having zero honeys?

DARIN

Because Jose hasn't received the knowledge yet.

It's passed down from older generation to

younger generation. We white people have stupid

relics passed down from generation to generation,

like the pocket watch my dad gave me. But you

ethnic people pass down useful lessons. (to Jason)

Like how your dad taught you karate.

JASON

I don't know karate.

DARIN

(to Trey)

Or how your dad taught you to be such a dork.

(to Jose) We know your Dad isn't around, but

somebody older in your family gave ckick-getting

knowledge to Diego, which means he can give it to you.

JOSE

Do you think so?

TREY

Yeah. (to Jose) Why don't you ask

your brother what the secret is?

JASON

(to Jose)

Man, you gotta ask him how he does it. Please!

JOSE

He hates us.

Jason

Just get some tips from him or something.

Jose considers this while the friends wait for his response. Jose then starts staring at Jason for some reason. Jose narrows his eyes at Jason. Jason gets self-conscious.

JOSE

(to Jason)

Did you draw in abs with a pencil? (walks

up closer to Jason, tries to touch his abs)

JASON

Of course not. (steps back) Get off the rockin' bod.

JOSE

(rubs some of the drawn-in abs

off and looks at his finger)

Yes it is!

JASON

It's crayon.

INT. JOSE’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM
Diego is sitting on the sofa playing a video game called, "Super Blow Up III." DARIN, JOSE, JASON and TREY walk in and approach him. Jose tries to sit on the sofa.

DIEGO

Off the couch, buttlick.

JOSE

Sorry. (he gets up)

The four friends decide to stand behind the sofa.

P.O.V. We see Diego on the sofa playing, and the four friends behind him, looking at the TV but also sneaking peeks at each other, waiting for somebody to say something first. Eventually they start nudging each other. Finally Darin speaks.

DARIN

This looks like a really cool game, Diego.

There's no reaction from Diego, so the friends continue looking at each other.

TREY

You are really good at this game, Diego.

JOSE

My brother is good at all video games. He's awesome.

DARIN

I agree with that. You're awesome, Diego.

JASON

(to Diego)

Yeah. I bet if there were video game

Olympics you could win the gold medal.

JOSE

(to Diego)

Cuz that's how awesome you are.

Diego puts the game on pause and turns to look at them suspiciously. They smile falsely. Diego turns to the TV again and continues to play the game. After another few uncomfortable seconds Jose speaks up.

JOSE

I know you're even more awesome at

getting girls, though. Right, Diego?

DARIN

There's no doubt in my mind that you

can get mad girls, Diego.

DARIN

You are the coolest, Diego.

Diego pauses the game and grabs Jose by the shirt.

DIEGO

What the hell are you guys talking about?

JASON

Your awesomeness, Diego. Haven't

you been paying attention?

DIEGO

(squeezes Jose tighter)

What are you guys up to?

JOSE

Nothing.

DIEGO

You better start talking.

JOSE

(says this quickly)

We want girlfriends because we'll be in sixth grade soon and don't want to be losers but we don't know how to get them and you do so we wanted some tips and stuff.

JASON

Yeah. We want the secret.

DIEGO

(let's go of his brother)

Girls? You want to know how to get girls?

JOSE

Yeah, Diego. How do you do it?

DIEGO

(shakes his head and sighs)

There's no secret, dumbasses. Just talk to them.

Trey

Talk to them?

The four friends look at each other and let this advice sink in.
In the following dialog, Diego is outraged at their stupidity and as a result he speaks down to them, with plenty of sarcasm.

DIEGO

Just talk to them. How have you guys been trying to do it?

JASON

For a while I tried yelling at them. (long pause) That doesn't work.

DIEGO

What have the rest of you been saying to girls?

DARIN

I don't know.

DIEGO

What do you mean you don't know?

TREY, JOSE and DARIN shrug.

JOSE

Well, we haven't actually talked to any.

DIEGO

Well there's your problem, little Einsteins.

You gotta talk to them.

TREY

Yeah, but how do we do that?

DIEGO

How do you talk? You talk, buttlick.

JASON

But it's different with girls, right?

JOSE

Yeah, how do you talk to a girl you want

to be in a relationship with?

