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The Playwrights Forum > The Art & Craft of Writing > Poet's Corner : Critique my Poem > War

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 Posted: Sun Jan 4th, 2009 01:20 pm
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RTurco
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Location: New Jersey USA
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Mana: 
Here is a short free-verse poem I wrote a few years ago about war:





[size=War]






[size= ]




The boys and I marched to war,

And our footsteps echoed the beat of the drums.

Could never have dreamed of harsh, unforgiving winters

Or horrible days, seemed like years,

Spent in filthy trenches, beside my peers.

Bombs boomed around us as we groped for our guns.

And our footsteps echoed the beat of the drums.

Our squadron of five shared everything

If one lost his footing, all helped.

If one lost his gun, all helped.

If one lost his life, all grieved.

It did not matter if we loved the bum.

And our footsteps echoed the beat of the drums.

Fought for the land we adored

Hoped we’d return home soon.

“Fool’s hope” they cried,

But we all kept trudging

Through rain, mud, mountains, and plains.

Through demon’s fire we danced,

Giving those Germans a beatin’ they’ll not soon forget.

We were all separate men,

But we marched as one.

And our footsteps echoed the beat of the drum.



Last edited on Tue Mar 17th, 2009 11:01 pm by RTurco

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 Posted: Mon Jan 5th, 2009 04:12 am
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in media res
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Mana: 
I liked this very much with a few suggestions.

It definitely captured the style of some of the great WWI poetry

I liked the repeat of:

The footsteps echoed the beat of the drum.

Also:

It did not matter if we loved the bum

I would suggest the following line change:

Most thought it fool’s hope,

change to:

Fool's hope.

It changes the rhythm and makes it sharper.

I don't think you need this line:

Through harshness we moved.

We get that point by now. "harshness" and "moved" are kind of general terms. Can you be more specific in your imagery?


In this line:

Through demon’s fire we ran

I would cut "we ran" and include it with the rest of the grouping.

Or you could use "charged" instead of "ran" or some other color word.


This line is too cliche' and I think hurts the poem:

We fought through hell.


Can you come up with a metaphor that is better...if you feel you need one.

In this line:

But we all kept on trudging

I would cut "on." It softens trudging somehow.

In this sequence:

If one lost his footing, all helped him up.

If one lost his gun, all volunteered to help.

If one lost his life, all grieved for him.


I would suggest changing to:

If one lost his footing, all helped.

If one lost his gun, all helped.

If one lost his life, all grieved.


I think it adds a cadence of trudging to the rhythm.


The beauty ofthis poem there is so much underneath it.

best,

in media res

Last edited on Mon Jan 5th, 2009 01:48 pm by in media res

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