DIego

Relationship? What do I look like, Dr. Phil?

(switches to a Louisiana accent) Am I bald with

a dumb mustache?

JOSE

What do we say to girls?

DIEGO

Just talk to them, that's all. They'll talk to you.

They'll like you or they won't. Maybe you won't like them.

DARIN

Why wouldn't we like them? They're girls.

DIEGO

All I'm saying is that it's hit or miss. You talk

to many girls and you'll find a girlfriend, eventually.

It's a numbers game, ass nuggets. The more girls

you talk to, the bigger chance you have to get

a girlfriend. (to Jason) Just don't shout at them.

JASON

(to himself, coming to a realization)

Instead of handing out many cards I

could have talked to all of them.

The other three friends look at each other, impressed, as they absorb Diego's wisdom.

DARIN, JOSE, TREY, JASON

Thanks, Diego.    Yeah, you really are cool.     That's great advice. Thanks a lot.

DIEGO

Get lost, ass nuggets.

EXT. NIGHT. ON THE STOOP.

JOSE

My brother knows his stuff, man. I'm

gonna talk to a thousand girls tomorrow.

Jason

I'm gonna talk to so many girls that all the

females in this city will know my name.

DARIN

Yeah. I'm gonna talk to so many girls that...

(thinking) the girls...I talk to...will be...a lot of girls.

TREY

Where can we find thousands of girls?

JOSE

The mall.

DARIN

Like in the suburbs?

JASON

Yeah. And I heard suburban chicks are nicer.

 

INT. MALL. DAYTIME.
The four friends are excited. They are all dressed commonly except for JASON who has on a white short-sleeved shirt and a tie.

DARIN

(to Jason)

Dude, what's up with the tie?

JASON

Dressed to impress.

JOSE

(to Jason)

You look like a Mormon.

TREY

It's pronounced, "moron."

DARIN

(to Jason)

You look like a car salesman.

JASON

Talk trash if you want, but I look sharp. I'm gonna

have so many girls on me that I'll have to give

them name tags to remember who they are.

JOSE

I'll get more numbers than you, I bet.

DARIN

No one's gonna get more numbers than me.

I'm gonna get so many phone numbers that...

(thinking)I'll have...my pockets filled with lots of phone numbers.

JOSE

So are we ready to do this or what?

TREY

You guys do your thing, I'm gonna

lay low until my date arrives.

JASON, Jose, Darin

(collectively)

You got a date?    How did you do that?  Does she have friends?

TREY

I decided to try to find some girls on the Internet

last night. I started chatting with girls in the

"preteen" chatroom. After two minutes with

each one I asked them to meet me here.

JOSE

That's so cool.

DARIN

I shoulda done that.

TREY

I got 23 nos but the 24th said ok.

JASON

Is she cute?

TREY

Of course. She's hot.

JOSE

Does she have boobs?

TREY

I don't know. I haven't seen a picture of her.

JASON

Then how do you know she's hot?

TREY

She told me.

DARIN

(to Trey)

Dude, you are so lucky.

TREY

Yeah. I gotta meet her in front of the

fountain in a couple of hours.

JOSE

Well, I don't have a date, so I better get started.

JASON

Hey, there's a girl right there.(he points)

We see a girl go into a department store and JASON, DARIN and JOSE go follow her.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE. PERFUME AREA.
The three friends look around but can't find her.

JASON

Where did she go?

DARIN

I don't know. Hey, look. Free cologne.

(he picks the bottle up

and points the cologne at JASON)

You want some? It will help you sell more used cars.

JASON

Screw you.

JOSE

(picks up a card that says "Cool Romance

Cologne" and sniffs it)

This smells great. (he tries to spray some on him but it's empty)

JASON

(sprays himself with a cologne

that says "Irresistible")

Now I'm ready.

JOSE

(walks up to the counter and asks the lady)

Do you have a bottle of "Cool Romance?"

 

LADY

Yes. It's 89 dollars.

JOSE

That's okay. I don't want to buy it, just spray some on me.

LADY

We're all out of the tester bottle, young man.

JOSE

Oh, well.

JOSE, disappointed, considers the card. Then he licks it and rubs it on his neck. He grabs two more and does the same thing.

JOSE

Okay. I'm ready, too.

INT. MALL.

JOSE

I think we better split up. Otherwise

we'll be going after the same girls.

JASON

Yeah, I don't want you guys messing up my game.

JOSE

(to Jason)

You don't want us to steal your commission.

DARIN

(to Jason)

You got no game, Jason.

JASON

You guys don't know nothing. I already know

what I'm going to say. I'm gonna be right to point and quick.

JOSE

Like an honest salesman.

JASON

Forget you guys. You'll see. I'll have more phone

numbers than you by the end of today. (he leaves)

I'll bet you 10 bucks.

JOSE

That's a bet.

DARIN

I'm in, too.

The three friends all part ways.
 
INT. MALL. Trey walks by a store called "STEREO SHACK" and walks in.
INT. Stereo Shack
The store is full of half a dozen people, all of them white, none of them being helped by the three white employees there with blue tooth ear pieces. One employee is stocking, the other one is doing sodoku behind the counter and the third is texting on his cell phone. Enter TREY. The guy doing sodoku happens to notice Trey and stands up. He pushes a button that's clipped to his shirt collar.

EMPLOYEE 1

Black kid alert.

EMPLoYEE 2

(his ear piece starts blinking and he stops stocking)

Copy that.

 

EMPLOYEE 3

(also receives message)

I got your back.

The three of them follow TREY around the

store. TREY is just looking at stuff. When

Trey feels them watching, and turns, the three

employees look the other way and pretend to do something else.

TREY

Is there something wrong?

EMPLOYEE 1

(acting stupid)

What?

TREY

Why are you guys following me?

EMPLOYEE 2

We aren't following you.

EMPLOYEE 3 pretends to do fix something on the shelf. TREY continues walking around. The employees relax a bit, except for EMPLOYEE 3 who focuses all his attention on TREY. TREY, oblivious to him, eventually picks up an R/C car that's the size of a computer monitor. EMPLOYEE 3 runs and tackles TREY.

EMPLOYEE 3

(to Trey)

Got you, Tupac! You're going to jail!  We got

you on tape. (he points to a camera blinking above them)

TREY

I didn't do anything, man. I just picked it up.

EMPLOYEE 1

He's right, Bill. You were supposed to wait for

him to shove it in his pants. We'll get him next time.

 

INT. MALL.
JASON sees two girls walking. He approaches them.

JASON

(to first girl)

Hi. Would you like to--

GIRL 1

Not interested in whatever you're selling.

GIRL 2

Me neither. (they walk away)

JASON

(gets angry)

I'm not a salesman!

 

INT. MALL.
DARIN is walking around. We see one of those billboards that often show the mall directory on one side. It's an advertisement for the store "Brighter Image." As DARIN is about to pass it, music starts playing from the billboard and the "Brighter Image" logo starts to spin around, hypnotically drawing DARIN closer to it. DARIN stands directly in front of it, in a trance.
BILLBOARD: Our new Pet Feeder 2000 makes sure you won't ever forget to feed your dog or cat.
The billboard shows a video of the Pet Feeder 2000, a device that holds pet food and pours it into the pet bowl.
BILLBOARD: Just set the time when you want your pet to eat and it will do the job for you. (the spinning logo returns, and occasionally flashes in big letters) This product is only available at Brighter Image. You need this product, cannot live without it, and must buy it right now. Brighter Image is located four stores ahead.
DARIN, still in a hypnotized state, walks towards the store and enters it. It's filled with a lot of high tech nonsense like "Sharper Image."

 

INT. MALL. Jose walks around and sees girls, but is too nervous to talk to one. Finally he gathers his courage and talks to one who is standing outside a store, calmly waiting for someone, it seems.

JOSE

Hi

GIRL

Bye (walks away)

Jose walks some more. He sees another girl.

JOSE

Excuse me.

The girl walks away from him, which makes him sad.

JOSE

(to himself)

They won't even look at me. This sucks.

He sees another girl sitting on a bench. He approaches her.

JOSE

Hi.

GIRL

Yeah?

JOSE

Wow...Yeah...So anyway.. (a phone rings)

GIRL

(answers her cell phone and talks)

Hello? Yeah. Me? Waiting for you. Where are

you? (stands up) Okay. Is Megan with you?

(starts walking off camera and we hear her conversation

fade) They got this sale going on right now...

Jose is left alone, more depressed than ever.

 

INT. MALL. Trey walks past where he's supposed to meet his hot date. He looks around, doesn't see any girl. Strangely, there's a rhinoceros on the bench, with a pink bow on it's head and long eyelashes. The same one he saw a couple of days ago.

RHINOCEROS

Trey, is that you?

TREY

Yeah... (he turns and sees the rhinoceros and is

surprised. It takes a while to sink in what's

happening) No! No rhinoceros, it's not me.

RHINOCEROS

You see how cute I am in real life and you're

nervous. (she gets down from the bench)

TREY

Oh my God. (starts backing away)

RHINOCEROS

Where are you going?

TREY

I thought you...You never said...How is it possible that?...

Trey is backing up and the rhinoceros is approaching him.

RHINOCEROS

(matter-of-factly)

That's the thing with the Internet. You never

know who you're really talking to.

TREY

Oh my God...

He turns and starts walking fast. After a few steps he notices the rhinoceros is following him, and so he starts to run
 
INT. MALL. IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER STORE.
JASON is standing in front of the store when a girl walks by.

JASON

Hey there. Would you like to..?

GIRL

My computer is working fine, dork. (she walks away)

JASON

(confused)

Computer? Who said anything about computers?

Cut to: The front of the store is completely in view now. It's called, "Dork Squad" and looks like the "Geek Squad" store.
We see an employee of Dork Squad standing at the entrance, looking at JASON. They are both wearing the same black pants, short-sleeved shirt and black tie.

JASON

Damnitt! (he takes off his tie

and throws it aside)

 

INT. MALL.
Darin is walking around in a daze, with many shopping bags from many stores. He runs into somebody, says "sorry," and suddenly he's out of his daze. He looks at his shopping bags, doesn't know where he got all of them. He looks into a bag.

DARIN

Bladeless Leg shaver? I don't shave my legs!

(looks into another bag) Pet feeder 2000? I don't

even have a pet. I can't believe I've been wasting

time. I gotta have more phone numbers than

everybody, and I don't even have one yet.

Cut to: We now see Darin without his bags. He's walking up to girls asking, "Can I have your phone number? How about yours?" He asks a few girls this before he starts to get desperate. "Hey, can I please please have your phone number?" He gets progressively more desperate with every rejection.

JOSE ON HIS OWN

Jose is walking around, more depressed.

JOSE

(to himself)

Is it too much to ask for eye contact? A smile?

Some conversation? At least a hello? This sucks.

P.O.V. We see a girl's face smiling big.

GIRL

Hello? How are you doing today?

SHOT opens to reveal Jose standing in front of the girl who is a little taller than him. They are in the food court, in front of a place called "Sandwich Wrap." She's wearing the food stand's colors and a visor that says "Sandwich Wrap" while holding a tray of food samples. Jose is so happy the girl is talking to him that he doesn't understand she's working.

JOSE

What was the question?

GIRL

How are you doing today?

JOSE

Me? I'm...not bad, I guess. How about you?

GIRL

(all business)

Would you like to try our California Wrap?

It's a delicious blend of lean turkey, garden

fresh tomatoes, crisp lettuce, real California cheese

and California avocado, with a mild sauce

JOSE

Oh, sure. (he takes a sampleand tries it)

This isn't bad (the girl has walked away, he realizes.

He walks up to her) Wait.

GIRL

Yeah?

JOSE

Listen. Can I get your phone number?

GIRL

No.

JOSE

Your email?

GIRL

No.

JOSE

Your myspace?

GIRL

No.

JOSE

How about a fax number?

GIRL

(amused at that silly suggestion)

What do you want to fax me?

JOSE

(taking her seriously)

I don't know. (pulls out a pen and notepad) But

if you give it to me I'll think of something.

GIRL

I'm in high school, little man. You should

try to fax girls that are your own age.

JOSE

Okay. Whatever. (he takes two more

samples and the girl walks away)

Another girl, Jose's age and height, walks up to Sandwich Wrap counter. Jose sees her and his eyes get big. A guy at the counter is there to take the girl's order.

GIRL

(to employee)

How's the California Wrap?

Jose takes a few steps towards the girl. He talks to her and uses the same pitch he just heard:

JOSE

It's a delicious blend of lean turkey, garden

fresh tomatoes, crisp lettuce, real California

cheese and California avocado, with a mild sauce

(he offers her one of the samples in his hand)

GIRL

Thanks (she tries it. To employee) I'll have that

with a small strawberry smoothie.

JOSE

(to girl)

Can I buy that for you?

GIRL

(shrugs)

Sure.

EMPLOYEE

(to Jose)

That'll be $32.60

JOSE

(Shocked. To Employee)

Um. I'll just pay for the smoothie. (turns to the girl)

I'll just pay for the smoothie. I forgot to go

to the bank this morning.

EMPLOYEE

Okay. The smoothie is $12.50

JOSE

Dude, it's fruit. Blended fruit with sugar and water.

EMPLOYEE

That's the price.

JOSE

How much is it with my student discount?

EMPLOYEE

We don't give student discounts.

JOSE

Okay, give me two senior citizens discounts.

The smoothie is for my grandparents. They're sharing it.

EMPLOYEE

We don't give those, either.

JOSE

No respect for the elderly.

GIRL

(gives the employee some money)

Here.

The girl takes the tray and walks away, leaving Jose behind feeling sad.
INT. FOOD COURT TABLES. The girl is sitting alone at a table, eating.

JOSE

Can I sit with you?

GIRL

(looks around)

Sure.

JOSE

(sits down)

Cool. So what's your name?

GIRL

Karen

JOSE

I'm Jose. (he shifts in his seat which makes a

farting noise) That wasn't me. I just rubbed

against the chair and it made that sound.

GIRL

(believing him)

Okay.

JOSE

I swear. I didn't just fart in front of you. It

was the chair. Check it out. (He shifts in the

chair more, trying to reproduce that sound)

Okay, it won't make the sound again, but wasn't

me. I don't fart in front of girls. I don't fart at all.

A boy of high school age, significantly taller than Jose and the girl, walks up to the table with burgers on his tray. He's got a muscle shirt on, his biceps are pretty big.

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

 (referring to Jose. To Girl)

Who is this guy?

GIRL

Jose.

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

(to Jose)

What are doing with my girlfriend?

JOSE

What does it look like?

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

(pushes him)

Get lost before I kick your ass.

JOSE

(stands up)

Don't be pushing me, man. Today is not the day.

The high school guy pushes Jose again.

JOSE

(to high school guy. He says the following quickly,

with desperation, on the verge of an emotional collapse)

You try to talk to them and they don't look at

you, finally they look at you but won't talk to

you, then they smile and talk to you but not

because they like you, they just want you to

try a wrap and they're too old anyway. Finally one

your age comes by and you try to buy a smoothie

for her but can't because smoothies are so expensive.

Do you have any idea how much smoothies cost?

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

What are you talking about?

JOSE

But it didn't matter about the smoothie because

I could sit with her anyway, and then this jerk

with a muscle shirt comes up and suddenly...

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

(angry)

Who's the jerk with the muscle t-shirt?

GIRL

(to guy)

He's talking about you. You're wearing a muscle shirt.

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

(to Jose)

I'm gonna kick your ass. (takes a step towards Jose)

JASON appears and everybody looks at him.

Jason

It there a problem here?

They all look at him with confusion. Their expressions change when Jason unbuttons his shirt to reveal six-pack abs. Jose is pleased, the girl is thrilled, and the high school guy gets scared.

JASON

I said, Is there a problem here?

HIGH SCHOOL GUY

(scared)

No. Not at all.

JOSE

(to high school guy)

Yeah. Thought so. How about you get lost?

]You and your idiot muscle shirt.

GIRL

(looks at Jason and little hearts start

floating around her head)

Wow! Washboard abs!

JASON

(winks at her)

Hi there. What's going on, baby?

JOSE

(to high school guy)

Go find another place to sit.

JASON

Yeah. Before you catch a beat down.

JOSE

Yeah.

The girl starts to stare at Jason and he feels that she has discovered him.

GIRL

(to Jason)

Wait. You drew in abs with eyeliner, didn't you?

High school guy gets angry again and looks

at Jason, who is turning red in the face.

JASON & JOSE

It's crayon.

Jason and Jose look at each other, get scared and start running. High school guy is running after them.
INT. MALL
Trey is walking, looking for his friends and occasionally glancing behind him, still fearing the rhinoceros.

TREY

(to himself)

Where are these guys?

The rhinoceros appears and stands in front of Trey.

RHINOCEROS

Hi Trey. Want to make out?

TREY

Ah! Get way. (turns and starts walking fast)

The rhinoceros follows Trey.

TREY

Get away from me!

RHINOCEROS

Come on, Trey. Where are you going?

Trey, now terrified, starts to run. The people he passes in the mall start pointing at him and shouting. "Black kid!" "Thief!" "Call security!"

TREY

I didn't steal anything!

Security guards start chasing after him.
 
INT. MALL. In front of a store. A shop owner watches Trey run past.

SHOP OWNER

(to himself)

You gotta watch out for the blacks. Always

stealing. That's why I'm glad they don't ever come into my store.

Cut to: The entire store comes into view. It's called "Pottery Barn."
 
INT. MALL. DARIN is getting even more desperate. When he goes up to girls and asks them for their phone numbers, they are scared. One girl tells security.
The security officer approaches Darin.

SECURITY

You can't be harassing girls in here!

DARIN doesn't seem to hear him and keeps walking, doing the same. The security guard follows him.

SECURITY

Hey. You heard me? You can't be harassing

the girls. I'm gonna have to take you in.

The security officer grabs Darin, and Darin snaps out of his daze, is fully conscious of what's happening though he doesn't understand. JASON, JOSE and TREY are all running. They knock down the security officer and keep going, and Darin has joined them.

DARIN

(running)

What's going on?

JOSE

Just keep running.

 
EXT. Early evening. The sun is low. JASON, TREY, JOSE and DARIN are all walking down the street, past a park, all of them in low spirits.

JOSE

I got zero numbers. How about you guys?

DARIN

I didn't get none, either.

JASON

Me neither.

TREY

None. Plus my date was a rhinoceros.

JOSE

A rhinoceros?

TREY

I'm not kidding.

JASON

If your girl didn't show up, just say so.

DARIN

Yeah. I don't think a rhinoceros is better than no date.

JOSE

(After a long pause, changing the subject)

We're not gonna have girlfriends this summer.

DARIN

Yeah. We're gonna be losers.

JASON

I don't wanna be in sixth grade without a girlfriend.

I might as well be back in fifth grade, playing

 games and doing stupid boy stuff.

TREY

We're gonna be lonely, stuck with each other.

JOSE

This sucks. (he picks up a rock on the ground and

 throws it into the park. It hits a metal trash bin

which makes a sound like a gong)

DARIN

Nice shot.

JASON

That was just luck.

JOSE

Bet you it wasn't.

Jose in suddenly interested in hitting the trash can again. He picks up a rock and throws it, misses. Darin does the same, and the Trey and Jason join in. They have suddenly become engrossed in this boyish, improvised game of who-can-hit-the-bin.

DARIN

(the trash bin sounds again)

Got it!

JASON

Hey, this game is pretty cool.

TREY

(the trash bin sounds again)

Yeah. That's one point for me!

JOSE

We're doing points?

DARIN

Yeah. Each of have one point each, except for Jason.

Jason

(pointing to another bin farther away)

That one will be worth two points.

Jason throws a rock towards the farther bin and others join in. The bin sounds.

JASON

(happy to score)

Two points!

The rhinoceros with the bow on her head comes into view.  Trey is scared, but the rest of the boys are surprised and curious.

JASON

Why does that rhinoceros have a pink boy on its head?

RHINOCEROS

Pink is my favorite color.

Trey is walking away already, but the other friends are surprised by this talking animal and curious.

JOSE

How the hell does it talk?

RHINOCEROS

Hi Trey. How's it going? (it starts approaching)

Trey starts running, abandons his friends.

RHINOCEROS

Which one of you boys want to make out?

The boys start running, too, and they catch up with Trey. They all run together.

The END

 

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